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To stop my dad and his wife from seeing DD?

(117 Posts)
TheRealMrsHannigan Mon 03-Oct-11 15:33:13

Long story short, about a month ago there was a spectacular falling out, as a result my DH and I no longer speak to my dad and his wife.

Things were said, hurtful things were done and we haven't seen them since.

Now, my DSis has asked if she can take DD over to visit them in a few weeks.

I have said no, on the grounds that DH, DD and I come as a package, they cannot pick and choose who they wish to include in their family. I also think things would be said about my DH and I in earshot of DD, and I do not want her around people who may well bad mouth her parents.

So, am I being unreasonable by denying her a relationship with them?

To complicate things further, they have a DS and DD (3 years and 10 weeks old), I have said DSis is welcome to meet me at a soft play or other neutral ground with them so DD can still see them. (This may well seem hypocritical, BUT it was my Dad's wife basically calling me a liar over a big issue and my dad sided with her that caused the falling out).

I hope I have made sense, it is very complicated! I just dont see why they feel they should still see my DD, when I have been called a liar, troublemaker etc and DH slagged off to the moon and back.

mumsamilitant Mon 03-Oct-11 15:36:44

Yes you are being unreasonable. Kids deserve to have a relationship with their grandparent no matter what is going on with you. Don't use your DD as a weapon.

ElizabethDarcy Mon 03-Oct-11 15:37:29

YANBU. As you say, you come as a package.

worraliberty Mon 03-Oct-11 15:38:19

YABU

You said..... as a result my DH and I no longer speak to my dad and his wife

To stop your children seeing them because you've fallen out with your Stepmum and your Dad sided with her is petty imo.

Lots of families fall out, especially when step parents are brought into the equation.

I'm sure your DD won't thank you if she ends up not seeing her Grandparents until she's old enough to go and visit them herself.

And how would you feel if anything happened to your Dad in the meantime?

BlueKangaroo22 Mon 03-Oct-11 15:38:36

Yanbu, its all or none. in this case none so so be it!

Crosshair Mon 03-Oct-11 15:40:46

What does Dsis think about it all? Anyway to make up or come to some sort of compromise?

Maryz Mon 03-Oct-11 15:40:56

In my opinion (and you can tell me to fuck off if you like), you need to look at these types of family scraps/rows very carefully.

Basically, are your dad and his wife, in general nice people. Are you likely to make it up with them at some point? Are they the kind of people who having a relationship with is going to cause you continued hurt? Does your dd have a relationship with them atm that she will miss. Are there other family members you will also not see if you stop seeing them.

Having thought about it, then make a decision. If you are absolutely sure that they aren't the type of people you want to see or deal with, if you don't intend to ever get over it, if you don't think that in the future you will feel a bit silly for having this row, then fair enough, put them out of your life and your mind.

But if you think that in a couple of weeks/months/years you may have all put this behind you, or if basically they are a positive in your dd's life, or if falling out will negatively affect yours or your dd's life, then the sooner you sort it out the better and using your dd as a lever or a bargaining point isn't such a good idea.

Because it will be difficult to explain to her in a few years time if you stop her seeing them now, but then sort it out.

Vallhala Mon 03-Oct-11 15:49:35

YANBU. These are your children, no-one else's. If you don't want them in th company of people who accuse you of being a liar and who are likely to badmouth you to or in front of your daughter then that's perfectly reasonable.

It's all very well folk saying that the DC have a right to see this person or that the GP have a right to see the DC but you are the adults, you make the decisions and you have to deal with the fallout if seeing the GP ends badly.

TheRealMrsHannigan Mon 03-Oct-11 15:50:56

It's a very difficult situation, and I admit I am still in the 'licking my wounds and feeling angry' stage, but I cannot see it ever being sorted out.

The falling out happened on my wedding day, which just pours salt in the wound, my dad and his wife snubbed my wedding reception after a row on the morning of the wedding (she full on screamed and shouted in my face as I was getting ready for my wedding), didn't tell me they werent coming, just disappeared. Not spoken since as I was fuming.

Both parties feel aggrieved, I do feel awful for my siblings as they feel caught in the middle, but I have at no point asked them to 'choose sides' as I appreciate how selfish that would be. The DSis in question can see both points of view and is constantly trying to guilt trip me into ringing my Dad (I think she is doing the same to him) but we are very alike and at loggerheads I cannot see a way round it.

I will forever be very hurt that my wedding day was essentially ruined by them over an issue I feel I should have had my dad's support on.

Prior to the row, they saw DD about once a month on average, IMO she will not necessarily 'miss out' by them being absence, DH and I have a large extended family and friends, but of course if things were all rosy they would be a bonus to her life (best way I can summise it).

I do feel torn, my parents divorced and I was used as a bargaining chip by my mum. I have no intention of doing the same to DD, but feel that no contact would be a 'cleaner break' than seeing them very occasionally with her auntie and it soon dawning on her that Mummy and Daddy never come along. (DD is almost 3 btw).

Hullygully Mon 03-Oct-11 15:51:17

I need details of the row.

Quintessentialist Mon 03-Oct-11 15:54:37

What on earth was she thinking?
Why did they have to row with you on your wedding day? Did they think you were a bridezilla?

Quintessentialist Mon 03-Oct-11 15:54:54

Yeah, what Hully said.

worraliberty Mon 03-Oct-11 15:55:13

Lots of children see their Grandparents very occasionally

And I'm sure they'll be a bonus to her life whether you're speaking to them or not.

