AIBU to be a little bit pissed off with dp request that I clean up the kitchen?(23 Posts)
Me and dp both work full time,we have 18 month old dts.we share childcare equally and most of the general chores,household things etc.This works well for us,however I have worked over the entire weekend-normal for me-and dp had had by his own admission 'a weekend of fun' including visiting friends,swimming etc all those things I have no issue with at all.
My problem was last night,I washed dts bottles and put the dishwasher on,said I was going to bed,this was
11pm so I was exhausted,up at 6am for work etc.
He looked at me and asked me if I was going to clean up the kitchen now?
I said no ad I was tired,and that I hadn't actually created any of the mess left there.I was expecting to find it left for me to clean up today-my day off-which is what usually happens.
Cue a huge row,saying he never gets a break from the kids,I should help to clean up.my response was I would happily help if I had made any of the mess,but by your own admission you have had a weekend of fun,I have worked 21 hours over the weekend,why am I expected to clear up your mess?
He may have been having fun, but it was fun with 18 month old twins in tow . . . Clearly he was BU to ask you to clear up the kitchen, but I'd have been tempted to say "I'm knackered, but let's spend 5 minutes blitzing it together and see how we go". Competitive tiredness never gets anyone anywhere.
Both,and I would have had no issue with cleaning it up today really,just that he could see I was falling asleep while he pissed around on his iPad all night.I was so tired,I didn't want to clean up all the crap at 11pm.
I think I was annoyed as I never leave the kitchen for him to sort when I'm at work,and as always even though it's my day off I have to go food shopping as he 'didn't have time'
I really dint begrudge him any fun etc but it's my day off from work yet I need to clear up all the stuff he didn't do
i'm going to sit on the fence here.
if i'd been 'having fun' for a straight 48 hours with 18mo twins, i'd be pretty much as knackered as someone who was out all day - it's a different kind of exhaustion (and i've routinely worked 12 hour shifts and nights in the past).
and i know that if i've had kids home all weekend, and no help at all, my own housekeeping falls completely by the wayside. and i really appreciat help from any passing worker bee.
i've also been the worker coming home and finding the house a tip, but the kids happy, or conversely, the kids whining and causing mayhem becasue they've been ignored for the sake of the dishes/ laundry/ vaccuuming.
having 18 mo twins and a clean house is sometimes not going to be possible.
instead of picking fights over who made the mess, and who gets to clean it up, maybe just both pitch in and get it done next time.
i mean, this issue isn't going to go away overnight. i assume you are noramlly both there at the weekends to keep up with it, and the dt's are at childcare during the week, so this weekend was an out of the prdinary learning curve for both of you.
don't make a mountain out of a molehill. he looked after the kids and kept them happy and safe. and he didn't have time to clear the sides. no biggie. if the shoe had been on the other foot, you would probably have been on here saying he'd been at work all weekend and left you with the kids, and you were exhausted, and he expected the house to be clean when he got home.
sometimes you have to quite moaning and both get on with it. having small children and working is knackering, whichever duty you happen to be on at the time.
I think he had a cheek to moan.
If you was a stay at home mom, he would expect you to clean the kitchen, even though you have your chlidren full time.
Yes he would have been tired, but, he had fun, all weekend whilst you where working.
The one thing i will say is, i do ALL the household chores, and yes i am a stay at home mom, but, my husband wouldn't think once, let alone twice about starting the dishwasher xxx
We have 2 /12 yr old twins...... they are VERY hard work even if you are doing 'fun stuff.
Me and DH scrap all the time as he thinks its easy to tidy up with the kids... probeb;y why i usaully clean the kitchen in the morning while DD is getting ready for school...
Was he going to clean the kitchen with you or was he just meaning you should clean it whilst he went to bed or watched tv?
If you were going to do it in the morning I don't see what the issue is?
If he can't go to bed with the kitchen dirty and wasn't tired he could've done it. You had both worked hard, UANBU to have effectively been told to clean the kitchen.
YANBU if he was asking you to do it then and there when he could have helped out beforehand and you were knackered.
Today - I hope you had fun, didn't do the shopping and have left the kitchen for him to do instead of playing on his ipad tonight.
He should've cleaned it after the DT were in bed since you were still working.
Madwomanintheattic-no you are wrong to assume that is my situation.we both work full time,my work means I have 2days off in the week,as I said in my op it is normal for me to work weekends,that means that I understand what looking after twins means ad I do it every week on my days off,as does he.it is challenging but financially it's our only option.
This was not a one off where my poor do had to look after his children,he does it every weekend.so it is not a learning curve,I'm more than aware of the balance between being with the dts and getting chores done etc
Also when he is at work when it's my days off I certainly don't leave all the shit I've created and expect him to clear it up while I sit watching tv-this is the only issue I have got!
We do usually work well as a team I just felt it wasn't particularly fair.as I said it's usually left for me to clear in the morning-I was just exhausted last night,not trying to be competitive but I worked a 10 hour shift and I have an hour and half commute
yy, i worked 12 hour shifts with a 1. 5 hr commute, it's not a competition. (some of them nights)
sometimes you're knackered.
sometimes you aren't. if i'd been swimming with 18mo twins on my own (how is that even possible?) i'd be glazed in front of the tv and incapable of the dishes.
you are clearly a much more organised and efficient person than your dh.
well done you.
I'm a SAHM with two pre schoolers. This would be the equivalent of me having fun with the children all day, not clearing up after breakfast, lunch and tea and then telling DH to clear the kitchen up when he got in from work.
I would never do that. YANBU.
So he sits on his arse all night playing on the ipad and then expects you to clean the kitchen? YANBU
Truthfully, I'd be pissed too. You both work hard, you both know how hard each others days are and rather than resting, you're made to feel your "slacking".
I'd snap too and when dh and I are knackered we get into this kind of argument. I still don't think your been unreasonable...he got the nice busy day, you got the stupidly long weekend shift day which trumps nice day
< gavel >
Thankyou for the replies everyone-I think mostly people think I'm not being unreasonable,I really thought I wasn't but his reaction just made me question it I suppose.
To answer how is it possible to swim with 18 month old twins?he was with his best mate
This isn't about me being more organised or efficient,I'm not trying to suggest it is,so I think the well done you comment is uneccasary and neither of us were trying to compete for the hardest day.I just wanted peoples thoughts as I was made to feel like shit last night.
YANBU. I don't know what's wrong with the people who think you are being competitive - sounds more like their problem than yours since nothing in your posts suggested anything of the sort.
i don't think you're being competitive, but it's easy to get into those arguements when you are tired.
More importantly, are you friends again now?
Thanks elladee,appreciate that!
Honeydragon-he is still at work so I don't know what he will be like,probably ok!
Shoutyhamster-yes I did go shopping!I had to though,we had no food so it wasnt an option unfortunately!
Aaaah - the old "least said soonest mended approach"
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