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AIBU?

How often can someone go to the pub normally?

40 replies

ButterAndPie · 03/10/2011 21:15

I mean a parent, not a normal person.

If the other parent is at home and doesn't work, and the working parent gets up and shares school getting ready and school run, then starts work in the afternoon until 7pm. How many times a week would it be ok to "nip for a pint" with the people from work after work?

How long does "nipping for a pint" take? Is the at home parent allowed to ask where the working parent is, or is that nagging? Is working in a shop stressful enough to use the "well, what do you think working mens clubs are for? The miners all did it" excuse?

When the working parent gets home after two or three hours of pub, are they allowed to moan that, after feeding, washing and putting to bed two under fives, the home parent went on mumsnet and twitter, instead of immediately putting the days clothes in the washing machine? How about if the kids only actually went to sleep at 9pm?

Do Geordies have the ability to turn any conversation to miners, coal or bridges?

Etc.

Sigh.

I'm not overly annoyed with him, tbh I would have probably been sat on the computer anyway, but it is just so...disheartening. I miss being able to just nip for a pint with friends so much, but I can't work for health reasons, and most of the friends I do have around here have kids themselves. So I couldn't really do what he does anyway, but... I don't even know why I am annoyed...

OP posts:

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squeakytoy · 03/10/2011 21:34

Take the kids, and go meet him at the pub. They are smoke free now, so no reason not to take them in.

troisgarcons · 03/10/2011 21:35

I mean a parent, not a normal person

parents arent normal?.

ButterAndPie · 03/10/2011 21:35

At what point would the good people of mumsnet start thinking it wasn't on?

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ButterAndPie · 03/10/2011 21:36

As in, a normal person who can just swan off to the pub. I remember the days of "nipping for a pint", pre kids...

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cjbartlett · 03/10/2011 21:37

Get a babysitter and both go to the pub
If he's going every night that's not fair
Once a week is fair I reckon
He should be coming home and seeing the kids and helping put them to bed

Awomancalledhorse · 03/10/2011 21:39

Depends on the job, some occupations call for being social many times a week (thinking of the City fiscal style jobs), other jobs (emergencey services for example) have a culture of drinking.

Also depends on how often the SAHP gets a night off & if they can afford for one of them to be drinking in the pub often!

Pandygirl · 03/10/2011 21:41

I think anything more than a couple of times a week would require an explanation, I doubt many people could get away with more than that if they had a partner at home, and if he's off with single people are you concerned about what's happening?

ButterAndPie · 03/10/2011 21:41

The kids are in bed by the time he gets back, even if he comes straight back. We do get a babysitter about once a week, so it's not like we never go out, but about three or four other nights he will go to the pub for at least one pint. It's not even like he gets very drunk (he does sometimes, but mostly he doesn't) it's just the fact that he is out there, talking to people, and I am here with the kids asleep and the internet. If he was working, it would be fine, but it is so annoying when he comes back laughing about the funny conversation or whatever.

Although I think it is worse when he says he has just been stood there, staring at his pint. We have glasses here, he could pour a beer into that and stare at it here, and keep me company at the same time, and then maybe if I needed to nip to the shop or have a bath I could, instead of sitting here waiting for children to wake up, trying to ignore the huge pile of ironing, like when I used to work nights in a care home.

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ButterAndPie · 03/10/2011 21:49

He works in a supermarket, stacking the shelves. If anything, my "career" needs me to go out, as I am getting involved in politics, but can't get very involved, as every time I book to do canvassing or something, he takes on overtime. I know he has to work, but it means I can't make any plans. If I want to go to a party fundraiser or something he books it off work, and gets his parents to babysit so he can come with me, even though he isn't a party member and won't join.

I am really shy these days tbh, so I probably wouldn't really go out by myself unless I knew people, but, I would be able to get to know the party people if he let me do canvassing or something...gah...

He doesn't even tell me. He texted at 7 to ask if I wanted anything from the shop on the way home, and I texted him at 9 to see where he was (it takes an hour to get home) and it was "oh, sorry, in the pub next to work with the lads. Will set off soon."

Why am I annoyed? I don't even know. It is annoying though, yeah? Am I being overbearing?

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cjbartlett · 03/10/2011 21:52

I think the whole thing sounds a bit depressing tbh

Are you getting much out of the relationship? Is he good with the kids when he's there? Do you do family stuff at weekends?

squeakytoy · 03/10/2011 21:52

I am a bit confused here... you say you cant work for health reasons, but you would be able to go canvassing ??

squeakytoy · 03/10/2011 21:53

And why can you not ask his parents to babysit when you want to go out?

solidgoldbrass · 03/10/2011 21:59

No matter whether one or both parents is working, both parents should have the same amount of leisure time every week. That's time to spend doing what you like, where you like, without having to fit in chores/look after DC. It sounds as though this man is taking all the family leisure time for himself, because he is the one with the penis. Insist that at least one night a week, he looks after the DC and you go to the pub with friends, or to the cinema, or for a walk or whatever.

onepieceofcremeegg · 03/10/2011 22:01

I work shifts and in a job that people traditionally might go for one or two drinks after work most evenings. (and more on pay day!) However this was when I was "normal" - now I am a parent.

