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to be so disillusioned with dh?

(67 Posts)
bushymcbush Mon 03-Oct-11 19:01:55

I got my saliva testing kit through the post to join the Anthony Nolan bone marrow register. I was reading through the stuff and commented to dh that he could join too. He dismissed the idea totally. He said that he has a donor card so they can take what they want when he's dead but he wouldn't be donating bone marrow or even looking at the website. He said it's harder than giving blood (which he has done once in his life hmm). I asked him how he knew - he said he doesn't know but he imagines it's harder. Still refused to even look at the website.

So he changes the conversation to tell me about the bloke that came over to fix the dishwasher. Apparently said bloke told dh about a website where you can buy and sell shares without risking losing any money. Dh enthused about this idea for a while and finished up by saying he really wants to check it out.

I made my excuses, went upstairs and cried.

Do I not know my dh at all? Are we really occupants of such totally opposite planets?

Sorry - I do know this isn't exactly soap opera stuff but I really feel devastated to be confronted with yet more evidence of what I see as his small minded selfish materialism and I hate it.

Am I being ridiculously hormonal? (12 wks preg)

warthog Mon 03-Oct-11 19:06:02

it is harder than giving blood. and riskier. and more time consuming. it's a big undertaking.

but i think it's really great that you're applying.

worraliberty Mon 03-Oct-11 19:06:10


Good on you for doing your own thing...but please remember it's your own thing you're doing.

I think I would have changed the subject too, to avoid an argument.

BeerTricksPotter Mon 03-Oct-11 19:14:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bushymcbush Mon 03-Oct-11 19:14:19

I know it is harder than giving blood. But he wouldn't even look at the website.

I know lots of people don't do this. But I wish my DH was more like me in this respect. I wish he actually cared about something important. All he cares about in the wider world is conspiracy theories. In fact, his first comment about the saliva kit was that 'they' would have my dna on file forever and be able to do what 'they' like with it!

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Mon 03-Oct-11 19:16:48

I assume this is part of something bigger

BeerTricksPotter Mon 03-Oct-11 19:17:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePosieParker Mon 03-Oct-11 19:18:51

It's very personal and not your decision to make or pressurize someone else into doing.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn Mon 03-Oct-11 19:19:14

Divorce him.
Or not, is it really that much of an issue? that he won't sign up to possibly undergo a painful invasive surgical procedure that could help a total stranger one day? How much does this bother you, on a scale of mildly disappointed to packing bags? And he's right about your dna btw - well, it will remain on file, in their database, and it is valuable data, there is no guarantee that it won't one day be sold on to anyone with the money to pay - not saying it IS or the Nolan Trust are in anyway dodgy, but it WILL be stored and you cannot foresee where it will end up.

slavetofilofax Mon 03-Oct-11 19:20:13


But I'd guess that this isn't really about donating bone marrow.

Do you actually like your husband?

Kayano Mon 03-Oct-11 19:20:37


I have a donor card but gave fears and phobias of needles and have had treatment for it. I think I have got a donor card which is good, but my phobia won't let me donate and the thought of it makes me ill and shake and cry

If someone tried to MAKE me or started to cry because I wouldn't do it I would tell them where to go sorry. If the issue was pushed further I would .... God even knows but I think YABVU

bushymcbush Mon 03-Oct-11 19:20:46

I'm not going to pressure him to do this. I agree that it's personal.

I'm upset that he wouldn't even look at the website. He knows nothing about it.

troisgarcons Mon 03-Oct-11 19:21:08

How would you be able to donate whilst pregnant? I dont think you can.

And, god forbid, like me, you need a blood transfusion - that would preclude you from giving blood in the future too

Sometimes you just have to sit back and realise not everyone is passionate about your causes. I think it's a lovely thing you want to do but not everyone would share your values. Some peopel are just plain squeemish.

mynewpassion Mon 03-Oct-11 19:22:08

Are you for real?

He doesn't want to be a bone marrow donor when he's alive but he's willing to donate his organs/body when he dies. His body, his choice.

This is a personal choice and he's made it. You should respect him and not give him grief about it. Just as he should respect your choice for being a bone marrow donor.

If you can't respect him for his choices, then maybe you shouldn't be together.

catgirl1976 Mon 03-Oct-11 19:23:25

YABU. He has a donor card, he has given blood. He does not want to donate bone marrow. That is up to him - its great you are dong it but you can't force other people to do it. It is a much bigger undertaking than giving blood. He changed the subject to avoid arguing with you. You are either hormonal or this is a symptom of something bigger and you are generally unhappy with him and looking for reasons to be angry. Either way - take a step back.

worraliberty Mon 03-Oct-11 19:23:42

But why are you upset he wouldn't look at the website?

Be honest with yourself. Is it because he won't look into donating or is it because you want him to understand what a wonderful thing you are doing?

toptramp Mon 03-Oct-11 19:24:13

YABU. You are very altruistic and that is great but just because he dosn't want a painful op to remove his bone marrow does not mean that he is selfish and materialistic. It does mean that you have issues with your dh though.

ENormaSnob Mon 03-Oct-11 19:24:13


Primafacie Mon 03-Oct-11 19:24:33

I'd be more disheartened (and worried) that he believes he can invest in equities without taking risks, especially if he has no relevant background in investment/finance. shock Which he clearly doesn't have to believe that tosh.

The conspiracy theories would really grate me too. So, YANBU. sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 03-Oct-11 19:24:39

Why should he do what YOU want him to do? There would be an outcry here if he were trying to force you in the same way that you are him. Stop it. There's nothing more annoying than having somebody preaching at you just because they're evangelical about something... they're very boring too.

He knows where the website is, if he wants to check it out, he can. Leave him alone.

Kayano Mon 03-Oct-11 19:25:37

Also... I wouldn't look at the website. At all

And I would feel aggrieved that it was being pushed at me and you cried when I didn't...

I would respect you for doing it, but no way would I do it myself

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 03-Oct-11 19:25:39

A very good point, Worra... maybe that's the crux of it.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Mon 03-Oct-11 19:26:03

I presume you won't be able to donate for a good while yet, but it is a lovely thing to do.

I can't give blood or bone marrow because I had a transfusion after DS2s birth

diddl Mon 03-Oct-11 19:27:28

I think that it would be a thing that I could only consider for a family member tbh and I imagine quite a few people feel that way about this procedure tbh.

So I think that YABU.

slavetofilofax Mon 03-Oct-11 19:29:02

He doesn't need to know anything about it because he's not interested.

You are not in control of him, so you need to respect that if it's not his thing, it's not his thing.

I'd do it but I don't think DH would, he's a wuss about stuff like that. It doesn't mean that he isn't a lovely, generous, thoughtful, kind, considerate lovely man. He is all of those things. But he wouldn't need to look at a website to know that he didn't want to have an invasive medical procedure if he didn't have to.

Does your dh have qualities you do like.

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