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to think this is unspeakably rude?

(67 Posts)
Squitten Mon 03-Oct-11 21:47:50

I finally have something that has wound me up so much that I must defer it to the hallowed MN jury!

We invited BIL & SIL to lunch this weekend. DH rang BIL to confirm details and, as the conversation was winding up, BIL suddenly slipped in "Oh, you do know X (SIL's sister) is coming." SIL's sister lives near us and they have seemingly invited her over too without so much as asking us if it's ok and had the audacity to TELL us that was what was happening. DH's reaction was to splutter "Oh, er, ok.." or something equally useless, for which I am also quite mad at him.

In order to avoid drip-feeding, a little background: I don't think SIL particularly likes us. She always seems to find some way to avoid spending time with DH's family and has been quite blatent about it before now and it has caused rows with MIL, e.g. going on a holiday that MIL has paid for and then spending the whole time working. BIL is totally spineless and never ever stands up to her but will not tolerate any criticisms. We did invite her sister to DS2's baptism a few months back and they spent the whole party huddled together in a corner and didn't speak to anyone.

Me and DH both agree that SIL has invited her because she doesn't particularly want to be here at all but I think it is outrageous to invite other people to someone else's house and then TELL them how it's going to be rather than having the curtesy to ask the hosts first. As I said, are we expected to cater for her too? Before today, we hadn't even agreed the day yet so how did they know to invite her anyway? DH says this kind of casual invites thing is how their social group operates so it's normal for them.

I'm spitting nails about it and am minded to cancel the whole bloody thing but I had a death in the family 2 days ago and so accept I might be being somewhat over-emotional about the whole thing.

So, MN jury - utterly rude or acceptable social norm?? And what would you do about it?

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls Mon 03-Oct-11 21:50:40

I'd be spitting - different if someone has guests staying but this sounds all very strange!

Oggy Mon 03-Oct-11 21:53:00

Of course it's rude. You can't just invite people along to someone else's house without even asking the hosts.

I doubt you will find anyone that doesn't think its rude (although the Internet can often surprise us in this respect)

purplepidjinawoollytangle Mon 03-Oct-11 21:53:29

I'd be spitting - they should be cooking for you and offering condolences, not inviting people to your house!!

Condolences sad

needanewname Mon 03-Oct-11 21:54:20

I think they are incredibly rude, you don't tell your hosts what happening and who is coming. Very rude.

Sorry to hear about the death in your family, I would use this as a good excuse to cancel.

frutilla Mon 03-Oct-11 21:56:10

I'd be pissed off....wtf! But I think I would play my cards to my chest and not show it. Is there someone SIL hates who you could invite too and surprise them when they get there! Or serve a food that one of them hates.....def would feel like getting my revenge. But, interested to know why SIL invited sister. Unless she's not English. I live in Latin America, and here it's a case of "the more the merrier" bring a buddy instead of bring a bottle sort of thing. Keep us updated and good luck with not exploding!!!!

MollieO Mon 03-Oct-11 21:56:21

Do your bil and sil know about your family death?

You are perfectly entitled to say to them that the sister is not invited. Not a hard thing to do at all.

On a scale of rudeness if this is the worst thing that happens to you in your life you are doing well.

ChippingIn Mon 03-Oct-11 21:56:34

I'd be spitting too - I thought she was staying with them, then it would be understandable, but this is not on at all.

Tell your DH to ring his brother and tell him it is not on, if she doesn't want to come, she doesn't have to - but she's not bringing a playmate. She's an adult FGS.

tethersend Mon 03-Oct-11 21:56:43

Just ring them in the morning and ask them what they're bringing for lunch.

Pandygirl Mon 03-Oct-11 21:56:55

I agree, it sounds like she doesn't feel comfortable around you and wants some support. My mum feels this way about my dads family and my mums sis is ALWAYS at mum and dads home if his family are invited.

However that's completely different to inviting someone to your house. It depends how much you want to rock the boat. I'm not sure I'd say anything personally, but I would be seething inside.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Mon 03-Oct-11 21:57:18

YANBU at all. How rude! You should cancel and rearrange for a future date, and make it clear that the invite is for your SIL and BIL only.

