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To not invite MIL's fiance to our wedding

(44 Posts)
hurricanewyn Mon 03-Oct-11 18:27:31

Me and OH are getting married in 3 weeks time.

We were originally going to have a big wedding, but decided due to a whole host of reasons to scale it right back down. Now, we're having a teeny tiny wedding with just our mothers, our two children and my siblings. OH is an only child, so obviously won't have siblings there.

My mum wasn't too happy about this decision. I think she wanted her day as Mother of the Bride, as well as pointing out how disappointed my aunts and uncles will be at not going. I did/do feel a bit guilty about this, but decided that this is our day and we should be happy with how it is.

The wedding will be in Dublin, as both our families live in Ireland, so it made sense to us to have it there.

Anyhoo, OH was on the phone to his mum the other day when she told him that she has gotten engaged. We've never heard anything about this chap before, and have certainly never met him. OH says she was angling for an invite to the wedding for him, but he didn't take the bait as he wanted to speak to me first.

AIBU to think that, with the size of our wedding party, it wouldn't be appropriate to invite her fiance. We've never met him and he will be a stranger to everyone apart from OH's mum. I don't particularly want him there, I think there will be loads of time afterwards to meet him and get to know him. I especially think if we're not having close family and friends there shouldn't be an invite for MIL's fiance. My mum would love to have her sisters there at least and my siblings would love to have their OH's.

OH would like to invite him, but mostly just to keep his mum happy. Should I do it?

SecretNutellaFix Mon 03-Oct-11 18:30:06

Have either of you actually met this man? If not, no way!

hurricanewyn Mon 03-Oct-11 18:31:37

Neither of us have met him. The first OH heard of him was when she told him she was engaged

SecretNutellaFix Mon 03-Oct-11 18:32:14

then not a chance, imo anyway.

squeakytoy Mon 03-Oct-11 18:33:28

Seeing as YOUR siblings are going, and he has no siblings... is there going to be anyone else at all who his mum actually knows? If not, then I would at least let her bring someone with her. For the sake of one day, it is not worth building up a long period of resentment that could affect your future relationship with your MIL.

troisgarcons Mon 03-Oct-11 18:33:35

Have both your fathers passed away?

I'd meet him first then decide whether to invite him. It is a teeny bit rude. Although I was reading (I have no idea why!) an ettiquette guide to weddings and it isn't always appropriate to invite pboth parties of a married couple so I suppose that would include fiance/es too.

You aren't inviting your siblings partners? oh! Wow! that is a streamlined wedding.

In that case, no, dont be guilt-tripped into inviting him.

Uglymush Mon 03-Oct-11 18:33:43

A few years ago our friends got married in August, the grooms mother got married in the January. They were having a small (ish) wedding, they didn't know the guy so they didn't invite him. At the end of the day this guy is currently a stranger to you, he MAY become family but he isn't family yet. Also you have no other partners there, so I would say YANBU

cerealqueen Mon 03-Oct-11 18:33:57

YANBU, don't invite him, you've not even met him, doesn't matter who he is. I think MIL has got a bit of a cheek to even think of it.

Euphemia Mon 03-Oct-11 18:34:30

YANBU - your lovely idea of a small, intimate wedding attended by the most special people in your world is turned on its head by the presence of some total stranger!

You've stuck to your guns so far - don't weaken now.

Sparkletastic Mon 03-Oct-11 18:36:48

Do you think your wedding might be just a bit too intimate if people can't even have their partners? It would be a great chance to get to know him if you invite your male relatives too.

Primafacie Mon 03-Oct-11 18:38:28

YABU. Unless it would break the bank, of course you should invite him. He is obviously important to your MIL. Kindness to her and etiquette dictate he should be invited. Why would you not want to keep your MIL happy? Also since your siblings will be attending, inviting him would balance the wedding party somewhat.

heleninahandcart Mon 03-Oct-11 18:38:37

Are you sure he really is her fiance? It seems a little bit odd that you are getting married, have set the plans and now she has a fiance in tow hmm If he was simply her bf no way would he be invited. Still wouldn't invite him anyway as he is hardly first of the list is he.

