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to tell BIL and DSis what it was really like ?

(15 Posts)
flingmeplease Sun 02-Oct-11 23:33:17

My DN is dislfluent and seeing an SLT
It is fine my Dmum was a SLT, DDad worked in childrens health, DN mum (my DSis) is very tuned into things etc. So they are dealing with it well

I was severly disfluent as a child and do still have disfluent moments (mostly linked with fear of being disfluent)

BIL (DN dad) was talking to me about DN while we where at their's this weekend.
Now around DN I have to monitor my speed, be hype aware of how I speak etc (as everyone does but for me is perhaps harder).

BIL was taking about Linden (which is what DN is doing) and saying about 'success' rates it has (all true) and saying all about how good it is (true) and how once it is over he will have no more problems at all.
DN is 3.

I felt like sceaming! I was disfluent with an SLT DMum and I still struggled after therapy etc.

I know every child is different and DN is definatly not me

but AIBU to tell him about (for me) the horribleness of when I was around 4 onwards about being disfluent and how it continues to effect me to this day?

I don't want to - 'dash his hopes (?) - but here is a person who will occassionaly tease me about spluttering on words, having to takes pauses, stammering.

But is that just adding to their worry or giving them information that they don't need?

I did just feel like screaming though.

AIBU to tell him (and DSis - who remembers some but not obviously my feelings on such things) that for me i've never got rid of 'the scars (?)' from being a kid and speaking like that? And actually what it was like?

WorzselMummage Sun 02-Oct-11 23:38:44

What is disfluency?

flingmeplease Sun 02-Oct-11 23:43:15

I know it is wiki but for an overview.
That is properly a bit better it is from BSA.

sorry should be dysfluent not disfluent

tabulahrasa Sun 02-Oct-11 23:43:21

My DS has fairly major speech issues - which I genuinely thought at that age would be resolved.

If someone had said, well I had the same issues, lots of SALT input and actually it's not resolved and your DSs might turn out the same way and it's left me emotionally scarred...

I can't see that it would have done me any good really, I'd either have resolved to prove them wrong (to no avail, DS actually made massive progress it just won't ever be fully resolved) or it would have made ne massively depressed about the situation.

What do you hope will happen if you do say something? How do you think it will help?

SingingSands Sun 02-Oct-11 23:46:43

I think you should tell them, but in a sensitive way, not use it as an excuse for an emotional dump. It sounds from your post that you want to dump on your DSis and BIL about how your experiences have left you with residual negative feelings - but will this really help either your, them or your DN? If your DN is making good progress and you can see that he is, then you should let his parents feel proud and hopeful. "Dashing their hopes" will not make you popular, and I bet it won't make you feel any better either.

flingmeplease Sun 02-Oct-11 23:48:01

I don't know what I would achieve but ii just angered me - that he thought bit of SLT then it would all be okay.
Mine compared to what it was is massively different, the scars are about speaking etc because of other Children's attitudes while at school and teachers. They think all teachers (he is at nursery) now and in future will be good with him, I had some at 16 who weren't.
It ust made me angry I think.

faverolles Sun 02-Oct-11 23:53:44

But they may have a totally different experience than you.

I think telling them like that wouldn't help them at all, and isn't it better for them to start this off positively?

I think you could help by giving advice about potential pitfalls, self esteem issues, and use your experiences with horrible teachers to help keep this a positive experience.

whitsun Mon 03-Oct-11 00:18:36

YANBU. But gently, gently. It sounds as though your DB has got a lot riding on the 'problem solved' approach and it might be very good for him to have you manage his expectations for him a little. Just to let him know that it might not be all ok and he might have to support DN longer with his fluency, and that he should be prepared to do that. Otherwise it might be "But you're supposed to be fixed" sad

CardyMow Mon 03-Oct-11 00:27:47

DS2 was non-verbal on his 3rd birthday (even AFTER lots of S&L therapy). He is now almost 8yo, and very verbal, but his syntax is still waaaaay off. Like Yoda, almost. Not as bad as it was 18 months ago, but still, not great.

S&L therapy is great, but it is not a magic wand. And some adults can be just as mean as children.

I think you have to let your BIL know - but gently. YANBU.

tabulahrasa Mon 03-Oct-11 00:53:56

I think realising that a bit of speech therapy isn't going to fix it all is something that needs to be arrived at at your own speed...

I can't see how it would help anyone at this point to point out that he might be wrong about the outcome. I can see why you would want to, but I genuinely don't see why it would be helpful.

I think it could be great for your DN in a few years to have you to talk to about it, but I really don't see any point right now in telling your BIL that it may not fully resolve.

plupervert Mon 03-Oct-11 06:51:04

"here is a person who will occassionaly tease me about spluttering on words, having to takes pauses, stammering."

This might be your way in to the conversation. "You know, it's not nice to do that to me, and your DS could pick up on it soon." If he replies that his DS is AOK, you will then be able to introduce him to the ideas that: (a) you are still inhibited and traumatised by early teasing, and does he want that for his DS? and (b) SALT can take a long time, and if his DS witnesses teasing like that - even of another person - from his own father, he's going to be inhibited, and it could affect his success...

Poor child, and poor you. I hope your silly BIL allows his DS to benefit from your experience and support.

He knows you have this condition, right?

If he wanted your experiences, he would have asked you for them, wouldn't he?

Since he has not - it is because he doesn't want to know. Perhaps at this moment in time he needs to believe that this is something that will be quickly sorted and moved on from.

Re the teasing you. I think you should say "You know, X has the same condition I do. I hope you aren't going to treat her like you treat me."

StealthPolarBear Mon 03-Oct-11 07:06:13

I think (hope?) that was a typo and she meant "there is a person"
For her BIL to do it would be incredibly sad

Robotindisguise Mon 03-Oct-11 07:09:22

Well - I think I would say something, since he's teased you about your dysfluency in the past. For your own sake, if nothing else.

I would wait until he brings it up again and then say something like "I was very lucky to have mum, so I had SLT 24 hours a day! Obviously it made a big difference. It can be hard at school though if you're teased. And even in adult life". And then leave it, he can join the dots himself.

cory Mon 03-Oct-11 08:43:14

It may be that what they think now is what they need to think in order to cope.

I have children with a far more serious disability (and one that is far more likely to be incurable) and tbh what I do not need is other adults telling me how people around them won't be able to accept them. I need to get on with life and make cheerful noises to people outside my immediate support circle (=dh), otherwise it will be very hard to keep cheerful enough inside the family.

We've had doctors like you, who clearly judge from their own childhood experience and extrapolate that whatever happened to children in their day will happen to any child. Totally unhelpful and to date none of their prophecies has been fulfilled; dd is about to turn 15? Would it have made her better able to cope if she had been expecting to be bullied because Dr X was 30 years ago?

When I was a child, you even got bullied for wearing glasses (and I have permanently damaged my eyesight by refusing to do so). When dd needed glasses I did not think this was a helpful memory to bring up- so I didn't. The situation was what it was- she needed glasses- worrying about it wouldn't change that, so we dealt with it and waited to see what would happen (she didn't get bullied).

People cope differently anyway: things that have left my mum with emotional scars haven't made much impact on me at all, because I'm a different person. Nobody knows what your nephew will be like. There are people who cope very well with speech impairments, just as there are people who cope very well with being blind or lacking an arm. Something that scarred you may not scar him.

But any dumping on your ILs may well scar them.

It seems as if your nephew's condition has brought up a lot of old hurts for you. Would you consider counselling, or any other way of talking to someone outside the family who is less vulnerable?

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