To have back tracked slightly(14 Posts)
Posted this also under teens but not much traffic around there.
Will keep this as brief as possible first off.
DS nearly 14 was friendly with a boy that seems to be going down the wrong path (will explain more if asked)
After much deliberation I told DS that he could see the boy at school but due to the boys behaviour/antics he wasn't allowed to see him outside.
The boy has now been sent to The Bridge (a unit for children with behaviour problems) so no longer at DS's school.
This was a few months ago now.
DS has been in contact with boy on the phone during this time. When I got in from work yesterday DS told me he went to get a drink from Starbucks and met the boy on the way (they probably spent an hour or so together).
I know my son misses this kid. I am thinking that he will probably start to tell fibs and meet up with him.
So, rather than have this happen I have said that ok, he can spend time with the boy but at our house only. He can also see him if they plan to do "something" together rather than hanging out.
DS isn't allowed to hang round streets without a purpose anyway. It's going from A to B or at a friends.
Have a very large knott in my stomach about it though.
DS luckily isn't around much over the weekends as goes to Cadets on a Friday evening and all day Sunday. He also gets dropped to girlfriends most Saturdays and picked up.
So I'm sort of hoping that by not making it into a "forbidden fruit" type of situation anymore and DS not being around much, it will fizzle out of its own accord.
What have others done?
I think that you have done the right thing.
You should always keep the lines of communication and truth open with your teens.
My DD went through the same thing at 13 (she matured early) she is now 15 and out of unsuitable friendships through her own choice. Both her and her friends tend to come to me as they can tell me anything and i give constructive advice but whilst weighing up the risks etc.
My eldest had 'behaviour probles' because of ADHD but being in a unit did wonders for her, so don't write this boy off.
Set your bounderies for your DS and stick to the ones that are non-negotiable.
Over stricked parenting of teens doesn't work, they need to be taught how to make the right choices for themselves.
Think you're handling it in the right way.
You can't really control who he spends time with at his age, as you know... I think this is the best option if:
a. you want to be in the loop as much as possible
b. you want him to see you as reasonable, rather than giving him an opportunity to paint you (or let the friend paint you) as a crazy dictator
All you can do is lead by example, and I think that being level headed, reminding him of his responsibilities and not having knee-jerk reactions is a pretty good way to go.
Also. Although I understand your fears, I also think that demonstrating a certain level of support for his friendship with a child who has clearly had problems is a good way to go. You could certainly choose to be proud of your DS for not dropping his friendship with a boy with issues like this - if presented in the right way, being positive about your DS's loyalty to his friend could be another way of demonstrating the difference between acting 'right' and acting 'wrong'. You don't approve of the friend's behaviour, but you will welcome him to your home as your DS's friend. In return, your DS has to understand and respect your reservations about them spending time when you don't know what they're up to.
I think you handled this perfectly.
100 good teen mum points
DS's argument was that he knows right from wrong due to the relationship we have and just because the boy is his friend it doesn't mean that he will do the same. So fingers crossed. He says they boy has a really good side. Also said that he has calmed down due to being at the unit which falls in with way you said Birds.
No more having to kamakazi dive into one of the isles when I see the boy in sainsbury's due to being the big bad wolef
Ditto other posters - YANBU and you have handled it well. Outright banning of the boy could make him resent you on this issue and lead to rebellion, lying etc. I agree with you wrt to no aimless hanging around but doing activities instead of being at home. V sensible. Maybe your DC can even be a good influence on the other and help him get back on track a bit.
I would also be very proud of DS being a good friend to someone who is having a hard time
There is also the possibility that your son might be a good and stablising influence on the other boy. Which would be good news all round.
Having been through teen years with two DS, I would say that this is exactly the age when you really need to flex your parental muscle. Take your eye off the ball for a second with boys at this age and it can be very hard to get them back on the right track.
I'm afraid I rather think it is more likely that the other boy will be a bad influence on your DS than your DS being a good influence on him, and I would put a stop to the relationship. It's too risky not to.
Thanks planet <bags the points>
Big heavy sigh's now. Will no doubt get a few more grey hairs monitoring this but guidance is the right thing to do rather than banning and hiding head in the sand hoping it will all go away which to be honest i dearly wanted to do
Yes, carabos. That was/is my huge dilema, know all about what can happen coming from a working class London background.
I have told him though in no uncertain terms that if I see a change in his attitude at home or at school or I find out they have been up to anything then that is it, no second chance. On strike all out.
Will also sit down with both of them and tell them the rules.
I think people, particularly when they are older (ie not teens) apreciate that people were fair with them, and I suspect your ds has a well developed sense of fair-play, given what you have said.
Maybe just watch like a hawk, and prepared to jump at him from a great height if necessary?
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