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To be quite offended at ex thinking we should get back together?

(14 Posts)
HullEnzia Wed 05-Oct-11 15:36:25

I'm taking this personally and I don't know if I should be.

Basically a few years ago I was involved with a manchild in a long distance relationship. He was good with the kids, we had a lot in common and we did have a laugh together but he was a total mummy's boy. She packed his bags for him when he came to stay with me, unpacked his bags for him when he went home, paid his credit card for him monthly, cooked, cleaned for him etc and he was terrible with money. Would say he had no money to pay his phonebill whilst standing in the queue with a new xbox under his arm.

So anyway, we broke up. Since then we've both been in other relationships, one of mine was serious, one of his was serious but eventually all broke up. Now we're both single again. He's decided it would be a good idea for us to get back together because he earns more money now and isn't tied to his home-town so could move in with me!! I think he's PURELY thinking of this as a money/material benefit.

I feel quite offended that he would think of me in this material way? Like it's just an easy way to move into a prepared family and move out of his parents house. I'm sick of being looked at only when nothing better is available angry

purplepidjinawoollytangle Wed 05-Oct-11 15:40:22

Why are you blaming yourself for him being a twat?

aldiwhore Wed 05-Oct-11 15:45:33

Tell him its a great idea, he should buy a house near you, live in it, learn to be a man, prove himself, learn to be a domestic God and then give you a ring in a year.

You're still in touch with him though which makes me wonder whether you keep twats around you to enforce the idea that you're not worth much? Probably not worded that right, but if something's not worked, delete, move on.

I'm not sure what else has gone on, but from his PoV its not that you'll 'do', but rather that you're both single and why not.... you have many reasons why not, he should try and convince you as to WHY.

What makes you think that you're only ever looked at when nothing better is available?

It could be that he's changed a bit, could be that he never really got over you and was waiting for you to be single, he COULD be utterly in love with you. Doesn't mean he's the right one of course, but it doesn't automatically mean that he's only after you because you're 'ready made'.

HullEnzia Wed 05-Oct-11 15:46:19

I just feel that I'm only ever anyone's back up plan. I remember all the way back at school people would only walk home with me if they had nobody else to walk with. Even my mum used to only make plans with me if her husband was at work (and would cancel then if he managed to get the day off!). Then my most recent ex admitted if he found someone he liked better he would have gone off with them (aspergers so very blunt but also very true!) and then this ex (in the OP) goes and admits more or less that he'd like to get back with me now as nothing else worked out for him and our financial/living arrangements would be comfy. I'm sick of it.

solidgoldbrass Wed 05-Oct-11 15:48:14

Tell him to fuck off, you can do better than him, thanks. But don't be offended, have a laugh at what a total tosspot he is if that's the best chat up line he can think of.

aldiwhore Wed 05-Oct-11 15:51:06

Don't allow yourself to be a back up plan.

Though that in itself has some merits, you're dependable, reliable, loyal, always there... you'd make a good friend/partner! On the other hand, you're putting yourself in the role of always being available and not kicking off when someone lets you down.

Many people would leave someone if someone better 'came along' so its not just about you (obviously I'd worry if it was a serious relationship, I want to be damn well adored!).

Make yourself MORE unavailable, but don't lose those qualities that have put you in this position, just create balance by being a little more elusive.

You can only change what's in your control to change, and that starts with you. YANBU by the way, but you seem to have a pattern of behaviour that attracts the type of people you describe, you can't change other people's behaviour without first changing yourself.

ShoutyHamster Wed 05-Oct-11 15:53:30

I was just about to ask why on earth you are still in touch with him, even... then your second post answered it for me.

You only get to be thought of as a back-up plan if you allow yourself to get into that role. Ask yourself why you stayed in touch with him - it can't really have been for your benefit, surely? Do you catch yourself thinking 'there's no reason to not speak to him, he doesn't deserve me ignoring him... Unless he's hugely witty, funny and a great mate - move on!

mumsamilitant Wed 05-Oct-11 15:57:06

Hull, don't keep trash around, throw it in the bin sweetheart. You sound like you could do with a bit of self esteem boosting. I haven't read a self help book for year (probably because I'm beyond it wink) I'm sure some of the other MNers can recommend something to you.

Shutupanddrive Wed 05-Oct-11 15:58:44

Just tell him to piss off!

you are firmly settled in victim mode, change your viw of yourself you need to believe you are worth more

view blush

MrsMooo Wed 05-Oct-11 16:13:33

YANBU, he is a twat

ExP was very similar, we have a child together and I won't entertain similar ideas from him, so no way should you entertain his ideas when you have no reason to

you can and will do better

DaphneDoomWarrior Wed 05-Oct-11 16:28:59

Sounds to me like you have some personal insecurity issues, ones that supercede you ever having been in a relationship with him, if you don't mind me saying so.
It sounds like the only thing you disagreed about when you had your earlier relationship was the fact that he was still living at home and being mollycoddled. From his POV, he feels he has now eliminated that aspect of his life, so quite understandably feels that there might be no good reason for you two not to give it another go.
Ditch him by all means if you are sure he is not the right option, but don't do so for all the wrong reasons.


Direct him to the job centre.

He can hire a cleaner and a cook

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