about this baby?(14 Posts)
Im going to try and keep this short so please bear with me
12 months ago my OH fell out with his parents, it was a stupid argument, we had to travel 6 hours to pick a puppy up and leave at half five, they were minding my SD and his dad asked for a lift to work about 40 minutes after we needed to leave. We were on time constraints and the twelve hour journey was going to cause problems as it was with feeding the poor puppy etc so OH said can we make it about 20 minutes earlier, his dad flipped and said alsorts to the effect of him being an ungreatful little shit, his mum then chipped in fine, we will get SD up at the crack of dawn then, at which point OH left the house taking SD with us, who instead just slept in the car most of the way
Silly argument, they knew it, we knew it and agreed to draw a line under it, they have her once a week and did as planned, they then contacted to say that they felt that we were with holding contact because we hadnt gone round one saturday, she rang and had a real go at OH on the night before his birthday then totally ignored his birthday
Since then we have been at a stale mate, they see their grand daughter once or twice a week, he actually gives up a full nights contact so they can have her, they refused our christmas presents, they refused my invitations to the house for christmas and her birthday and a few other things and have stated that they will not have anything more to do with OH until he appologises
Now im 12 weeks pregnant, and my mindset is if they cant call a truce they can fuck off quite frankly, SD is a different matter they have a close relationship with her and I would never interfere with that nor would the OH however they barely know me because of the row and Im adamant im not tripping round with the baby to keep them happy, if they want to see it they swallow their pride and visit at my house when it comes
OH's brother thinks Im being awful - am I being unreasonable given that they have turned down at least five peace offers?
YANBU - I'd tell them where to shove it. What is your OH opinion?
he doesnt want anymore to do with them full stop TBH, its not the first time something like this has happened, they dont actually even know about the baby yet, Ive got my scan friday so we will tell them over the weekend but to be fair being as they wont even talk to us when they pick SD up im not sure how we are going to pass the news on!
YANBU at all, bet they change their tune once they find out your pregnant though
probably, Im not after an apollogy by the way, if they come to my door they will be welcomed in like anyone else, its just that last time I invited them round was SD's birthday and his mum sent me a text declining and saying as long as they got their 'access' they were happy, makes me wonder how they see the future!
So SD doesn't live with you, she comes to yours a couple of times a week and one of those days she goes to her grandparents? I think you are being entirely reasonable about things to be honest. It's good that you're thinking of SD and her needs/relationships.. the grandparents obviously aren't, otherwise they'd wish the whole thing was more amicable for the sake of your SD.
In the end though, they are your oh's parents, go with what he wants on this one.. your baby won't NEED them, it's a shame obviously but if they want to play silly buggers then it's their choice isn't it.
No we should have her three nights and one day, we now have her two night and sometimes the day - they still think we with hold access even at that! Your right Snakeoncrack it is his decision, and to be fair he has pretty much said what I have, his just ends with 'and if they dont come round they can go to hell' where as Im a bit more worried about leaving them out
Nice to know that on paper we dont look like arseholes
As long as they got their access they were happy?
OP, I think you're getting a very useful warning here of the kind of people your baby's grandparents are. It's a good thing that your OH seems to see them for that too.
I'm sure they will change their tune when they find out about your pregnancy. I'd be welcoming, happy, bygones can be bygones - but I'd remember these incidents, and be ready to come down like a ton of bricks on any guilt-tripping, manipulative nonsense when it comes to your baby:
- there is no such thing as 'access' - they are either a loved AND LOVING part of your family, or they are not;
- if they want to play silly buggers, then make no mistake, they will end up with no relationship with their grandchild, because yes siree you will make no bones about 'witholding contact' when it's a case of keeping your child away from a pair of loons;
- their arrangements with your SD have absolutely NO bearing on what arrangments might be with your child - any idea that because they have SD for a day/overnight, they expect it with your child should be very firmly quashed. You and your OH make the decisions, and they might very well be completely different for your own child.
- People who flip their lid and start silly arguments won't be welcome in your home or near your child.
OP, how old is your stepdaughter? Is she old enough to notice her grandparents' behaviour to her dad, and be affected by it?
shes 4 and she occasionally comes home a bit troubled saying stuff like nana says dad is silly - nothing to serious but enough to annoy the hell out of me, to be fair shes oblivious to life in general so she tends not to notice the door step snub
oh and shoutyhamster ive already pretty much decided those rules, to its good to hear them from someone else
They seem to believe they are entitled to access, rather than your dh kindly allowing them to be a big part of his dd's life. I would put them right on that, because as things stand, they are taking an awful lot for granted. Your poor dh is losing precious time with his child, for people who don't even appreciate the sacrifice he is making.
I actually think they should be seeing less of your DSD. People who can treat their own son so badly, could turn on the child as she grows up and doesn't toe the line.
I would also not want them anywhere near my baby. If they changed their behaviour I would welcome them to my house, but there would be no overnight visits or letting them think they have 'rights' to anything.
YANBU, how rude. I agree with ShoutyHamster's very sensible post on this.
I agree with karmabeliever that they should be seeing less of your DSD. If they are badmouthing your OH to her (and it sounds as if they may well be) then that really has to be stopped. Under no circumstances should they be doing that.
while I agree I also admire that he lets her continue to go round - his argument has always been that when times were hard they really were very good to him and his daughter, if he wanted it they cooked tea every night, they would always run her round etc - I think the problem is that as we have become a family we havent needed that level of input - I cook tea and look after SD and while we visited at least twice a week until the fally our and they were always welcome to drop round it was less than they were used too, just dont think they like the fact hes more independent now, regardless of that however I just dont feel the same loyalty to them I think they have behaved like children, my parents just arent like that so I struggle with the whole situation, Im certainly not letting it happen with my baby Im determined!!
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