to send my sister this text message?

[Mobly]

I take my nephew to school each morning as my sister works at a school and obviously is unable to. It's no problem to me as I'm dropping of DS1 at the pre-school anyway. We leave the house just after 8am.

The original agreement was that she drop DN off at 8am at mine. However it's been getting gradually earlier and earlier. Today she dropped him off at 7.45am.

I know it sounds like no big deal but in reality it creates extra stress in the mornings that I just don't need. I have DS2 23mths, to get ready too. DN and DS1 argue. I have a third child to get out the door, inevitably he will have taken his coat off and flung it, put his bag and lunch box down, so I;m trying to remember extra things etc. Also, if DS1 is late eating his breakfast, if DN arrives, he won't eat it at all- he gets distracted by the excitement.

So, although it sounds petty, I would just prefer it if my sis would drop DN off at 8am so we are all ready to go as they arrive.

I did mention it to her this morning and she looked at bit peed off. AIBU to have texted her this: 'They are arguing already! Please leave it till 8 so I have time to get boys ready first. It's less stress that way'.

I hope not.

[aldiwhore]

YANBU.

OR have a chat with her, if she actually really needs a 7.45am drop off at least you wil KNOW, and be able to work that into your morning routine.

[blondie80]

yanbu. you are doing her a favour.

[Pagwatch]

Yabu

Don't ever try and sort issues out through texting.
Talk to her calmly in the evening, preferably in oersonal, and explain that you need her to drop at the agreed time - that you don't wish to be picky but the early time is causing you problems.

Texting is shit for this sort of thing and wholly inappropriate

[thebeansmum]

God, definatley YANBU! She is really lucky to have you. I'm sure your text will have the desire effect, tbh, she needs you doesn't she?

[HecateGoddessOfTheNight]

If she does it in future, make her stay with her child until 8am.

She's obviously dropping off slightly earlier to get an early start herself. It is selfish of her to not consider that this is not helpful to the person who is doing her a big daily favour.

[ViviPru]

Well the OPs don it now (judging by the past tense "have texted her") so its too late to advise her not to.

Right or wrong, I'd probably have done the same OP, especially if you have an established dialogue this way and as sisters are au fait with eachothers' intonation within texting. Has she replied? Let us know what she says when she does

[blackeyedsusan]

just be too busy to open the door til 8

[Pagwatch]

The op asked if she was unreasonable. I said she was unreasonable to text and why. If it is too late to comment, I wonder why she asked the question?

But I love the idea of being au fait with ones intonation within texting.

I suspect the intonation was massively fucked off. I am remarkably au fait given that I don't know either of them

[Sleepglorioussleep]

What a nightmare! Does she appreciate your effort? I would really not like having an extra in the morning and especially if they messed up peace and quiet. She needed to know you were cross and a quiet word this evening might not have done it. I know it shouldn't matter, but what do you get out of this?

[ShoutyHamster]

YABU to text.

But only because I think that face to face you can and should be even firmer!

Perhaps - 'Look, I am fine with the school drop off, I really like doing you the favour. But I can't afford to give you extra free time to get an early start too. It massively impacts on my morning and makes the drop off the kind of favour it's a hassle to do, ok?

Make it quite clear that this extra 15 mins is another, REAL bit of babysitting/minding on top of the favour you are already doing, and that she's starting to take the piss!

[Mobly]

Sorry, I should have said 'Was I being unreasonable?' with the regards to the text. But, I mean 'am I being unreasonable?' in general.

I feel quite bad actually as I know my sister is stressed with her new job, but on the other hand I find life as a single mum of 2 young boys pretty stressful too, and anything that adds to this stress, I would ideally like to avoid.

I find talking to my sister about anything that may even hint as a criticism of her quite difficult. I don't think she takes it well at all. I don't even mean it as a criticism, I just wanted to point out that dropping DN off earlier (although it sounds petty) actually does make my mornings quite stressful. I'm not the most patient person in the morning anyway- though I do a decent job of faking it.

Sleepglorioussleep, you've hit the nail on the head with it kind of ruining the peace in the mornings, I feel I really need that hour to get the boys ready in peace before the day starts.

In terms of what I get out of it, it's not really about that, I'm happy to do my sister a favour and my DN is already in after school club so I wouldn't see him in morning club aswell if I can help out (no criticism of school club intended just that DN would rather be with me).

The actual walk to school (25 mins) is a little stressful now too but that's fine as that's what I agreed to and I know in time the boys will know what's expected of them. At the moment, DN either dawdles or runs off on occassion, but we are sorting that out.