Dh also liked to go to the pub fairly regularly, say 4-5 times a week, especially at the weekends. Like me, he is now a parent.

Anyway, what suits us is that we are too knackered to go out more than once (or at the most twice) a week, either together, or with colleagues/friends.

In our case dh is an equal partner in terms of sorting the bedtime routine, while he does this I am either out at work or making our dinner/clearing up from an earlier family dinner.

For lots of reasons we now don't go out 4 or 5 nights a week. Some of these reasons: financial restrictions; lack of babysitters, tiredness, and perhaps the biggest reason is our priority is to spend more evenings in the week with each other/the children than we spend out socialising.

Personally I feel that there is a lack of equality/respect in a relationship if one partner feels they have a right to be out almost every night.

ButterAndPie · 03/10/2011 22:02

Yeah, he is brill when he is here. More than brill - he does loads of housework, is going into school to hear kids reading, etc.

My health is really variable, which is another thing - sometimes my health might be bad and he would need to be home to help me. Again, we just have to live with it if he is working, but if he is in a pub an hour away, it's not good. Being alone too much is rubbish for my health anyway, and I get told off by professionals for too much online time, but I'm hardly going to sit with no outside contact.

By canvassing, I mean phone canvassing, sorry, should have said. It isn't something I could do every week, hence why I don't just jump up and go if he gets home on time - I would have to prepare myself, sleep in the day, etc.

If I got his parents to babysit every time he went out, the kids would live there. It's not even like I want to go out, I just don't want to be sat alone and trapped in the house for no reason. This is why he thinks IABU - if I don't want to go out, why shouldn't he? He brings shopping home, so why would I need to leave the house?

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ButterAndPie · 03/10/2011 22:07

He still isn't home btw. AIBU to be annoyed here? I'm getting mixed messages. Maybe I am overbearing.

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squeakytoy · 03/10/2011 22:08

I am assuming he only works part time, if he starts in the afternoon and is finished by 7, and as you dont work, how the heck can he afford to spend 2 or 3 hours in the pub each night...

Are you able to go out and get your own shopping during the daytime?

What I meant with the babysitting was, if you want to do something, and he is working overtime, then ask his parents. Dont let it stop you from going out.

ButterAndPie · 03/10/2011 22:09

Oh, and, because I don't work, I don't really have drinking buddies. My friends are all from breastfeeding club or wherever, and so not likely to be able to do a nipping out for a pint thing. The only one I could really do that with without a two hour trip lives five miles away anyway.

I don't even know what the solution is that I want.

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ButterAndPie · 03/10/2011 22:13

squeaky - I have no idea. He has £30 "pocket money" each week out of his wages that isn't needed for bills. He smokes as well, so God knows how he does it. He does tend to win if he goes on a quiz machine, but that can only be £5 or so a night and can't be relied on.

I can go out in the day, but I have two half days with no child or husband over the week, so I usually use them to study or iron so I can internet in the evenings.

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Faffalina · 03/10/2011 22:25

You're no being unreasonable or overbearing!

I'd be livid if OH didnt even tell me he was going to the pub. Can you imagine the other way round? If he woke on a Sunday and you had gone drinking, leaving him with the kids?

Faffalina · 03/10/2011 22:25

Sorry, NOT BU

manicbmc · 03/10/2011 22:29

My ex used to go to the pub every day of the week, sometimes twice in a day. But he's an alcoholic and that's why he's the ex.

Your dp going every day after work is excessive. What about spending some time with his family?

And he's also a Geordie

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FabbyChic · 03/10/2011 22:34

Id not be with someone who regularly drank whether it was at the pub or at home.

I see no reason to bring alcohol into ones life on a regular basis, once a week is fine, maybe even twice, but sometimes people should be able to go a few weeks without needing a drink, it becomes a crutch.

UniS · 03/10/2011 22:37

Can you do second shift at the pub some times? maybe with a planned meet up with a friend?
DH and I do shifts on friday night. He goes to pub first 7/ 7.30ish til 8.30/9ish then he comes home and I go up. He meets friends that drink early ( another dad, the college of that other dad, a chap he sings with etc) I meet a couple of other mums and the lady who lives a few doors down that I other wise only see in passing. Mind you I will talk to pretty well anybody and am seldom at a loss for someone to talk to in that pub.

Yes geordies can turn any conversation to miners, bridges or how tough it is up north. They seem to be obsessed with all three topics. Must be a dull place to grow up :-)

manicbmc · 03/10/2011 22:40

I used to have to do the shift thing on the rare occasions I went out. I resented waiting til he rolled in before I could go out. Why should he be out every day and not be able to stay in one night a month?

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