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AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

(236 Posts)
kitty4paws Tue 04-Oct-11 10:52:47

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.


I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

BeerTricksPotter Tue 04-Oct-11 10:57:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oggy Tue 04-Oct-11 10:57:55

Well it was crap of her to retract the money after offering it, but personally would really have made the call and had the money in my pocket before placing the order for the cabinets.

Sorry, it sounds like you are having such a hard time.

kitty4paws Tue 04-Oct-11 10:59:26


My ESIS bought us a dishwasher.

then "safe" in the knowledge that I had £1000 I have already had new doors fitted. With out the money we wont be able to have a holiday next year , in our caravan that Dh REALLY enjoys.

aldiwhore Tue 04-Oct-11 10:59:32

On face value its seems there's been a breakdown in communication on both parts. Your SIL is right in that you now have what you need, BUT she could have told you that before you asked for it... she should have got in touch with you (or your DH) and told what she and her mum had decided. That would be fair.

The doors are not part of the deal, though I understand why you'd think that money was still there, but it was money for specific requirements.

I think you should email your SIL and apologise for any upset caused, but do state that the situation would never had happened had you been told/updated about the change in circumstance/decision.

It must be very difficult for you, but though I want to say YANBU, I think that there is an element of unreasonable action on your part. And theirs.

Hope you can find a resolution, I may have read this wrong, I'm not having a go. Good luck.

kitty4paws Tue 04-Oct-11 11:00:29


I tursted that the money was there, having to have it upfront seems ( to me) that I woudl not trust her.

aldiwhore Tue 04-Oct-11 11:01:30

But the money was for a dishwasher, it was wrong of you to assume that now you HAVE a dishwasher you could still have that money. I guess you should have checked first, and she should have informed you that it wasn't.

rubyrubyruby Tue 04-Oct-11 11:01:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AKMD Tue 04-Oct-11 11:03:05

Sorry, I can see that this is a tough situation but I think YABU. In your OP it says that the money was given for a specific purpose. Your ESIS bought you a diswasher, which the money would otherwise have paid for, so the money was no longer needed. You really should have checked before you ordered anything else.

As usual, text conversations make everything worse.

kitty4paws Tue 04-Oct-11 11:03:21


The money was not put aside for specific things it was "things for the house" OTHER than the dishwahser.

SIL did not speak to me or DH but ONLY to ESIS who knows virtually NOTHING about how my life works and also KNEW that I wanted to replace the doors.

The use of the money was chaged with out ANY conatct with me or DH.

BeerTricksPotter Tue 04-Oct-11 11:03:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitty4paws Tue 04-Oct-11 11:05:32

The money WAS for a dishwasher then it was said to be for "other things" that I would decided on , it was left VERY ,VERY open.

DH does not want it to be spent on him , he wants it for his family.

Kitchen doors / dishwaher NEITHER is essential.

GilbonzoTheSecretPsychoDuck Tue 04-Oct-11 11:06:22

Are you the poster who's SIL was butting in on doctor's apps and treatments for your dh? (sorry if I'm wrong)

She is being overly controlling and manipulative. Can you try and get your dh and mil in the house at the same time without your sil being there so you can talk to them about it and put your point of view across in a calm way?

If the money was promised to you to help with your dh's needs then it shold go to you. If she has offered to help with your dh but needs financial help to do this then that should be a separate thing arranged between her and her mum.

Oggy Tue 04-Oct-11 11:06:23

I take your point about trust but I guess I am a super cautious person and in ANY circumstance I would not place an order for £1,000 worth of goods without knowing I had access to the funds (that was in my control).

It's just common sense, and not even necessarilly about trust because a number of other factors (other than your SIL pulling them) could have made access to the funds awkward at the point when you needed them.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 04-Oct-11 11:07:23

Well, if it was me, I would send them an email telling them that you only had the work done because they had previously told you that the money was available to you to decide how to spend it. Tell them that you would have appreciated being told otherwise, when they first made that decision.

The thing is it is your MIL's money and perhaps you should have run the cupboard purchase by her, before doing it. To be honest, getting new cupboards is not to your husband's benefit and perhaps his mum intended for that money to be used towards his actual care or for something to improve his quality of life.