I think sis appreciates it but is quite wrapped up in how stressed she is at the moment, to put it diplomatically.

Her reply was this: 'Mobly its 10 minutes and the traffic bad you have no right to look at me like im lieing, and I have stuff to do when I get to work, can't you say phone's broke? ive got enough to cope with at the moment and its not nice feeling thinking like dropping DN off is a burden to you'.

I didn't look at her like she was lying, I had just mentioned it was quarter to 8, and 8 is less stressful, I really tried to say it nicely, and I think my face was probably more 'I feel awkward but I'm saying anyway' face.

I really appreciate all responses, it's hard to have an objective perspective with family sometimes.

[RCToday]

She sounds rude

Don't open the door until 8

You are doing her a favour, so do it on your terms

[cookcleanerchaufferetc]

If you say it to her face then no, YANBU. Prob best not to text.

[cookcleanerchaufferetc]

Out of interest, does she pay her or buy you wine or choccies as a thank you?

[Thumbwitch]

YANBU to be pissed off. I guess it might have been better not to text but such is the way of the world these days.

IMO, it's just as rude to be that early as it is to be late.

[nomoreheels]

Her reply is awful! She definitely sounds self absorbed. Stand firm & say it's 8 am or nothing because it disrupts your routine.

[planetpotty]

How about (just an idea ) a good old fashioned compromise :)

Talk dont text they are the mother of all evil when trying to sort things like this out as they have no facial expression or tone they can be taken the wrong way especially as you sis seems a bit stressed at the mo.

Say look I know your stressed your my sis I love you and I want to help but honestly coming as early as quarter to eight buggers the morning up in our house for x,y,z reasons would you mind if we said you wouldnt drop him off before ten to eight in the mornings. So you have to get up ten mins earlier she has to come five mins later.

Just an idea in my utopian world

Good luck - really wish I had a sis around, would be a godsend :).

[PedigreeChump]

I think you sound a little unreasonable, but I do understand you are stressed getting everyone ready in the morning.

Can you think of a practical solution? For example explain that DN can come at 7.45am under the following circumstances:

1. He keeps his coat/shoes on
   
2. He holds on to his school bag and lunchbox the whole time
   
3. He sits quietly and reads his book/watches TV until you have got the other boys ready to go
   
4. He gets up and goes to the front door ready to leave as soon as you tell him to
   
   Would something like that make things less stressful?

[Mobly]

There is no payment (that wouldn't be legal anyway), she did text saying thank you the first week and that she was going to buy me something but I said not to and that I was happy to do it (at time it was 8am drop offs).

[Sleepglorioussleep]

Sounds as if your sister has let her stress get in the way of thinking about the needs of others. It happens to the best of us, but it was really unfair of her to turn something she's done (be early) into something you've done (get cross with her for it). In a calm moment now, you might consider telling her just how much difference to your morning it makes having dn, how it's not as simple as all that. Maybe that you don't mind at all doing it, but you feel it's important to stick to an eight o'clock drop off without slippage. She is (probably unintentionally) taking advantage of the fact you won't leave dn on the doorstep. A childminder, before school club or nursery would not tolerate persistent early drop offs. Come to think of it, as a teacher she should know better. I am one too and there's no way we'd accept early drop offs of children too young to look after themselves. The last ten mins before the children arrive are used for liaising with colleagues or just taking deep breaths before the busy day ahead. And you are preparing for your day too. I had a lift sharing arrangement and had to knock it on the head because dd wanted just us in the morning. She compromises on lots of stuff because we have a young baby so I let her have that one.
Upshot of all that-you're nbu. Dsis probably is. Talk it through, but remember your start to the day being calm and as pleasurable as poss is as valid as her getting to work on time. Don't be walked over, but do do a nice thing if you want to. Good luck.

[Sleepglorioussleep]

Also, from experience of this kind of thing, once you agree to 745 drop off there would be a good chance it would then become seven thirty. Eight is more than fair-don't forget who's doing whom a favour.

[Dozer]

Her reply is really annoying, I'd be fuming. If she needs an earlier drop off she should pay a childminder or use breakfast club like everyone else.

Of course having DN is a burden, what parent in their right mind would want another kid to get to school on a long walk! She is taking the piss.

Tell her face-to-face that you're happy to help, but not to the detriment of your own routine. Youndon't have to justify yourself, it's a favour not a service.