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AIBU not to not really want some relatives I barely know to stay in my bedroom while I am away

(46 Posts)
OohIsThatAFlake Sat 08-Oct-11 20:36:41

I'm quite a private person, I admit. Not even my closest friends have seen the inside of my bedroom, let alone stayed in it because of the whips and chains. But my husband's family are all very much open-house, any room's your room come and chat to me while I have a wee types. We stay with BIL in another country a couple of times a year (in spare room of enormous house) and his partner also has a holiday home where we (and all the rest of the extended family on separate occasions) have stayed too.
Now BIL wants me to offer my small untidy cluttered house and more importantly, my bedroom remember those whips and chains to his elderly inlaws to stay in while we are away. My instinctive reaction is to say no.

Btw I would have to hire cleaners, spend weeks clearing up, buy a new bed and bedlinen yes due to the whips and chains again

AIBU to say no?

duvetdayplease Sat 08-Oct-11 20:41:09

YANBU, its up to you. But find a good excuse if poss to avoid explaining the chains!

ENormaSnob Sat 08-Oct-11 20:42:50


LindyHemming Sat 08-Oct-11 20:48:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Signet2012 Sat 08-Oct-11 20:49:27

YANBU Just explain politely that your room is your private space, and for all you would love to have them to stay you feel the whips, chains and ceiling hooks will prove too much for them in their age.

QuintessentialDead Sat 08-Oct-11 20:51:32


But I guess you know that unless you reciprocate their hospitality and let his relatives stay at yours, you will have to forego your stays at his for the foreseable future. Are you ok with not staying at his house abroad again?

QuintessentialDead Sat 08-Oct-11 20:52:36

oh yes, you could of course explain that due to your S&M preferences, and have chains and hooks installed, his relatives might not feel ok about staying in your home....

squeakytoy Sat 08-Oct-11 20:56:57

yanbu.. they are strangers to you, you will not be there.. and from what you say, you live in a normal (apart from the metal and leather) house, not a guest house ...

could you say you have a housesitter staying while you are away?

StopRainingPlease Sat 08-Oct-11 20:59:35

I wouldn't care personally, I'd be happy to have them stay. Obviously you do care though... What does your husband say, since they're his family.

TattyDevine Sat 08-Oct-11 21:04:09

Totally, you can do without them going through your dildo drawer, and you might have to hoover behind the headboard. Give it a miss!

FabbyChic Sat 08-Oct-11 21:06:19

Tell him that at any other time it would be fine, but at the moment it is not convenient as you are in the throws of redecorating and the house is a mess and wont be ready for a few months yet.

OohIsThatAFlake Sat 08-Oct-11 21:10:22

Hi. Husband is of the same 'come on in and have a drink and let me help you with those sticky whips and chains type as his parents and brother, but asked me what my initial reaction would be, to which I said, straightaway, that I would not feel too happy about it and could he understand/respect my feelings. He said that he did. When he reported back to his brother, his brother basically said that we could forget all about ever staying at his partner's holiday home then.

But that's a holiday home and we stay in a spare room at their house abroad and this is my bedroom. with all my whips and chains

gapants Sat 08-Oct-11 21:13:41

I can see why your BIL is pissed off, but he is being unfair.

Stick to your whips guns on this one. Get DH to negotiate on your behalf.

hiddenhome Sat 08-Oct-11 21:16:07

Just tell them that you're currently having a problem with bedbugs at the moment grin

QuintessentialDead Sat 08-Oct-11 21:18:00

I dont think it matters that it is a holiday day home, as it is not your holiday home.

I would just tidy and clean and let them stay.

If you are using their holiday home three times per year, it would be the kind thing to do.

Do you pay when you stay at their home? Clean and wash linen after yourselves, or pay their cleaner? Or leave money for gas and electricity, etc?

emsyj Sat 08-Oct-11 21:22:39

YANBU to feel uncomfortable about it but I guess I can see your BIL's point. I would let them stay and leave the house in a state that you think is acceptable to you (not to other people) and that doesn't cause you an inordinate amount of stress to achieve.

SjuperWereWolef Sat 08-Oct-11 21:25:25

badger that, i find it incredibly rude they even asked you and your dh to be honest. there is a massive difference between being offered to stay in a holiday home in a guest room to being asked if complete strangers can come and sleep in your bed for a week!.

shocked that they think your out of order too confused what a strange bil you have.

notlettingthefearshow Sat 08-Oct-11 21:25:30

Wow I think your BIL is really harsh. It's a totally different thing to offer your own house to distant relatives. Do you stay there a lot?

If you would seriously have to buy new furniture (I'm ever so curious to your current bed situation BTW!), I think this is reason enough to decline. I'm assuming that you never have visitors if your house has no spare room and is cluttered? If so, just explain there is no room and it's a mess (you can exaggerate all you want) and that as much as you would like to, you cannot accommodate visitors.

It sounds like it's a done deal since you've told BIL, or is he persisting?

PigletJohn Sat 08-Oct-11 21:30:51

you need a lockable trunk for that stuff, or perhaps a very strong Ottoman.

With a padded top you can use it as a bench, and if necessary tell people it is a laundry box.

Get some hanging plant pots for the hooks.

PattySimcox Sat 08-Oct-11 21:35:02

Can you not say that you have already arranged for a friend to cat sit as she is temporarily homeless?

Alternatively let them stay in your torture chamber, you can bet that they would never ask to come back grin

DazR Sat 08-Oct-11 21:35:28

i would be unhappy too - my bedroom is my santuary (and also badly needs redecorating - always the last to get done after the kids....). I let family stay this year while we were away but said that I would be locking my door because I was ashamed of the state of it!! They were happy to sleep in other rooms - it was only the bedroom I was worried about and I think it is fair to be able to keep this private.

bibbitybobbityhat Sat 08-Oct-11 21:35:47

Well, its give and take. You have enjoyed the hospitality of your bil and his partner. It would be nice if you could reciprocate in some way.

PigletJohn Sat 08-Oct-11 21:42:04


BIL is entitled to think "I've put them up FOC in my lovely home, and now they won't even help the oldsters"

A bit like when someone has you over to dinner, five courses, wine and brandy, and then suggests they'd like to come over to yours for shepherds pie and a mug of tea next time.

He isn't even being snobby about having a bigger house than you, he's just thinking one good turn deserves another.

I'm not surprised he's cross enough to turn off the hospitality tap.

Why can't they stay with your BIL or his partner?

Does BIL realise that his inlaws would be sleeping in your actual bed, rather than in a guest room? I do think there is a big difference. No one sleeps in my bed but me and DH and the DSs.

But equally I can see his point of view, he has clearly provided you with accommodation several times and perhaps feels 'owed' in some way.

I would get DH to have a chat with him and see if they can smooth things out.

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