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A relative pinched my 14 month old baby on her face

(533 Posts)
Snickers25 Tue 04-Oct-11 22:20:17

My partners sister pinched our baby on the face, causing a bruise that lasted 10 days. I saw the aunt pinch my daughter just as I walked past the room. I assume my baby might have pinched her first (but that's no excuse as the aunt is 43 and my daughter is only 14 months old). My baby daughter screamed in pain and sobbed for several minutes afterwards. As soon as I saw it happen I scooped her up and removed her from the room but now I don't trust this woman with my kids. I have 3 Pre-schoolers and this aunt has moved in with us for 12-18 months!
I didn't say anything to the aunt at the time as I was too shocked and upset. I haven't mentioned it since & it was 2 months ago. I asked my partner to speak to the aunt (his sister) which he did & she seemed surprised about the deep blue bruise on baby's cheek. He apparently said that only we (parents) are to discipline the children.

My daughter also had a large cut on her top lip a few weeks before (obviously a fingernail cut from the aunt) which the aunt said was caused by baby's fingernail. She had only been with the aunt for an hour. It definitely wasn't from baby as it was too wide/thick to be from a baby's fingernail. I couldn't understand why she would lie about an accident. I wouldn't have been upset/angry about an accident! Why lie about it?

However, I don't trust her now & I sure as heck don't want my kids to have to live with her if something ever happened to me & my partner (that aunt is in our will as being guardian and I want that changed now).
Has anyone else had something similar happen? How did you handle it? Thanks for any advice.

freakendblue Wed 05-Oct-11 09:41:02

Who number 1) pinches a baby (or a child) or pinches them 2)holds the pich for 30 seconds? Not misguided, just bloody cruel. angry

pigletmania Wed 05-Oct-11 09:41:40

Totall agree with driverdan the voice of reason

pigletmania Wed 05-Oct-11 09:42:38

It's cruel and misguided

pigletmania Wed 05-Oct-11 09:44:43

It's like those who say if your child bites you, should bite thm back to teach them how it hurts. Not right, but some people believe in that type of discipline

Migsy1 Wed 05-Oct-11 10:01:37

Sorry, just seen other posts. I think you know what you need to do but are having some problems doing it. Please seek advice from your friends and family. You know this woman has to leave your home and it seems to me that your DP is not supporting you. You need the strength to do what is right. It does sound like you may be suffering from depression and if you are that will cloud your judgement and make everything seem extremely hard. Perhaps you should first of all go to the doctor and get some treatment for your depression. Living under this strain will only make things worse for you, especially if you have to make sure that your SIL cannot be in the same room as your kids.
What does your DP think about the situation? He must have talked to you about it.

GetOrfMo1Land Wed 05-Oct-11 10:10:52

Good god some of you need to calm the fuck down.

Hysteria, crying and reporting an OP with no posting history, who is an internet stranger and which you have never engaged with before. If you are getting that involved in someone's story then you need to step away from the computer tbh.

And what is reporting going to do? On the basis of a postcode and an email address? Are you expecting MNHQ to email these details to the nearest local authority and ask them to please use scant resources to investigate these bare details, based on one internet thread which could be fabrication? Get several grips.

And stop peppering your posts like this !!!! It makes whatever you are saying look inane!! See!!

I don't see the point of this thread anyway, the OP evidently is not going to do anything about the aunt, and I am sure most of you would only be appeased with a blow-by-blow account of a stand-up row with the OP and the aunt, culminating with the aunt being thrown out of the house with all her belongings in a black bag and/or arrested.

bubby64 Wed 05-Oct-11 10:11:43

There seems to be a lot of hysterical posters here, which is not helping snickers, but yes, I agree that your children need protecting, and certainly remove her guadianship from your will. Have you sat down and talked with dp and his sister? Is she aware from you both how disturbing you found this, and how you cannot trust her with the children and, rather than helping you, she is making you more exhauted through worrying about your childrens well-being? Also is your dh aware of your feelings andwilling to back you up when if you ask her to leave?

FetchezLaVache Wed 05-Oct-11 10:38:49

Toddlerama- as it clearly states in the OP, the incident with the fingernail was a few weeks before the cheek-pinching incident.

BruciesDollyDealer Wed 05-Oct-11 10:51:37

There seems to be a lot of hysterical posters here

yes, thats the norm for MN


toddlerama Wed 05-Oct-11 10:57:06

Apologies fetchez. I misunderstood. I still think it's wholly unrealistic to keep and adult member of the household away from the children unsupervised at all times, especially when she is there to assist with the children! If you don't want her near your kids, she can't live there. Otherwise if you aren't satisfied with the previous talking to from your DH, you need to speak to her yourself. You can't live under trying to keep them apart like the fox, chicken and corn riddle.

Hullygully Wed 05-Oct-11 11:00:49

Was there a day out from the home for Hysterical Berserkers or what?

FetchezLaVache Wed 05-Oct-11 11:37:41

Don't worry about it, toddlerama! The same thought occurred to me, but fortunately I checked first...

OP, I think the time has come to sit your SIL down and say that you appreciate her offer to come and stay and help with the kids, but as you can't actually trust her alone with the kids due to the pinching incident you witnessed (and do not shy away from saying that), she can't actually help out and it's probably time to rethink the arrangement. You sound in a state, which is entirely understandable- this has clearly been preying on your mind for 2 months. Perhaps you thought your DP would play "bad cop" on her ass and kick her out, but that hasn't happened? But you need to get things moving on, for your own peace of mind.

pigletmania Wed 05-Oct-11 11:49:27

Exactly there are some major overreactions, no need to involve ss fgs, just tell her it's not working out and that you were concerned about the pinching so she is to find somewhere else to gi

Jux Wed 05-Oct-11 12:04:45

horrific? revolting?