The saddest part about this is if you drive a wedge between your DD and her grandparents, you will probably end up hardly ever seeing your 3 year old brother and 10 week old Sister.

That could have an effect forever and your DD may never get to know her Aunt and Uncle.

Itsjustafleshwound Mon 03-Oct-11 15:56:05

As long as your daughter is not going to be in any physical or emotional harm I don't quite see the reason why you would deny your dad access to your child.

YOU have the problem with your dad and his wife, don't deny your DD a chance to get to have a relationship with her grandfather. Often dads make better grandparents than parents.

PhilipJFry Mon 03-Oct-11 16:01:08

What an absolutely foul thing for your stepmother to have done. If you sincerely believe that things would be said about you and your husband in front of your daughter then I wouldn't blame you for keeping her away. That would be terribly confusing and upsetting for a young child. Obviously you can't know for certain that that would happen, but since your father's wife was willing to scream in your face (!) on your wedding day it wouldn't surprise me.

Hullygully Mon 03-Oct-11 16:02:44

We need to know WHY.

<gavel>

We can't judge properly. Our wigs are lopsided.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin Mon 03-Oct-11 16:06:21

For the time being I would keep her away. If she only usually sees him once a month it's not going to have too much impact on her in the short term. And such a big argument - and not attending your wedding - is something that can't be ignored. I'd be worried that she'll be dragged into things/overhear negative things about you if she visited their home.

shock that you have a 10 week old half sister. I am so glad my parents stayed together.

I'm going to go against the flow and say YANBU.

Nobody is owed a relationship with your child. If people treat you like shit then the price they pay for that is losing the relationship with your family.

If your neighbour screamed in your face and ruined your wedding day, etc and then said she wanted to spend time with your child because your child used to go over to her house once a month and drink lemonade, nobody would think it unreasonable to say no way.

I don't see that an accident of birth (and marriage) changes that. If someone shows you a total lack of respect, courtesy and kindness - why the holy hell would you hand over your bloody CHILD to them?

metalelephant Mon 03-Oct-11 16:09:34

YANBU.

Your dad's wife sounds nasty, I don't see why you would want to entrust your DD to her care. Grandparents do not have an automatic right to a relationship with their grandchildren, not if they have messed up with their children.

If they were to apologise to you, and if you accepted that apology then you could let them build a relationship again. But if my dad's wife had shouted at me and called me a liar, then I would expect my dad to stick up for me and wouldn't accept the crap they are giving you.

Ofcourse you're hurt by it, and they don't sound fair, so why should they risk messing up your DD too?

Maybe you could have a private chat with your dad, explain your feelings and see if anything can be done; but no way should you have to let them see DD on her own without you. I'm sorry for what you went through, you must feel really hurt and let down by your dad.

ihatecbeebies Mon 03-Oct-11 16:10:20

You are not being unreasonable at all, if you dont think it's best for your DD to be there listening to sly negative comments about her parents or she'll be too confused then you are completely in your right to say no.

TheRealMrsHannigan Mon 03-Oct-11 16:11:05

Ok, in brief (because I'd be here all day otherwise):

Stepmum's brother is an odious shit of a man (he is 32, this is relevant), I cannot stand him, he knows this full well. Whilst abroad for my Dad and SM's wedding five years back, he behaved very inappropriately towards me, I told him to fuck off on various occasions, but did not cause a scene (ironically) because I didn't want to cause a big row at their wedding and spoil it. For the five years after that (up until my wedding) I avoided him where ever possible, only said 'hello' if in company and it was unavoidable etc. I never discussed it with my Dad or his wife as after we got back in the UK I saw no point, I was quite happy to avoid/ignore hima s I didnt see much of him anyway. At their UK reception, DH told him to stay away from me, end of, no more was said on the matter.

He was NOT invited to the wedding for the aforementioned reasons.

He turned up to the venue with SM and rest of the guests on the morning of the wedding. He was told quietly and discreetly to leave as he was not welcome, then refused. He then told my Dad and SM that we had threatened to do all sorts if he came to the wedding (I was actually oblivious as I was in my room gettign ready at the hotel).

So first I heard of it was My Dad and SM banging on hotel room door, then coming in and shouting the odds. I stayed calm (although shaking with rage), explained exactly what had gone on and why he was not welcome, to be scoffed at, shouted at and called a liar by SM etc etc.

That basically sums up the row. (As precisely as I can put it!)

TidyDancer Mon 03-Oct-11 16:12:06

We really do need more information to be able to make a call on this one.

In general, I would say unless GPs are toxic and entirely unsuitable, everything should be done to facilitate a relationship between them and the child(ren).

I suspect perhaps apologies need to be made on both sides of this, and the situation won't get better until someone backs down enough to make this possible.

Screaming rows on wedding days do not come out of nowhere, so something must've happened to push that.

Thumbwitch Mon 03-Oct-11 16:12:30

Wow. On your wedding day? wow. That's utterly inappropriate and so very bloody rude.

I think, given that they said bad things about your DH and called you a liar (= bad things about you) that it's currently fair enough to keep your DD away from them for now - but perhaps let things lie for a while and maybe in a few weeks/months think it through again.

After all, Christmas is coming up - would you let your DD see her Grandparents then? Would she normally? Think how far you want this to go (but in general I think YANBU).

TidyDancer Mon 03-Oct-11 16:12:37

Sorry, x-post, will read now.

Having read that, I haven't changed my mind. YANBU.

Not everyone who happens to be related to you deserves a place in your life.

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