What do you expect from an 11 year old?(26 Posts)
I thought at first it looked like a long list coming up - but all of the things she is currently supposed to be doing, apart from the table, are personal jobs, i.e. looking after herself, not family jobs. Clean teeth? Take her medication? These aren't jobs, they're just life. YANBU.
I'd be adding some daily to the list. Taking a turn at washing up, washing, hoovering etc.
They are all things that can reasonably be expected; having said that, ime some children do seem to enter a state of fluff-in-the-brain around this age and need a lot of brisk, cheerful reminding about the most minor things.
She is 10. I think it's not unreasonable that you have to prompt her to do most of those things. I know I have to with my 11yo ds.
I wouldn't expect him to cook a meal for everyone else, he's just started secondary school, has loads of homework, and I feel his priority is to get his school work done. It is my job as his Mum to make his meals during the week. He is made to clar up after himself and keep his room tidy, but I don't expect to not have to prompt him sometimes. He will help with cooking at the weekends, so he learns how to do it, but I wouldn't make it his sole responsibility, that would make me feel like I was being very lazy!
My 10 1/2 year old does all of those, although not meds as she does not take any, and she gets no pocket money! Nor does she have a lap top or facebook page but that is neither here nor there. I would expect her to be able to do all that but she probably does need a little prompting. I do think the way it's presented here is quite regimented though and if it is presented in the same way at home she may resent it. My DD just does it as part of her routine,
with as I say a little prompting. It may be a bit easier for her too as she is the youngest of 4 and so has always had to muck in.
I think the problem is because most if these she should be doing everyday and not because she is being paid too. Pocket money should be kinked to household chores IMO not taking mess or having a wash.
Hoovering, dishes, dusting, cleaning etc if she has lots of homework the just dishes and putting away as uses things during the week. But a number of jobs for each day of the weekend.
Excuse all typos, a combo of iPhone and newborn sleeplessness!
Everything she is being asked to do are basic things. But tbh I would be worried about an 11 year old who won't do basic hygiene or take medication. I would be trying to find out if she is depressed, feels she isn't looked after or struggling with something. I really think there is more to this than meets the eye, and treating it just as her following rules issue,is unfair.
Do you spend time with her doing nice things? I know it may not be easy to do this with an 11 year old SD, but I think you need to build a relationship with her where you can ask her why she doesn't want to use deoderant for example. Not in a hectoring way, just a gentle I wonder why way.
If you do have a relationship already where you can talk to her about things then ask her this and ask her how school is,is anything worrying her, is she finding moving between 2 households difficult, etc.
But you need to ask it gently and only 1 or 2 questions at a time. Older children are also more likely to answer you if you ask questions while you are doing something, so they don't have to look at you e.g. while you are driving,washing dishes, etc.
Or alternatively get her dad to do this.
Also at this age, DC lying is ime often a sign of unhappiness.
And does she get to spend time with her dad without you? At this age, that may be important to her.
One of my DD refused to clean her teeth at 13. Although I didn't know it at first, it was because of something she was very unhappy about. And at 11, things that you may think are trivial can be a big deal e.g. bf refusing to talk to you or other girls bullying through name calling.
Sounds like you are a great SM. I would talk to her then about why she won't use deoderant - not in a complaining way, but a more gently I don't understand this way.
It may be her mums influence. If her mum told her not to take asthma medicine it may be because her mum is telling her things like - deoderant gives you breast cancer, washing too much is bad for the bacteria on your skin,etc. BTW I have heard people say both those things.
With the deoderant thing, i have seen emails that get sent on to people warning girls/women not to use deoderants as it will give them breast cancer. If I had read this at 11 I would have been too scared to use deoderant - it was written in a scary way, but with medical sounding "facts".
I really think a 10 year old needs a lot more supervision on line than she seems to be getting from your posts.
I also think it isn't abnormal for them to be reminded about washing etc.
Issues about keeping bedroom clean and grumbling about clearing the table are IMO normal. Annoying - but normal.
Gosh that sounds like a difficult situation. You sound like a brilliant stepmum, and I would suggest that you and your husband put parental control software on it as a matter of urgency.
I also think making her fb profile private is a really good idea.
In our circle of friends with 10 year olds, online activity is quite closely monitored by parents, so don't feel you are interfering by doing this. Also, I don't know if you are aware that under 13s aren't recommended to have their own fb pages. I also think her using her laptop in the family room, rather than her bedroom is much better for her- 10 is still very young.
Good luck with it all!
Can't remember how much pocket money I got, but to get it I had to tidy my room
shove everything under my bed and do all the dishes one day a week. If I wanted I could get an extra couple of quid by doing the hoovering or cleaning the bathrooms (because my mum hated those jobs!)
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