MurunBuchstansangur Mon 03-Oct-11 21:58:17

See, I would have a BBQ or something, and have friends bring someone, wouldn't think anything of it.

In your circs though, if it is a 'lunch' and its SILs sister I'd think that was a bit off.

You are fucked off cause you have had no say. If BIL had spoken to you, you could have said something. Since he has 'cleared it' with your DH then you have no room to move.

<sigh> you should never let a man arrange anything. Once my DH collected my dry cleaning, the woman had ruined my blouse, and DH had paid her for the privilege. I was FUCKING LIVID.

emsyj Mon 03-Oct-11 21:59:50

I'm quite surprised that people think this is so outrageous tbh. You've invited some family over, they've asked another member of their own immediate family to come - just one person - and you're apoplectic with rage? confused

I don't get it. But i am quite laid back about people turning up at my house. It doesn't bother me.
<shrugs>

My mum is the same. I could ring her now and say, 'I'm coming for dinner tomorrow and bringing 10 people with me' and she wouldn't mind. I guess that must be unusual.

MurunBuchstansangur Mon 03-Oct-11 22:00:02

aaah that's the thing, you can bring someone if it's a do where you contribute to the food and drink. You can't if it's laid on by the host.

NEW LAW.

MysticShed Mon 03-Oct-11 22:03:25

I dont think it's outrageous either....I think some families...mine and emsyjs included are kind of relaxed about this sort of thing...tis a family lunch...its not like you asked the neighbour and they invited their Granny or something.

I would not bat an eyelid!

It sounds more like you dont like the SIL tbh

Nanny0gg Mon 03-Oct-11 22:07:43

If you don't have that kind of family/relationship (which it sounds as if you don't) then they are being VU.
And I'd be furious in your shoes too.

AgentProvocateur Mon 03-Oct-11 22:08:07

I think it's ok if it's a BBQ, or a big buffet lunch or something. But for a sit-down meal, I agree it's rude. (Although personally it wouldn't bother me very much). What kind of meal had you planned?

HerHissyness Mon 03-Oct-11 22:09:17

I think if you want to cancel it, go right ahead. The death in the family gives you that right.

Then say you will rearrange it and never get round to it

MysticShed Mon 03-Oct-11 22:13:29

So they never just drop round to visit?It's not a casual family relationship?

Squitten Mon 03-Oct-11 22:14:25

Lots of replies!

Thank you for condolences - yes, they do know about the death via MIL but never mentioned it...

I have no problem with SIL's sister at all, very nice person and as I said, we invited her here before. If they had rang us up and said "SIL's sister is at a loose end this weekend, could she come along for a catch up?" we'd have said yes without a thought. I take exception to the presumption that they can just bring whoever they like here. My worry is what happens next time? Will they bring her parents, her cousins..? We wanted them to come and see their nephews (who they don't see very much) and suddenly it's about her seeing her sister over the lunch that we will have to make for them and we didn't even get asked! SIL does wind me up sometimes, certainly, but we accept that she is just different to us.

I am, however, open to the possibility that I am over-reacting

Squitten Mon 03-Oct-11 22:15:29

X-post - no, not casual at all. We rarely see them and were trying to make an effort so that our DC could see them

cat64 Mon 03-Oct-11 22:20:28

Message withdrawn

meditrina Mon 03-Oct-11 22:33:33

YANBU - guests having guests is like dogs having fleas. Hideously unwelcome, but sometimes you just have to live with it. Which might be the best course of action here, though I'd be worried in case they saw it as setting a precedent. I think you might have to sake DH to have a word with his brother to say how uncomfortable you both were with being bounced like this - it's not that X is unwelcome, but in future could they please check it's OK before making onwards arrangements.

oldsilver Mon 03-Oct-11 22:39:22

Is SIL sister attached? - have you any fit friends you could invite to keep her company thus leaving making SIL and BIL give you their undivided attention - problem solved smile

ps YANBU it would piss me off too!

staylucky Mon 03-Oct-11 22:58:19

Could it just be that you and SIL are just very different people, she's not entirely comfrtable around you and is bringing her sis as a bit of back up? The bit where you said she was huddled in a corner at a wedding sounds awfully like they were feeling awkward.

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