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To feel unhappy & unloved, or should I just grow-up?

(39 Posts)
littlepiglet Tue 04-Oct-11 12:57:29

As the title says I feel unloved, I guess mainly it's hormones, or mood swings, but I can't get rid of this gut-feeling of utter emptiness, despair, loneliness etc, etc.

DH & I have a toddler, and I'm pregnant again. I'm in my 40s, have known DH for just over two & half years. I was thinner when I met him, and looked VERY young for my age...when pregnant with DD, I put on 5 stone, and the sleepless nights, fact that I'm pregnant before the baby weight came off, has all led to me looking less youthful.

This is where I become unreasonable: I feel insecure (I know that's normal when heavily pregnant), but this is way beyond anything I've ever felt before.

When we go out, DH is less than affectionate. If in town he doesn't hold my hand (OK so I'm pushing a buggy, but he still used to put his hand on mine), now he walks behind me - he says because there's not enough room, yet other people manage to walk together. He gets worse & further from me, if there happens to be young, teenage girls around.

His ogling of other women is pissing me off. It's nor women he ogles, but young teenage girls - some of them in school uniform.

I'm not a prude, or naive, I know that men look at women, but even when I was with a player (a few years ago) I never felt so invisible & undesirable. I've tried to rationalise it, but I have never been with a man before, who constantly turns his head to look at other women (and look them up & down), when with me before - NEVER! If they have it's been discreet, but I've always felt as if they've only eyes for me, when with me.

On his phone is videos of pop stars he finds attractive, and photos of celebs he fancies... This shouldn't bother me, but it does. I used to have them when I was single, but in a relationship, to carry around photos/videos on your phone, of other women you fancy , is just - weird! I'm not talking about porn here (which would worry me less), but to have no photos of me, and just of random famous women he wants to 'fantasise about' is just weird, and not something you do unless you're not with someone you're in love with, or are under 14 years of age.

Worse, the other night we were talking. I mentioned that I'd never fancied a man with balding hair before - and never thought I could (DH is balding), and his reply was "well when you get older your choices get limited & you settle for what you get".

Now that may be perfectly logical & sensible, but it hurt like hell, and kinda confirmed to me what I guessed all along - I'm just the woman he 'settled' for, and he looks at these young girls & fantasises about them, but married me as he didn't think he stood a chance with them...it makes me cry to think that, and I'd rather be alone, than know that he chose me because I was 'available' to him, not because he was in love with me. The stupid thing is, I had a few other men after me when I got with him, so I didn't settle for him.

He's stopped wearing his wedding ring (it was too small, but he got it sized up twice, but still claims it's tight), and has stopped grabbing my hand in the car, in the last couple of months... I feel like a housemate, and an occasional shag, but do not feel like a wife.

A friend of mine died in February at the age of 41, two months after being diagnosed with a brain tumour. Her DH of 20yrs was devastated, and they were truly in love - I mean they still fancied each other - she died knowing she was loved, tbh if I died tomorrow, I would never know how she felt to be loved.

littlepiglet Tue 04-Oct-11 13:01:29

I think another thing that bothers me is him & his ex wife used to have threesomes with her friend (I am so NOT into that). And he's quite often quipped about my female friends & me being secret lesbians, and which one of them would I want to 'lick out', if they were laying on the bed, naked! It horrifies me to think of my friends this way, and makes me feels sick to know that he has to be thinking of them in that way, in order to ask me such crude things.

I guess once a man has had threesomes, no single woman will ever be enough for them

EmilyMurphyLegallyAPerson Tue 04-Oct-11 13:03:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmilyMurphyLegallyAPerson Tue 04-Oct-11 13:04:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuntyPenfold Tue 04-Oct-11 13:05:20

I'm sorry you are so unhappy. What do you like about him? To an impartial listener he sounds like a dick.

SheCutOffTheirTails Tue 04-Oct-11 13:09:21

He sounds like a creep.

You still have other choices.

BuntyPenfold Tue 04-Oct-11 13:09:31

Please excuse my language. I meant he sounds disrespectful in the extreme, selfish and juvenile.

worraliberty Tue 04-Oct-11 13:11:01

If you've only known him just over 2 and a half years and you have a toddler together, you must have got pregnant immediately.

Do you think that might be part of the problem?

I mean you haven't really had a chance to relax and be a couple what with a pregnancy, a birth, a wedding and now another pregnancy?

jesuswhatnext Tue 04-Oct-11 13:11:47

just reading your second post made me feel sick - he sounds absolutly vile! what exactly do get from this relationship?

ShoutyHamster Tue 04-Oct-11 13:12:24

Two and a half years...

Not really long enough, perhaps, to know what someone is really like, once you come out of that first flush of attraction. Or, perhaps, not long enough to have a solid, tested relationship that you know you can rely on through the fog of baby stuff and inevitable insecurity about your looks/tiredness etc.

It could be that he is a shallow, lechy old arse whose colours you are now seeing. Or it could be that you are both a bit knocked sideways by quickly going from new coupledom into parenthood, and he's kicking out a bit (balding, 40s, dad of two - hmm his confidence probably isn't too top dog either tbh).

But... ogling teenage girls? Making crude comments about your friends?

Yes, to me he sounds like a complete dick. I vote for lechy old arse, sorry.

sunshineandbooks Tue 04-Oct-11 13:12:34

shock TBH he sounds vile. Selfish, immature, insensitive, rude and callous. sad

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not being over-sensitive or irrationally insecure. You are reacting in a perfectly normal, sane way to being with a man who is behaving like a wanker.

Openly ogling other women in front of you is not acceptable. Making it clear that he has "settled" for you and that you are found wanting (in his eyes) compared to female celebrities and teenage girls young enough to see him put in prison if he acted on it is not acceptable.

