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SAHM v Working Dad. What's the balance?

(12 Posts)
MothInMyKecks Mon 03-Oct-11 20:01:10

AIBU to be a tad pissed off here?
This academic year is the first time I've been off in years. I have 3 children, 2 at home and under 6. My MIL has come to live with us to recover and get physio following a mild stroke. I love having her with us - it is a little more work, but she's so worth it.
I clock watch all day. School runs for eldest, school run for youngest (afternoon sessions) and the last school run pick up. It's about a 40 minute round trip (which includes the walk upto school and the fucking infuriating banal Mums chatter which I hastily try and avoid, so by the time I reach home, I have little time to get usual chores done. Today I cleaned the car, inside and out, cleaned the patio, cleaned the front porch. Washed MIL's bedding, on top of all the usual stuff.
DH came back from work at 6.45, sat down immediately to his dinner. I've put the little one's to bed after bathing them and heard DH come upstairs to change out of his suit. He's now infront of the tv watching bloody Coronation Street. I've just walked in and out of the kitchen having seen that it's still messy from dinner time. I'll do it, I'll HAVE to do it. Why am I starting to feel like a bit of a mug? Why do I feel that I cannot raise this with him because I know the retort will be "...but you're not working now."
Maybe IBU, I don't know. Feel free to tell me please grin
Since I've never really done the SAHM before (returned to work after long school hols so technically, they were my MAT leave) I don't know what the score is!

OchAyeTheNooPal Mon 03-Oct-11 20:07:47

The score is not to make yourself a martyr (sp?) and tell DH if you need him to do more domestic stuff. You don't need to over compensate because you don't go out to work.

Oggy Mon 03-Oct-11 20:11:27

It's a very difficult balance ib my experience!

My frustration as a SAHM was always that husband got to do his 8.30 until 6.00 day and then when he got home that was it, all relaxation, working day over whereas as a SAHM with all the household chores mine it never ended so I never had that "working day over, nothing left to do" time because there was always something elose to do.

However at the same time I recognised that his job was going out to earn and my job was the household and kid stuff so that came with the territory.

It is very difficult to avoid the whole "who works harder" arguments even with all the best will in the world.

If you can afford it I would be tempted to suggest throwing money at the problem and get a cleaner to do some of the domestic chores to take some of the pressure off - if that would help?

Tee2072 Mon 03-Oct-11 20:12:29

You are working now. Including looking after his mum. In fact, you're probably working harder than ever.

Tell him that.

Oggy Mon 03-Oct-11 20:13:10

And to add, there is no right or wrong way of sharing the domestic duties as long as you both agree to it and both of you stick to it.

Almostfifty Mon 03-Oct-11 20:15:02

Once he's home, he helps, end of. Why should you do it all? My husband used to love doing bathtime.

We used to put the children to bed together, then clear the rest of the kitchen up. Then stop for the night and spend the evening together.

ladyintheradiator Mon 03-Oct-11 20:16:10

It sounds like he has no clue what you do do - spell it out and tell him to get off his arse and clear up.

LeQueen Mon 03-Oct-11 20:22:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MothInMyKecks Mon 03-Oct-11 20:29:30

Thank you thank you thank you. I was preparing myself for a bit of a kick up the rear from you all if I'm honest. That said, knowing I'm justified in feeling like a bit of a mug is one thing, doing something about it is quite another. I can almost predict the conversation [sigh emoticon]

I've cleaned up the kitchen in the time since I posted, and he's still sat on his backside, watching Sky Sports whilst his poor Mum is sat in there with him looking a bit bemused. <note to self - buy another bloody TV using his credit card.

Oh, and he's bathed the children about 5 times in their whole lives. biscuit

MothInMyKecks Mon 03-Oct-11 20:33:23

LeQueen, perhaps that's it. I'm really rubbish at managing my time as a SAHM. I think it's because I have so little of it, in between helping my lovely MIL and the school runs. Getting to grips with the chores is squeezed between such little time slots. I've not sat down all day except to eat dinner with DC and MIL, and whinging on MN!

Soups Mon 03-Oct-11 20:41:58

It can be a hard balance. My view was that I'd do most of the housework and organizing whilst he was at work. Once home then we both looked after the kids and cleared up after meals. My kids go to school all day and come home exhausted but I don't expect to pick up all their plates, socks, toys. In the same way I expected my husband to clear up the mess after he ate and pick up his mail. I did need to frequently kick his arse, because it wasn't his main job, half the time he wouldn't think about what needed to be done. I had many a conversation "Do you want to bath the kids whilst I do the dishes? Or the other way round."

CocktailQueen Mon 03-Oct-11 20:44:48

You both work during the day - you as a SAHM, AND looking after HIS mum! - and he at his job. In the evening if there are jobs to be done, YOU SHARE THEM. That helps to stop resentment etc creeping in. You'll probbaly have to remind him several times because he has it easy at the moment but it's worth doing. It's not fair that you're still working in the evening and weekends while he doesn't.

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