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to expect to be able to eat a meal that's not been reheated even though I have a 8wk old baby?

(30 Posts)
bebemoo Thu 06-Oct-11 19:41:50

DH is off of work, waiting for the next to start and is helping with the toddler and new baby etc. in the meantime.
He never feeds toddler at a decent time (i.e. btwn 5.30 and 6.30 imo) rather at abt 7.30 or as late as 8). And then complains abt her going to bed late 8-9 and then being grumpy and throwing tantrums all day long because she's then tired. When I nag prompt him to start supper (starting at 5) he always says 'in just a minute....'
In the meanwhile I'm taking care of the baby who is a fussy thing at night and feeds pretty much every hour on the hour...
Abt 6ish I always mention that either he needs to take the baby and let me get on with making supper or he needs to start it himself because I'm now starving too
'in just a minute...'
finally (when he's hungry -from what I can tell) he gets supper going, or if I plonk hand the baby over to him he then goes down to make supper which, even when it's reheating things from the freezer, takes FOREVER and makes a mess of the kitchen.
And what annoys me all the more is that from scratch or the freezer I always have to reheat the food because somehow it always ends up getting finished when I'm once again feeding the baby... at which time he yells at me that supper is ready and gets annoyed that I don't respond (I often don't because the baby is very sensitive to loud noises and will pop of the breast and fuss for ages before I can get her back on) and I usually end up eating by myself because 'he's got to deal with the toddler'
No matter how many times in the last 12 weeks I've mentioned the first bit abt toddler needing to be fed earlier, or in the last 8 weeks abt please can you try to finish supper during a time when I'm not going to be feeding the baby (like at the bottom of the hour rather than the top of the hour) nothing has changed.

Tomorrow I'm going to order pizza just as I start feeding so at least I'll get one hot, fresh meal this week. wink

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn Thu 06-Oct-11 19:44:01

My first thought as I read was just say to him "give the man at the door some money when he knocks" and order takeaway grin

bebemoo Thu 06-Oct-11 19:45:49

Pom- grin

girliefriend Thu 06-Oct-11 19:46:05

yabu.....sorry but thats normal to me!!!

RitaMorgan Thu 06-Oct-11 20:00:11

YANBU - and it's not normal. Most people are perfectly capable of putting a meal on the table at a reasonable time!

I'd fully expect DP to either get dinner ready for 6, or take the baby for an hour so I could do dinner. But I think I'd be much less indulgent than you OP and would not have put up with this crap for 8 weeks.

nailak Thu 06-Oct-11 20:02:12

why cant the baby sit in a seat and watch you make dinner?

bebemoo Thu 06-Oct-11 20:07:55

I wish the baby could sit in a seat and watch me cook... however she's got her eyes closed from about 5 onwards because if she's not feeding she's screaming unless you're thumping patting her on the back. She dozes for short minutes which is why I've managed to be able to eat even reheated food wink

cheeseandmarmitesandwich Thu 06-Oct-11 20:09:09

YANBU but... I remember how tough it was struggling with a toddler and a new baby, for all of us- we were just on survival mode for months. I don't understand why you can't eat and feed though? For the first few months DH chopped up practically all my meals for ne and I ate one-handed dropping food on poor DD2's head!

Also, if you're lucky enough to both be at home at the moment, why not try and have your main meal at lunchtime? Then in the evening when the baby is fussy you can just have sandwiches or beans on toast.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich Thu 06-Oct-11 20:09:09

YANBU but... I remember how tough it was struggling with a toddler and a new baby, for all of us- we were just on survival mode for months. I don't understand why you can't eat and feed though? For the first few months DH chopped up practically all my meals for ne and I ate one-handed dropping food on poor DD2's head!

Also, if you're lucky enough to both be at home at the moment, why not try and have your main meal at lunchtime? Then in the evening when the baby is fussy you can just have sandwiches or beans on toast.

LydiaWickham Thu 06-Oct-11 20:10:53

At 4:30pm - hand him baby, start making toddler and yourself a meal - ask DH if he wants to eat at that time or later. Leave him to his own devices. He can handle his own 8wk old for 1 hour - if he can't, he can then give you the baby back and he can continue to make dinner. Starting at 5pm would still be too late if he's got a fussy child around who will cause distractions.

If he's not working, what is he doing that's more important than housework and/or childcare?

FabbyChic Thu 06-Oct-11 20:11:46

Your toddler should not be fed so late it's really not good for him/her.

YOu should insist dinner is done for the child between 5 and 6.

Can you not express and let your partner feed the baby whilst you cook?

