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AIBU?

to think my OH is a lazy shit?

77 replies

themightyskim · 08/10/2011 09:51

for the scene setting me and my OH both work full time, I can leave my job and come home at the end of the day, he however often has an hour or two of work in an evening

He has a daughter who is 4, we have two dogs, one is a large breed and Im pregnant

so...... I do all the cleaning, I cook for him and my SD, I get her stuff washed and ironed and ready for school, I get her bathed and ready for bed, I do all the shopping. The big dog sheds so much hair I have to brush and mop every day and he slobbers so I have to clean that up several times a day too - OH only has to soak the dog food ready for the next day and clean the yard after the dogs

Hes totally stopped doing these jobs and its pissing me off to the max, I feel like im doing everything around this house, I mention it, we argue a bit and he might if Im super lucky clean the yard up, do that nights dishes and put a load of washing in, then the next day im back to square one

AIBU to think that if we live together he should muck in with the jobs or am I being a big hormonal bitch?

OP posts:

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hairylights · 08/10/2011 09:54

How have you discussed this with him? What was his response when you talked to him?

themightyskim · 08/10/2011 09:57

erm started off nice a week or two ago, I know your busy and I know we have had a bit of a rough trot with the pregnancy but im strugglng to keep up with the house work can you help (met with sniffs and general standoffishness)

Ive dropped a few 'when the baby comes we really are going to have to have the house better than this'

to this mornings very tactful and not at all nasty 'are you every going to fucking feed these dogs again?!'

I appreciate that this morning probably wasnt helpful

OP posts:

AlysWorld · 08/10/2011 10:00

YANBU. And it's not about 'helping', it's about doing his fair share as a responsible adult who has respect for others.

hairylights · 08/10/2011 10:12

You're being way, way too subtle. Spell it out in black and white. Thebalance needs to be shown. I'd be writing out all the things that need to be done and informing him that you need to do 50% each. I'd then go on strike and do only 50%

My dp doesn't notice some of the stuff that needs to be done but if I ask him to do something he does it with no complaints.

My ex, on the other hand, saw housework as demeaning even though he didn't work.

hairylights · 08/10/2011 10:13

Oh and quite right it's not "help" it's taking responsibility.

moondog · 08/10/2011 10:13

So...

Why are you with him?
Why are you having a child with him?
Why are you doing everything for his child?

FabbyChic · 08/10/2011 10:19

Sounds like he looks to you as his mother, i.e someone who does everything for him.

When you both work full time household stuff should be split 50/50.

If he cannot pull his weight, go on strike and tell him fuck it you are going to be just as lazy.

Shutupanddrive · 08/10/2011 10:42

Can you put the dogs outside in a kennel so they are not making so much mess in your house? Then he can be totally in charge of the dogs for a start

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 10:43

Put up, shut up or sort it out

Barring fear of an abusive partner, I have little sympathy for women who find themselves in this situation and then do little but have a little moan every so often

it's up to you whether you do all this shitwork, while he does virtually fuck-all

You won't change him, until you force a change

If you won't do that, then carry on being a resentful domestic apliance whose responsibilities are going to sky-rocket even further in a few months time...

nickelbabe · 08/10/2011 10:45

He needs to get used to doing at least his fair chare of chores - because when the baby comes, you will not have time to do any of it.

Dawndonna · 08/10/2011 10:45

Stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing. Clean what you can cope with and look after SD.
He'll learn!

booyhoo · 08/10/2011 10:49

as usual i agree totally with AF. every single word.

i really dont get how people end up in these situations. surely you know your partner pretty wel before moving in and having a family with them. you are bound to know whereabouts on the tidying/cleaning/cooking/looking after self spectrum they exist! unless they trick you and suddenly change once you are pregnant and 'tied' to them. (i do know one family in which this actually happened so i know it's possible BTW)

squeakytoy · 08/10/2011 10:51

Who walks these dogs? Are they on their own all day while you are both at work?

dreamingbohemian · 08/10/2011 10:52

You really need to sort this out now, before the baby comes.

if he won't help with this stuff now, he'll be useless when the baby comes and you will row all the time and it will be awful for everyone.

Is he lazy? or does he just not respect women? Because those are really the only two reasons I can see for his behaviour.

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 10:53

I can see how people get here I guess. These things can creep up on you. Perhaps a partner used to be a respectful person before they got you tied down by all the responsibilities etc. Perhaps your own upbringing pushed you into accepting some of this "women's work" shit without you notiing at first and so on...

