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to feel really sh1t about my lack of empathy?

(14 Posts)
heartlessmum Mon 03-Oct-11 10:42:13

my son's friend has always caused trouble for my boy.they are both9. he is rude, self-centred, attntion-seeking, plain nasty sonetimes. circs that i won't go into throw them together a lot, and sometines they have great fun together. but they are both onlies and it is am easy friendship logistically iyswim?
He will quite often come to where me and his mummy are sitting,shes my good friend and whinge about how BORED he is, how everything is boring, my boy's face just crumples when he hears this as sees it as a reflection on his company.
sometimes he acknowledges people, sometimes not - just ignores quite rudely.
i have formed an intense dislike of his behaviour and have tried to give my son strategies fir dealing with the hot/cold nature of this child. And have said that just because X comes out with these words/behaviours doesn't mean they are acceptable and i would be very dissappointed if my son startedto do anything similar.
it now turns out that X has asprgers and i am sitting here in floods of tears for being such a judgemental cow against this poor child who obviously can help these things. i feel hateful. sad

Dawndonna Mon 03-Oct-11 10:46:18

It's a difficult one. However, I have three with Aspergers and two of them wouldn't behave like that. The third is learning about appropriate behaviours, when and where we can say things like that, and yes, I'll do it publicly if necessary. My attitude is, it's a diagnosis, not an excuse.
Perhaps you could help put coping strategies into place for both children.
eg. If you're going out together, tell them both, we are doing this for x amount of time, no whining, then this for x amount of time, no whining etc.

whattodoo Mon 03-Oct-11 10:49:29

Well, I don't think you should beat yourself up about it.
Just be aware in future before making assumptions regarding people's character.
If you read back your post, it seems clear that you haven't judged the child and moved away from him. Instead you have perserved with the relationship and allowed your DS to continue the friendship, while encouraging him to understand people's different behaviours.
Now you have knowledge about the child's diagnosis, I am sure you are the sort of person who will continue the friendship and want to find ways to adapt to the child's circumstances.

heartlessmum Mon 03-Oct-11 10:53:44

Thanks forthe you know of any websites that i vould use to learn more about the condition to help with my understanding?

worraliberty Mon 03-Oct-11 10:56:29

Well you weren't to know were you?

Some kids quite simply are a pain in the arse

No need for the tears

heartlessmum Mon 03-Oct-11 11:02:05

that's helpful. thanks.

aldiwhore Mon 03-Oct-11 11:11:37

You sound like a good friend. I would continue as you are, you can't help how you feel at present, but as this is new to your good friend as well as you, you're both going to become something of experts regarding this particular child... maybe your opinion of him will change with knowledge, and time?

You can certainly be a HUGE help to your friend.

Don't kick yourself.

There's a few children I just cannot stand.

itisnearlysummer Mon 03-Oct-11 11:19:05

SN or not, you don't have to like a person just because they are a child. Not all child are likeable; not all adults are likeable; not all old people are likeable. Not all SN people are likeable; not all NT people are likeable.

You haven't been a cow, you've just reacted normally to someone who was upsetting your child. You now have an explanation for his behaviour, but you still don't have to like it or the way it makes your son feel.

You sound like a good friend so don't beat yourself up too much about it.

Mandy2003 Mon 03-Oct-11 14:17:43

Heartless I expect the National Autistic Society website would be a good starting point.

If you son has remained on speaking terms with X despite what happens sometimes, hopefully you can explain Aspergers to him in an age-appropriate way and encourage him to remain friends with X?

YouDoTheMath Mon 03-Oct-11 14:22:02

Everything itisnearlysummer said.

gigglepigg Mon 03-Oct-11 14:48:37

Some kids quite simply are a pain in the arse

always have been, always will be regardless of labels and whatnot

ShittyShoeBastard Mon 03-Oct-11 15:03:57

Oh there there. Asperger's can be very hard to understand. I'm close to someone with it and he regularly shocks me with his bluntness. I forgive him but it's not always easy. It's similar things to what you've mentioned that are the worst; when I've really make an effort for him and he throws it back in my face without even a thank you. Don't worry OP, you haven't done anything wrong. At least you have an explanation for your son now.

FetchezLaVache Mon 03-Oct-11 16:02:36

I think you've shown plenty of empathy, both in your reaction to this and the way you tried to help your son cope with him before you knew. Don't be so hard on yourself! You sound like a lovely friend.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Mon 03-Oct-11 16:06:32

As I read your OP, I wondered about Aspergers. It is hard not to find behaviours irritating or hurtful, even if you know why they happen. I don't think you'd be human if you didn't feel that way.

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