LydiaWickham Thu 06-Oct-11 20:12:59

oh, and you need a sling for the newborn - at least you'll be able to do stuff.

bebemoo Thu 06-Oct-11 20:13:15

Cheese- main meal at lunch i a good idea actually; easier to do quickie 'meal' at supper and probably easier to get the toddler to eat too...
I'll see if we can implement that tomorrow actually.

bumbums Thu 06-Oct-11 20:14:27

I used to sit on the sofa with my dinner on a tray next to me. I'd cover the baby with kitchen roll or a tea towel and eat. She did get the odd pea or bit of spagetti on her but she didn't mind and at least my food was hot!!
A for the timing of things, can your toddler eat simpler meals or reheated leftovers for a few weeks? And you and DH eat something else later? Then maybe you or he can get dcs food on the table for 5.

BsshBossh Thu 06-Oct-11 20:17:22

YANBU. Has your DH always been this hopeless (with children) and insensitive (to you)?

Iggly Thu 06-Oct-11 20:17:27

Agree with Fabby. Keeping toddlers routine is key apparently otherwise it throws them, making them harder to deal with as they get tired/grumpy etc <hopes she can follow her own advice when DC2 arrives in December>

What on earth is your DH doing?! I'd have thrown a big wobbly by now - tell him to make dinner now when it needs doing.

AbbyAbsinthe Thu 06-Oct-11 20:23:51

Really, there are people here that think that's NOT normal?? grin

I remember it all too well... I think I cried a lot because of those things!

Sorry for you though.

bumbums Thu 06-Oct-11 20:24:17

Yes I second the main meal happening at lunch.

RitaMorgan Thu 06-Oct-11 20:28:31

Abby - not if there's another adult in the house who is capable of cooking dinner/cutting yours up/holding the baby! No way would I be happy to eat cold, late food while DP faffed around and ate his dinner hot when he fancied it.

notso Thu 06-Oct-11 20:30:19

On one hand I can see how this would be annoying but on the other hand, you should be a bit grateful to have someone making the food in the first place.
For the first four months of DS2's life until his colic settled down I had to cook everything one handed while wrangling a screaming baby onto my breast as DH often doesn't get in until after 7, which is way to late for older Dc to eat.
I see you have four options;
just give him the baby, and cook yourself,
nag his back off to start cooking at a reasonable time,
get a sling, some ear plugs, and splatter guards for your pans and cook it yourself,
get a slow cooker and put a meal on at a more suitable time, this will also mean your food will be hot whenever you are ready.

Georgimama Thu 06-Oct-11 20:30:53

What exactly is he doing all day?

ladyintheradiator Thu 06-Oct-11 20:47:56

Of course it's not bloody normal - toddler not being fed until 8pm because the adult who is supposed to be making their food just can't be fucking arsed, is NOT normal.

So I think you have bigger issues than eating your own hot meal tbh.

Does your H do anything of value? It's hard with a baby and a toddler but it shouldn't be like this.

AbbyAbsinthe Thu 06-Oct-11 20:50:45

Not that part, ladyintheradiator - the sheer frustration of the OP, and how fucking awful it is, and how you feel unsupported. THAT part.

elinorbellowed Thu 06-Oct-11 20:59:30

Practice this speech.
"I need more help here. Please start cooking tea earlier so that toddler is fed and in bed at a better time. Then the late evening will be less stressful. If you don't want to eat then, don't, but WE do. I am breastfeeding OUR child and I need good healthy food at regular intervals. If you cannot manage that, employ a cook."
You could follow it up with crying. Too manipulative?

bebemoo Fri 07-Oct-11 09:11:59

I realise that I've been lucky in many ways to have him home all this time...tho I'd have preferred a little less stress because money was coming in... And I know I'm going to really struggle once he's working again. I'll be on here again asking for coping ideas I'm sure!
Before he was off work for such a long time I never realised how much he's missed out on learning how to deal with a toddler. I thought he did a pretty good job on mostly the weekends when we saw him and I made a lot of excuses for him about him working and being tired for the reason that he didn't do certain things. Now I realise that he actually doesn't really know how to do a lot of the things... it's been a learning experience for us both. I've been trying to explain that he cannot do certain things... like asking the 2yo what she wants for supper or asking if she wants to eat now... he just needs to put food down in front of her (and preferably not in front of the TV but at the table).
He's been pretty good about keeping the toddler busy (most with TV tho), and running a lot of errands and he's started to figure out how to manage the household (getting the dishes washed and the laundry clean). But he's also been (supposedly) working on a project, tho when ever I look at his computer I see him on his own forums... -I've started randomly asking how work is going wink, it's a bit like having a teenager in the house.

I was looking at crock pots yesterday actually saw a really nice one that you could use the pot on the stove top, in the oven, as well as in the base...when we've got some money again I think I might get it actually because it'll be really useful.

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