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to not go to the daytime part of a hen party because I have a 7 year old...

(116 Posts)
marykat2004 Thu 06-Oct-11 20:55:41

... and the party will not be suitable for children?

I already agreed to make cakes (with my DD) but then I found out that the party starts at 3 pm. It's on a Sunday. Weekends are time I spend with my DD.

Another mum is leaving her DD with her kid's dad, but my DH has health problems and I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to look after our daughter just so I can go to a hen party in the day time.

scurryfunge Thu 06-Oct-11 20:57:08

Get a babysitter.

AchtungBaby Thu 06-Oct-11 20:59:17

I'd explain why you can't go until xpm, I'm sure that the bride to be will understand. I'd do the same thing.

rhondajean Thu 06-Oct-11 20:59:26

Id say you are NBU not to go, because you dont want to go. However it does sound a bit U to say its because you dont want to leave your daughter as she is 7 years old and should really be capable of being without you for once - and her dad should be more than capable of taking care of her.

Dont go cos you dont want to do - but dont try to make out its because you are being a bit of a martyr either...IYSWIM?

SazZaVoom Thu 06-Oct-11 20:59:34

Well, don't go then. Everyone else will not be aware of your baking commitments and I imagine will not want to reschedule a whole event because of you hmm.

I went to a hen weekend when DD's were 2 and 9 months. My DC were apparently able to survive without me. I would have thought a 7yr old would need little 'looking after' but then you know best about her needs and if you think her Dad can't cope and you don't want to ask anyone else, you can't go confused

redskyatnight Thu 06-Oct-11 21:00:14

Hen parties aren't normally suitable for children surely? If the time is not convenient then of course YANBU not to go. However a one off afternoon without DD is hardly a big issue. If you don't want to leave her with your DH for so long and you can't get a babysitter, why not compromise and, say, head to the party at 5pm.

Or are you just looking for an excuse not to go ...?

aldiwhore Thu 06-Oct-11 21:03:19

Don't go until later, but 3pm isn't THAT early, can your DH manage bathtime bedtime routine? Can you get a babysitter? You are entitled to an afternoon childfree, but its up to you if you don't WANT to.

I'd be out the door at 2.15pm, and back 12 hours later. wine

The bride should understand, but most hen do's tend to start earlier than an average night out. Just find out where there'll be at a certain time and arrange to meet up there. Have fun!

AchtungBaby Thu 06-Oct-11 21:06:05

The OP asked if she would BU not to go to the daytime part of the hen party, I think that she plans to go to the evening part of the hen party though.

YANBU.

duckdodgers Thu 06-Oct-11 21:11:35

You quite clearly either dont want to go and are using your DD as an excuse or like to think you are some kind of "supermum" who must devote their lives to their child.

If you dont want to go dont go.

marykat2004 Thu 06-Oct-11 21:12:47

Yes I was going to go after DD is in bed. She is hard work putting to bed, doesn't want to go to bed, gets hyper etc. Hard work for her dad.

I guess I just felt weird cos this other mum seemed to think I could just leave DD with her dad, the way she is doing.

tbh I would LOVE a whole day with just grown up friends but I really don't think I could do it without feeling guilty.

WilsonFrickett Thu 06-Oct-11 21:15:21

Why on earth did you feel the need to state the party won't be suitable for children? Of course it won't, it's a hen party confused.

Get a babysitter if you want to go. Don't get a babysitter if you don't want to go. Join them later if you don't feel you can leave your DD till she's asleep. But dknt be a martyr about it, eh?

FWIW you're getting off lightly, most hen dos are a full weekend these days...

Hulababy Thu 06-Oct-11 21:16:05

Is your DH's health condition something that makes him unable to deal with DD, even at 7yo?

TBH it is fairly normal to be able to leave a 7y with their dad for periods of time. But that is very much dependent on your dh's medical condition I guess.

rhondajean Thu 06-Oct-11 21:16:20

Oh mary - its hard work for you too - he is as much a parent as you and you shouldnt feel guilty about leaving her with him!

You are being really hard on yourself pet. GO and have fun.

rhondajean Thu 06-Oct-11 21:16:50

Oh and make the cakes before you leave - then there are munchies to come home to!!