Euphemia Mon 03-Oct-11 18:41:00

When we got married it was second time for me, so we had parents and a witness each. grin If anyone had anything to say, they knew better than to say it to my face.

It's your day, you have it just the way you want.

AnnetteProfit Mon 03-Oct-11 18:41:18

its none of your business

arf

hurricanewyn Mon 03-Oct-11 18:44:33

Our mums are quite close, so she won't be stuck alone with no one to speak to.

Meeting him first isn't an option, to be honest. We're arriving in Dublin at 6 the evening before the wedding and I'm going to my mums and OH and MIL will be staying in a hotel that night. I was in Ireland for 6 weeks over the summer, which would have been the perfect opportunity. OH was even over for 2 weeks with us, so he could have met him too, but we weren't told a word about him.

Our fathers haven't both passed away. OH's dad walked out when he was a baby and mine when I was a child. I lost contact with my dad when I was a teenager and OH never had any contact with his.

As for not inviting siblings partners, both my brother and sister live at home and not with their partners.

I just felt, if I wasn't inviting my two best friends or extended family then I shouldn't invite partners. OH agreed with this until it was his mum.

But I can see why IMBU, especially as she is essentially on her own....

Hmmmm

pigletmania Mon 03-Oct-11 18:46:21

YABabitU. If you don't know him, why don't you meet him prior to the wedding. As he is your MIL fiance he should really be invited as her plus 1 tbh

slavetofilofax Mon 03-Oct-11 18:46:54

If your df wants to invite him then I think you should invite him. It's only fair because you have siblings going, so your Mum has someone else for her, but your Mil might like that too.

I do think it depends on whether your DF wants to invite him because he thinks it will be nice for his Mum, or if he's doing it because she will give him grief otherwise. If your DF wants to invite him just as a nice thing to do and not because of any pressure, then you should let im.

LineRunner Mon 03-Oct-11 18:50:50

Gawd, he'll be in loads of the wedding photos and then they'll break up and everyone forever will say, 'Who's that bloke....?'

hurricanewyn Mon 03-Oct-11 18:53:20

Gawd, he'll be in loads of the wedding photos and then they'll break up and everyone forever will say, 'Who's that bloke....?'

I'm a bit worried about this as well, as bitchy as it seems. She split from her third husband 6 years ago and this is the second engagement since then.

I'm being a cow, aren't I?

slavetofilofax Mon 03-Oct-11 18:54:24

If you aren't having a photographer, he could be the perfect person to take the family pictures!

troisgarcons Mon 03-Oct-11 18:56:56

Well, your wedding, your rules.

you've kept it small and intimate so far - don't buckle now .

Mind you reading your OP again ....*OH says she was angling for an invite to the wedding for him* .... at least she didnt ask out right - so no offence can be given!

Flowerista Mon 03-Oct-11 18:58:38

I'd invite him. I like an easy life and this is one of those times where a bit of compromise pays huge dividends. I like the sound of your rackety multi betrothed MIL.

WaitingForMe Mon 03-Oct-11 19:00:11

We haven't invited my Grandad's skanky girlfriend who everyone dislikes. Ours is a parents, siblings and Grandparents only do and frankly I don't want a tangoed gobby bint getting in the way of my chic event.

There, you're lovely compared to me!

eaglewings Mon 03-Oct-11 19:01:11

Initially I thought it was mean after all the threads on here with people saying my OH/kids etc have not been invited to close family wedding.

But on reading the whole post it is totally different, you have never met this man and only just discovered he exsits so

YANBU

hurricanewyn Mon 03-Oct-11 19:01:39

I like the sound of your rackety multi betrothed MIL.

She is lovely. I've made her sound like Liz Taylor, but I think she's just been unlucky.

Still not sure if I want a stranger there though. I'll have a chat with OH about it tonight, properly, and then come to a decision I think. It's not just my wedding, so I can't make all the rules

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