You do NOT need to grow up. HE DOES.

LydiaWickham Tue 04-Oct-11 13:12:37

It doesn't sound like he does love/fancy you. I guess you need to think about what's important to you. I couldn't live with a man who didnt love me, but I know a lot will.

You also sound like a lot of your confidence was from your appearance, I know had always been very, very thin before I had DS and I found it very hard to feel beautiful after I had DS until I lost the weight, however I had a DH who told me I was gorgeous every day, walks holding my hand when possible and will be annoyingly affectionate in public.

For your own self confidence, you might want to start looking at getting back to what you had before, but not for him -for yourself.

I guess the advice to think about what he brings to your life is a good on. I'd rather be alone with the possibility of finding love than be with someone and know I'd never have it.

ShoutyHamster Tue 04-Oct-11 13:13:09

'disrespectful in the extreme, selfish and juvenile.'

Yes - to a T.

valiumredhead Tue 04-Oct-11 13:15:26

On his phone is videos of pop stars he finds attractive, and photos of celebs he fancies

How old is he, 12?!

Of COURSE that should bother you, just because it confirms you are with an immature twat more that anything else!

valiumredhead Tue 04-Oct-11 13:16:09

That = than blush got ranty and forgot how to type!

upwalthambarnsahoy Tue 04-Oct-11 13:16:21

Littlepiglet your post has brought a tear to my eye so please don't think how you are feeling is just hormones or you being unreasonable. This is not normal, or acceptable, behaviour for a grown man.

Your "D"H sounds like a pig if I am perfectly frank. I can't believe that anyone would treat their partner in such a way. He seems to be an immature child who needs to grow up. Pictures of celebs on his phone?! That's just weird in my book too.

If it were me I would be having strong words with him about how you are being treated. Your husband should be your biggest champion, not someone who makes you feel like this.

Good luck with the pregnancy. I hope his behaviour improves. If it didn't after a frank discussion about how he is making you feel then he doesn't deserve you. None of the men I know be they my DH, or friends, family or workmates would act in this way.

SwimLittleFish Tue 04-Oct-11 13:21:50

He sounds very immature.

His comments about settling might be referring to you settling for him?
He sounds like he may have self esteem issues.

I understand how you feel about your weight as I feel like that too but your dh should not be making you feel unloved.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Tue 04-Oct-11 13:24:07

I agree with what everyone else has said. The use of the term lick you out, makes him sound even more juvenile.
I think I would be have a long hard look at what I actually see in this man TBH.

He sounds like a prat. Was your first pregnancy planned because it does sound as if all your relationship has been a rush and that perhaps you have never really got to know each other very well?

littlepiglet Tue 04-Oct-11 13:50:56

It was a rush - the pregnancy wasn't planned, but neither was it protected against.

I just feel so shit, and old, and unloveable.

I guess I am better than his exes; his ex-wife had black teeth, and some teeth missing, but he absolutely worshipped the ground she walked on, she wasn't that attractive (DH has said this himself), but she did have 'threesomes' and they did have an 'interesting' sex life, and I guess that made a difference.

In all honesty I feel a bit like a prostitute. His idea of foreplay is talking about boring stuff for an hour, then having grope - as if making small-talk, before getting down to 'business'.

I want more passion, more romance, guess that's unrealistic, my mum keeps telling me that passion is over-rated, yet I do fancy him, and I want him, and that makes it harder, as I feel so rejected all the time

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Tue 04-Oct-11 14:00:28

Very sad situation you are in.
I am not sure that his ex wifes teeth are an indicator of her attractiveness though. And your mother isn't helpful.
Your sex life doesn't have to be interesting, I am not sure mine is TBH but my DH wouldn't dream of behaving in the way yours does.
Have you told him how you feel?

cheekeymonkey Tue 04-Oct-11 14:08:57

Can't believe that only 1 person picked up on the fact that he is ogling children shock

littlepiglet Tue 04-Oct-11 14:11:16

Yeah, I have told him how I feel. He tells me he loves me, but not in the same, demonstrative way, he used to. More like we are 'friends'.

As I said my friend, who died, had a very loving relationship with her DH, and they still held hands, and kissed, and were openly affectionate, even after two kids & twenty years. She knew she was cherished, I know I'm not. And I have explained this to him, but he doesn't seem to understand

BuntyPenfold Tue 04-Oct-11 14:17:32

Some people with low self-esteem knock their partner, to bolster their own ego. Not nice, but not all that rare.

i would tell him that his suggestions are offensive and inappropriate, also the pictures on his phone. If he can't see that, he is very juvenile indeed, and I am sad for you.

it does sound as if you got together without really knowing each other very well. That isn't meant to be judgemental; I have done that myself. But it isn't surprising that things don't work out well when you had had very little time together previously.

I really hope you feel better soon. Don't forget that to your toddler you are the most beautiful woman in the world smile

littlepiglet Tue 04-Oct-11 14:51:23

BuntyPenfold aww thanks

We've just been watching TV, and an advert for SimplyBe came on, after they said that they cater for sizes 14 - 32, he turned to me and said "do you think they'll fit you? Maybe they could do a special run in a larger size, just for you".

To be honest I was quite shocked!

He did sort of jokingly punch me on the arm as if to say "ha ha boom boom", but it still cut.

He then went on to say that the clothes would be hideous, and just for those who are "fatties & eat all the cakes".

Funny thing is, I'm due to give brith next month, and I'm wearing size 18 tops - NOT MATERNITY, BUT REGULAR, so even with bump, I'm not that big, and I'm wearing size 16 regular bottoms. I lost some of the weight after DD, and haven't put on much at all this time round (so in effect I'm losing my weight & the small amount I've gained must be baby).

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