What I don't understand is why people then put up with it, when the realisation has dawned that they are getting the piss royally taken out of them by a lazy partner.

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 10:54

One wonders why he split with the mother of his child...

Yama · 08/10/2011 10:56

It really saddens and worries me that in 2011 there are still so many woman accepting partnerships like this. This means that another generation of parents are bringing up children in a home where it is okay that the father has no respect for the mother.

CailinDana · 08/10/2011 10:57

I don't know why you're pussyfooting around him - are you afraid of his reaction? You asked nicely if he would "help" as though you were asking him a great favour and he was pissed off at you. That is an absolutely shit attitude for him to have towards someone he's supposed to love. Why does he see the care of his daughter as your responsibility? You have done a very kind and loving thing to look after her as your own when her own dad can't be arsed to do it. While I wouldn't advise using her in any way to make a point, I do think it would be worth pointing out how much you do for her and how little he does and see what his reaction is. Also, do not wash or iron his clothes. You are not his servant.

I would advise rehoming the dogs before the baby comes if you find them too much responsibility and your DH won't step up. If your DH objects then just let him know that you're not able to look after them and if he wants to keep them then he'll have to care for them, which includes feeding, walking, cleaning the house after them and all vet visits etc.

I'm sorry to say that if things are this bad now then they're probably only going to get worse when the baby arrives. The time for hinting and suggesting is over. You need to sit him down, tell him he's a father and a husband and that has responsibilities that he can't just fob off onto you. If his reaction is very negative then you need to think about whether it's time for counselling or something more serious.

hairylights · 08/10/2011 10:58

AF you are very wise.

wantadvice · 08/10/2011 10:59

Why on earth would you live like this? Sorry, but you have made yourself into a doormat and are having a child with him. You either accept nothing less than an equal relationship, leave or continue as you are.

wantadvice · 08/10/2011 11:00

Sad things is I expect you'll go for the last option.

nickelbabe · 08/10/2011 11:00

I'm sure it does creep up on one.

think about it, one day you get home and find that a task hasn't been done, so yo ujust do it (assume no time, or something), then you end up doing it out of habit.
each time you come home and find a job hasn't been done, you do it, and eventually, you're doing everything.
even if yo udon't do it, like with washing the yard, maybe the person who should be doing it thinks "oh, i haven't got time today, i'll do it tomorrow", but they still don't do it tomorrow.
by theend of the week, it's easy to go "oh, I'll do it all in one day, and if it's managed like that one week, I'll probably do that again next week"
not realising how fucking awful it makes the yard in the meantime.

and especially if it's to do with pets or chidlren - the other one wouldn'd leave it, because it directly impacts on the quality of life of the pet/child.

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scottishmummy · 08/10/2011 11:03

youre the mug who facilitates and enables his laziness by skivvying about,and then feeling hard done to.never mind changing his behaviours ,start with your own behaviours. stop facilitating and enabling his laziness

he is a lazy chancer

booyhoo · 08/10/2011 11:08

yes i can see how that can happen.

"and especially if it's to do with pets or chidlren - the other one wouldn'd leave it, because it directly impacts on the quality of life of the pet/child"

this line has struck a chord with me. what if the other person is the same type as you and just 'leaves' things expecting you to do it so neither of you are doing it? that means children and pets would be neglected, so what you are actually doing is enabling someone to neglect by doing it for them. i dont think i'm being very clear in what i am trying to say but i couldn't have any love or respect for person that would neglect a child or animal out of laziness! (i understand that because you are doing it, the child isn't being neglected)

themightyskim · 08/10/2011 11:24

wow this grew legs while I was scoffing my breakfast, hes not always like this, its been something thats happened over the last month or so, he left his partner because she was a lazy shit lol, which is probably why im getting my knickers in such a knot at the moment, you right put up and shut up or sort it out I suppose, Im certainly not leaving him over a month or so long problem though, im having his baby because we are normally very happy which is probably why this is getting so annoying

and yes I have created this situation that why I want to know if throwing a stop at the lad is unreasonable or not

oh and the dogs arent alone for long periods, I work shifts, OH works from home a lot and we have a friend who nips in and lets them out on the odd day we are stuck

Off to grind my battle axe I think and get this one sorted once and for all

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