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AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

(349 Posts)
NewShooz Sun 09-Oct-11 12:11:18

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

sand12 Sun 09-Oct-11 12:15:54

I would be really annoyed 2, make sure he doesn't turn it round on you!!

DogsBeastFiend Sun 09-Oct-11 12:17:40

I'd be considering whether he contributes enough to my standard of living to be worth keeping. If it was, he could stay. If not, he'd be leaving.

But then I'm a hardened cynic...

buzzskeleton Sun 09-Oct-11 12:18:18

YANBU. He's trying to cheat on you.

sand12 Sun 09-Oct-11 12:19:52

Well said buzz

sand12 Sun 09-Oct-11 12:20:51

New have you got some1 to talk 2 about this a close friend?

CurrySpice Sun 09-Oct-11 12:22:30

No, YANBU. That is horrible and could veryeasily be a deal breaker. Do not let him shrug this off.

NewShooz Sun 09-Oct-11 12:22:44

I'm crying my eyes out at the thought of it being over though. He's my best friend as well as my DH and we've been married for over 10 years. He's also a good Dad.

It was such a shock to read it, hence why I don't know if I am over reacting/being over sensitive. I feel like a complete fool too.

NewShooz Sun 09-Oct-11 12:23:59

I don't really know who to talk to Sand. Sadly I lost my Mum years ago, she would have been the one to call straight away.

Spuddybean Sun 09-Oct-11 12:24:51

'he can understand why it looks bad.'

it doesn't just look bad...IT IS BAD!

from the sounds of it if you hadn't found out, it would have gone a lot further. i would seriously consider ending it or at least insist on counselling and him admitting the seriousness of it. At the moment he sounds as tho he is in denial about the reality of the situation. It is not messing about, it is very close to infidelity and a massive betrayal of trust.

hope you feel better.

DrGoogle Sun 09-Oct-11 12:25:19

YANBU. He's gone out?! I would be putting his stuff in bin bags on the doostep for when he gets back. It wouldn't matter to me if anything had happened between them or not, the intention was there.

catgirl1976 Sun 09-Oct-11 12:25:59

YANBU. What a cockmonkey.

I would consider that cheating. It might be a deal breaker for me - can you go and stay with a friend for a bit (even a few hours just to talk to someone who knows you and knows the relationship)

10 years is a long relationship. Add in children and thats hard. I hate to sound like a cliche but this sort of thing is often a symptom of bigger problems. But you are not over re-acting to be badly hurt by this. Its a huge breach of trust.

SuePurblybilt Sun 09-Oct-11 12:26:20

It was a deal breaker for me, after ten years too, and I'm much happier without the useless lying fecker. Just saying smile.

You're not a fool or over-reacting. The fact that he didn't manage to shag her yet doesn't mean it 'means nothing' - it's not like it was for the want of him trying. I'm clearly biased but I would be surprised if this was all there was to this.

Spuddybean Sun 09-Oct-11 12:26:36

you are not over reacting - don't doubt yourself or dismiss your feelings, and don't let him do that either.

NinkyNonker Sun 09-Oct-11 12:26:59

What a shit.

Itsjustafleshwound Sun 09-Oct-11 12:27:54

The intention to cheat is in black and white.

I think you need some distance from him and a good, hard think about what you feel will be best for you and your children.

TheOriginalFAB Sun 09-Oct-11 12:28:12

Forget what he says he was doing, what do you want to do?

It is all about what you want and need now, not him.

fluffygal Sun 09-Oct-11 12:29:09

It is bad, I agree. If my OH had done that it would be a complete dealbreaker- he tried to cheat on you! You just caught him before he could go through with it! I wouldn't class him as a good dad or a best friend if he is happy to disrespect his family by trying to get his end away with another woman.

You are not overreacting, do not let him talk his way out of this. Of course he is going to try to play it down, but it is serious. My OH would be out the door that day if I had found that.

sand12 Sun 09-Oct-11 12:29:29

My ex sneaked off whilst we were on hols 2 check out everything ok at work with my mobile when I checked my moby ltr he had rang a woman, it went on and on then the working awayevery other week! at a later date (3 years) whilst i was pregnant with my 2nd I got a private investigator on him OMG what fukwit I had been now my ex after 10 years of marriage.

New you need 2 talk 2 a close friend or ur family but please be strong I know ur shocked at mo but then the anger will kick in I hope ur ok I really feel 4 u x

LadyEvilEyes Sun 09-Oct-11 12:29:39

I can't believe you would even think UABU, of course you're not.
Don't let him try and make it seem you are, he's crossed the line.
Both sad and angry for you.

DogsBeastFiend Sun 09-Oct-11 12:30:19

Don't be so hasty DrGoogle!

I wasn't joking with my comment above. Let's just assume that the OP's DH, aside from being a good father, provides her with a home whilst she doesn't work, a car, holidays, clothing, does DIY which the OP is unable to do and so on.

If the OP gets rid of DH she may well not be able to afford her home or her car much less those holidays. And who's going to plaster those walls?

Why lose that... why should the OP go without because her DH is playing silly buggers? Isn't that cutting off your nose to spite your face?

NewShooz Sun 09-Oct-11 12:31:29

Thanks for your replies. I thought I was going to be told that I was over reacting. She lives miles from us now so I know he hasn't been up there to see her. Whether anything happened before she went is another story.

But also I wander if she DID live nearer, would he have gone through with it. My head is a complete mess at the moment. I don't really want to talk to any friends at the moment as I'm a bit of a mess.

catgirl1976 Sun 09-Oct-11 12:31:58

Dogs thats a joke right? You aren't serioulsly saying someone should stay in a bad / unhappy relationship for financial gain?

Lifeissweet Sun 09-Oct-11 12:32:42

You may think he's your best friend, but he has hurt you this much and has betrayed you. He has talked about your intimate relationship with another woman who he is obviously trying to sleep with. No friend would treat you with this little respect.

Worst of all, in my opinion, is his reaction. He's minimising it and trying to play it all down. It's not messing around it's serious and the best thing he could have done given how serious this is would have been to get upset, apologise, grovel and plead with you - not claim he was only messing around and go out! This shows what you need to know. He knows he has hurt you and he's not going to try and make it better. No friend.

he was trying to get his end away. If he tries to convince you otherwise - he is lying.

And instead of taking as much time as you need to go over this with you etc - he goes out.



To contact her? To punish you?

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