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To want to downsize house, car, whole lifestyle for another baby?

(15 Posts)
JollyGoodShow Wed 05-Oct-11 20:58:40

DH and I have two lovely sons aged 6 and 3. We are very fortunate in that our lifestyle as a family is comfortable- whilst we are not rolling in money, we don't do too badly.

I would love another baby, DH has always known that for me ds2 didn't feel like the last one. Whilst he says he would like to add to our family, he says he is not prepared to make sacrifices to our lifestyle to achieve it. I dont think we would need to- we would need to save a bit first for when I am on maternity leave from my pt job, and the nursery years might be a bit tight, but we manage now with nursery fees and ds2 will start school next sept so we wouldn't have 2 in nursery at the same time. I would downsize the whole shebang if it meant we could afford another baby- which is of course a moot point- but dh is just not willing. This is his dream house (I do love it too but for me,although it is our family home, it's just a thing and wherever we are together then that would be home too) but I am soooo longing for one more snuffly little bundle to snuggle up to me in the wee hours.

I know it would be unreasonable if me to expect dh to wantto move from his dream but this is my dream too and for me, dreams about family and feelings and love are more important than dreams about owning things. We aren't really trying to "trump" each others dreams in this but AIBU feeling so ao broody that I want to trample all over dh's needs? I am aren't I. Bugger.

BruciesDollyDealer Wed 05-Oct-11 21:05:20

why have another baby to dump it in a nursery

just wait until you can look after it properly

JollyGoodShow Wed 05-Oct-11 21:27:07

Ouch. I didn't really think this was a sahm/wohm argument.

Any other thoughts out there?

nethunsreject Wed 05-Oct-11 21:32:10

Ffs, Brucies. hmm

Well, I totally understand your desire for another baby, but moving house would be a MASSIVE upheaval. You and dh seem to be at complete odds.

DO you think this is passing broodiness? Or have you always fancied 3?

Madinitials Wed 05-Oct-11 21:35:35

But if you downsize the house, will you have space for DC3?

JollyGoodShow Wed 05-Oct-11 21:39:18

Nethuns- as barbed as Brucies comment is, part of my AIBU feeling is because I would like to be able to spend more time with our children (and any more that we do or don't have!)- they are growing so quickly and I would like to cut my hours at work a bit more. But this would mean mak

MogTheForgetfulCat Wed 05-Oct-11 21:39:47

I dunno - to me, another baby is such an important thing that it would trump a house any time. And I feel that wherever we live as a family is our family home, and therefore a dream house <schmaltzy emoticon>. What's the deal - that you couldn't afford your current house if you have another? Or something else?

I had DS3 earlier this year, and can't say that, apart from being on mat leave and having less money for that period (which was planned for, and which you've anticipated), he has cost much at all grin. Childcare costs have been zero since I've been on leave, obviously, and will just continue at the same level as they were once I'm back at work (part-time).

Brucie - think you should fuck the fuck off, and when you get there fuck off some more. What a bloody bitchy, unpleasant response.

Dialsmavis Wed 05-Oct-11 21:41:08

Dickhead of the day goes to Brucies then...

Dialsmavis Wed 05-Oct-11 21:42:58

Could you bung the DC in to shared rooms and get a couple of language students in when money is tight? That is our back up plan for when we can't afford the bills...

ScaredBear Wed 05-Oct-11 21:43:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JollyGoodShow Wed 05-Oct-11 21:52:24

Nethuns- as barbed as Brucies comment is, part of my AIBU feeling is because I would like to be able to spend more time with our children (and any more that we do or don't have!)- they are growing so quickly and I would like to cut my hours at work a bit more so that i can be part of their childhood more. But this would mean making sacrifices to our lifestyle that dh just isn't happy about.

I have always wanted a large family- dh has only ever wanted two children. Ds1 was unplanned (but very much welcomed) and so I have only felt broody once before. It is like a physical sensation in my chest that longs for another baby. I have had two horrible pregnancies, hyperemesis both times all the way through, and I think dh is a bit scared of what he'd need to shoulder if I was I'll again.

JollyGoodShow Wed 05-Oct-11 22:11:29

Oops double post, sorry.

Mog that's exactly it! I can't believe an inanimate thing like a house could ever ever be more important than a baby!

But it would be a massive upheaval. Just am frustrated that although dh says he would like another, he's not willing to actually make any sacrifices, even small ones, to achieve it. Giving up our Friday night take away for example would save us enough to pay nearly half the nursery bill.

DialsMavis- I would quite cheerily not have the nice little treats we have at the mo and be creative with our income (love the language student idea) if it meant we could make the figures add up. (we can at the moment with a bit of effort but dh will not do any belt tightening) it is this comfort factor that he has an issue with.

mutha2two Wed 05-Oct-11 22:18:44

Hi Jolly

Tough one for you I think. You have to balance your and your DH's wishes and those of your 2 dc's. My aunt had twice the number of children(4)than my uncle wanted and, much as he loves his children ( all adults now ) it put untold pressure on their marriage and he has made the ultimate sacrifice - facing old age pretty much brassic having paid four four lots of private education and subsistence through university and the marriage broke down (it was his second marriage and he was much older). Why don't you wait a bit and enjoy your 2 dc's and if broodiness is still gnawing away in a year or so revisit it? Also if you go up to 3 kids that does represent a far bigger financial commitment which may be your dh feels more ambiguous about shouldering? And there is always that psychological thing of feeling outnumbered by your kids which may be weep within your comfort zone but outside your DH's?

Bunbaker Wed 05-Oct-11 22:19:13

It looks like I am going out on a limb here, but I agree with your husband, I wouldn't want to downsize to have another baby. I am not materialistic and a house is only bricks and mortar after all (or stone), but once you get used to the space and convenience of a larger house, in reality downsizing isn't much fun at all.

Added to that the upheaval of moving and the upheaval of a new baby. Quite frankly I don't blame him.

Is it not managable to stay in your house and have another baby?

JollyGoodShow Wed 05-Oct-11 22:22:50

Bunbaker I think it is doable in our current place. But it would mean cutting back and this is where we disagree- he will not. I would in a heartbeat.

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