WilsonFrickett Thu 06-Oct-11 21:18:58

X post, sorry. Are you saying you've never been for a day out since you've had your DD then? Why can't you leave her with her father? Isn't he allowed to parent her? The other mother assumed you could leave her because you should be able to leave a 7 yo with her father unless he has a disability. And even then, she's 7!

marykat2004 Thu 06-Oct-11 21:21:51

Re the cakes, I forgot to mention this is a surprise hen party and all the other girls know about the cakes, and DD and I can make them. And Yes I am getting off easy, this party is about 1 mile from where I live. I can make cakes, drop them off, spend the afternoon with my DD, and then go back out in the evening.

I guess I was just languishing over the thought of having a girls' night out that starts at 3 pm...

DH is recently lost his father so I guess I should not expect anything from him for quite some time.

And re babysitters, I could start another thread about that, DD only has one babysitter that she likes, and is terrified of all other adults for no reason that I can see. Last night I got a babysitter and she wet the bed because she was afraid to come out of her room. She has met this babysitter before, even been round her flat, but since it wasn't her favourite babysitter she decided there was something to be afraid of. Baffled.

If the state of your husband's mental health is so bad that he is not capable of being left in charge of his child - is there any support in place? How is he being helped? Could this be increased to help him to recover?

oh - not in time for the hen party of course grin but because it is terrible (sad) for you as a family that your husband's mental health is so bad that he cannot take care of his child.

I hope he makes a good recovery. xx

ballstoit Thu 06-Oct-11 21:30:25

As you've posted in AIBU, I'm going to be blunt.

Your DH should be able to cope with putting his own child to bed. Do you manage it on your own if he's no there? It is hard losing a parent, of course, but it doesn't excuse him from normal childcare duties.

Your DD is in control...the messing around at bedtime, the bedwetting when she has the babysitter she doesn't like, is unacceptable and, as her parents, you need to show her that this is the case. She is 7 years old, tell her she needs to be good for her dad because you are having a well deserved break. And make it clear that if she isn't good for him, the 2 of you will impose consequences for this.

Have a fabulous time at the hen party...you shouldn't feel guilty for one afternoon out, when your child is 7.

spiderslegs Thu 06-Oct-11 21:32:59

Can your DH have a friend or family member over for the afternoon until bedtime to help him out?

You need to go, for you I think.

marykat2004 Thu 06-Oct-11 21:37:24

family are far away, and his only local friends don't have children, and won't see him with his child. We have pretty unbalanced social lives I guess... I have even taken DD to grown up parties, but not so adult themed as a 'hen party'. My friends are mostly good about kids coming along, though of course not in this instance.. but that's how it would be, wouldn't it? My female friends will like kids, DH's male friends won't...

QuintessentialDead Thu 06-Oct-11 21:38:44

Is your dd a right little madam? hmm

I am not sure if YOU sound tied to your dds "apron" strings, or the other way around.

It is healthy for a child to learn and accept that grown ups has needs for grown up time. Dont let her develop into a spoilt brat.

rhondajean Thu 06-Oct-11 21:39:57

I think I misunderstood about the cakes, I thought you had arranged to spend the afternoon baking with dd and didnt want to let her down.

The blunt advice above is pretty good; you are taking a hell of a lot on yourself; my dd2 is also 7 and if she was behaving like that, I would take her to the GP as I would be really concerned about such behaviour IYSWIM. As for DH - its awful he has been bereaved - but his family that are still here need him to step up to the plate and one afternoon with his own child is NOT an unreasonable expectation. I think you might be letting the two of them take advantage of you and you need to draw a gentle line in the sand for your own sake. Before you make yourself ill.

TheBolter Thu 06-Oct-11 21:40:10

I agree with ballstoit.

I have a seven year old, and a five year old. My dh is losing his mother in one of the most hideous ways imaginable. And yes, I still expect him to be able to put them to bed. As he does, many nights.

And RE the bedwetting - I can't help but feel that she is manipulating you.

Sorry, but as ballstoit says, you have posted this in AIBU.

ChippingIn Thu 06-Oct-11 21:40:22

MaryKat - if my 7 year old was unable to sort herself out for an afternoon/bedtime with very minimal imput from her Dad (ie it's time to get ready for bed now love) then I would be mortified.

It is sad that your DH has lost his Dad sad but it does not render a grown adult useless, not even immediately, let alone for 'a long time to come'. You get on with what needs getting on with. I understand he has health issues, but as I said, he should only need to keep an eye on the time etc.

You sound like a complete martyr - you need to sort the pair of them out and your own attitude. NO one will thank you for being a martyr you know.

A hen party on a Sunday??

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