This is horrific and revolting: a baby covered in cigarette burns; a baby being subjected to sexual abuse; a baby left to starve in her cot.

Just so everyone can get things into perspective.

SnakeOnCrack Wed 05-Oct-11 12:09:00

I do feel for you as you've been put in a difficult situation. However, if you feel you cannot leave your children alone with her, that would make for highly difficult/uncomfortable day to day living.

It is NOT your job to house your sister in law- if she has been living with you for 3 months rent free, that's quite enough help I'd say! It would be more than fair to gently raise the subject of her moving out (without mentioning her treatment of your baby if you don't want to). You don't have to turn this into WW3. Remove her from the day to day contact with your children with the minimum amount of fuss.

FetchezLaVache Wed 05-Oct-11 12:10:23

But how come a 43 yo woman can just drop everything to move to the other side of the planet for such a long time in the first place? Did she have a job in Oz? How is she funding her stay? You're not doling out spending money to her, are you?

Moominsarescary Wed 05-Oct-11 12:44:51

Agree to many hysterical posters here.

While it is horrifying that an adult thinks pinching a baby for whatever reason is acceptable ( which it most certainly isn't)

For a sw to come along and say that ss would take the child away on this basis is just bloody rediculous. There are cases of severe abuse such as that of baby Peter on the news all the time where ss should have intervened but didn't . Ss might investigate , they may even state that the aunt needs to leave the house but to say they would take the child away, bloody scare mongering.

No wonder people are so weary of ss when we have sw out there making such ridiculous claims, you should be ashamed of yourself you give your profession a bad name. Sw should be working with family's to protect children not ostracising parents asking for advice and help

mrszimmerman Wed 05-Oct-11 12:53:18

not acceptable.
politeness no longer appropriate.
I think she has to be tackled openly and honestly.
Really out of order and I know we're more precious about kids than our grandparents'generation but still.
Is this woman from a very different culture to yours by any chance?
I think she does sound like she's not 100% sane.

pigletmania Wed 05-Oct-11 13:03:51

I know, I have just read the whole if this thread during the day when not riddled with sleep and I am shocked at some of the posts accusing op of abuse, neglect, ss coming and taking child away. The op sounds quite vulnerable herself and this is the last thing she needs to hear. Some of the posts are simply awful

KeepInMind Wed 05-Oct-11 13:04:07

I really think I would have to ask her to leave my house if she had done this to one of my children.

LydiaWickham Wed 05-Oct-11 13:17:07

OP - you have had some very good advice on here. To add to it, this woman is supposed to be in your house to help you, but as you can't leave your DCs alone with her, she's not actually a help. Therefore she's just staying with you for free, living off you and your DP and hurting your DCs.

Really, why have her in the house? If you don't want to be mean about it, give her some time to find somewhere else, but in private i'd give DP a deadline - either she is gone by the end of the month, or you will be. Either he believes his DC's wellbeing is the most important thing in the world, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, why would you want to be with him?

This is his family, he should man up and deal with it. If it causes problems with his family, tough. Your children's safety is more important than the feelings of adults.

If he doesn't care enough to do it, you have some serious issues in your relationship.

runningwilde Wed 05-Oct-11 14:10:38

I think those going on about hysteria need to direct their energy at the op
Who is clearly doing nothing to get this woman out of her house and won't answer a straight question as to whether she will and seems
Blind to the fact she is being total negligent and failing her children

RIZZ0 Wed 05-Oct-11 14:13:36

Hi Snickers,

what are your thoughts today?

I must say I have been thinking about the pinch, and you saying the scratch on the lip was definitely an accident. I have a friend who is a wonderful mother, who once at her wits end with her daughter biting her, she (gently) nipped her back to show that it hurts. Her daughter got the message and it never happened again.

Now whilst loads of people on here at hearing that story would happily have SS wrench the child away from such a "vile" and "abusive" home that they might deem it to be, (so the child might languish for three years in a home waiting to be adopted) - I saw it as a parenting method that I wouldn't do personally, but came out of a parenting theory, rather than a twisted act of abuse.

Perhaps at the very best, this aunt feels that as a family member who will be around long term, its ok for her to dish out such a "show them hows it feels" disciplining measure.
(I DON'T agree with this myself btw - IMO this would never be ok as it is up to the parent to deal with any discipline.)
At the worst she is a vile abuser who really can't wait to get your children alone so she can torture them.

Opinions are like arseholes - everyone's got one. But only you know where on the scale this woman is.

If you wholeheartedly believe she is a threat to your children, you must eject her, now.
If you believe she was being over familiar and overstepping the mark a bit, and was not acting in anger or spite, you need to have a meeting ASAP with her your OH and discuss it. Then discuss any future she has living in your house and being part of your family.

What do you think?

GetOrfMo1Land Wed 05-Oct-11 14:14:12

I am not going to direct my energy at the OP.

She evidently is not going to ask her aunt to leave, for one reason or another. There is some good advice on here but she probabloy can barely read it as this thread is 80% fuckwit bile idiocy.

RIZZ0 Wed 05-Oct-11 14:16:53

P.s. I have spoken with MN Towers who have confirmed that reporting a thread does NOT mean they act to report to the authorities. They have said:

"...all we have is an email address (and not always one with a full name).

As for reporting this to the social services, that is not something we would usually consider from this end - purely because, the internet being what it is, we can never be sure people are who they say they are or in the exact situation they say they are in..."

I really wanted to clear this up as I worried that people getting OTT last night might put off future posters from mentioning their concerns for the safety of a child.

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