You will just have to find the money from somewhere and pay for this work your self.

I think they have been quite abrupt with you and from the tone of your post, they come across as quite condescending. I think that when you rely on in laws for money, it does make you beholden and puts them in a position of power over you. MIL was treating you like a child by putting this money in the care of your SIL in the first place, instead of trusting it to you directly. There was a warning in that, which you shouldn't have ignored.

I would stand on my own two feet from now on. Why is dh going to his sister's house, instead of being home with you? I think it's time you reclaimed power over your own family and life and stopped leaning on your in laws. They sound a bit cold towards you and as if they don't like and respect you very much. Cut down on their involvement, would be my advice.

kitty4paws Tue 04-Oct-11 11:07:44

ruby ruby,

I was not told that I could only spend the money on esentials, jsut anythign that woudl make the house better.

and as part of DH's condition he would ask EVERY day "are we chaging these doors, the look odd now" etc etc .

Soooooo not essential in one way but for MY mental health then yes , essential.

rubyrubyruby Tue 04-Oct-11 11:08:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catchafallingstar Tue 04-Oct-11 11:08:36

So you can afford the doors? You just will have to forego your holiday? problem solved in my eyes unless you want to send the doors back?

I personally think YABU; no one is entitled to money from was generously offered to you to get a dishwasher ( although I wonder why you need that much!) and someone else purchased you one. I certainly wouldn't then view the money as 'spending money' but would give it back as you already have the item for which it was intended.

DeWe Tue 04-Oct-11 11:08:48

You do need to speak to your mil though. Because otherwise how do you know that your sil hasn't just decided that she would spend the money on herself.
Anyway why does she need to pay for meals and coffees out? I doubt your dh has said to her that her food stinks and he can't eat it wink

aldiwhore Tue 04-Oct-11 11:10:30

kitty4paws I get that, and I do think 'other people' were unreasonable here too. However, I think hindsight is a wonderful thing and with hindsight, you could have avoided this with a quick phonecall to your SIL to run the idea of new kitchen doors past her?

Its a bit of a mess. From when I'm sitting, one that could have been avoided by both you and SIL.

I guess thinking about time when we've been offered help its a case of checking, double checking, triple checking and having the cash before you take action. My folks offered to lend us some money to help pay a tax bill (long story, but we'd had to dip into tax funds during a very hard period of no work for self employed DH) we turned them down initially and they said 'well if you need it...' and it was left at that. We sorted ourselves out, but would have quite fancied a new sofa/kitchen etc., it would have been wrong to assume that this money was still available without adressing it with my parents... it wouldn't have been available. The oweness would have been on us to check first before purchasing anything.

YANU to be upset, but there is a responsibility on you also. Its done now, and its time to get back on an even keel with your in laws.

pippitysqueakity Tue 04-Oct-11 11:11:11

No advice, just think it is crap for you and you must be feeling rotten with this on top of everything else. I think your SIL treated you shoddily in this case and don't blame you for being upset, she was out of order complaining about when you phoned, how were you to know she had guests?
I hope the family continue to give you support and you can all move on from this, as difficult as it must be for you, please try not to isolate yourself over this.
Positive thoughts coming your way!

kitty4paws Tue 04-Oct-11 11:11:48


I would not have bought the doors if I had ANY ides that the money was not going to be there.

With his MH issues DH really NEEDS the holiday, I would never knowkingly put that at risk. so problem is not solved.

Xnedra Tue 04-Oct-11 11:13:23

Could you ask to use the money for the needed holiday, knowing his problems the family would understand he needs it I presume.

MumblingRagDoll Tue 04-Oct-11 11:13:37

Sorry op but I think you were presumtious. You got a dishwasher....MIL decided to put the money elsewhere. You bought doors on the assumption she would be ok with the 1000 being used for that. Doors are not integral to DHs health.

kitty4paws Tue 04-Oct-11 11:14:06


it was not even that the money was suddenlt needed by MIL ( that would be a whole other scenarieo) the way it was put to me was that the money was there for WHENEVER I wanted it. Just say.

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