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For not wanting my mother to pick my bridesmaids?!!

(40 Posts)
Bellar82 Sun 02-Oct-11 17:29:46

AIBU To shout at my mother for interfering with my wedding plans?

I am getting married in 2013, my partner of 10 years only proposed to me a few weeks ago so we haven't made many plans yet - the only thing we have decided on is that we want a wedding abroad. My Mother is happy that we are getting married but hasn't made any suggestions / given ideas on the wedding .... the only thing she did do today, which has really pissed me off is told my sister she can be bridesmaid (I did not want my sister to be bridesmaid), my sister is in her 30's, I am more than happy for her daughter to be one of my bridesmaids, my mother also told my 12 and 14 year old nephews that they can be Ushers (again, something that I don't want). When we were in private I told her that she had no right to plan the roles of people in my wedding party - she acted all hard done by and said that the Mother of the bride is supposed to help with the planning, she didn't seem to understand that this does not mean she can pick my bridesmaids .... She has now ignored me for the whole day and is acting like the injured party and trying to make me feel guilty. I don't think that I am being unreasonable at all ... what do you think?

I honestly feel like calling the whole thing off ... the only reason why we have never got married before is because of my weird family - Parents divorced, father hasn't spoken to mother in 19 years, father doesn't speak to my siblings... oh what a fun wedding this will be!! hmm

pigletmania Sun 02-Oct-11 17:31:30

Go to Gretna Green and elope grin. Your wedding, you decide, tell your mum that she will have to untell everyone.

YellowDave Sun 02-Oct-11 17:33:18

YANBU - it is certainly not for her to do this.

I'd be telling her that it is her job to now tell your sister and nephews that she had got the wrong end of the stick.

To help smooth the waters it may be worth giving her responsibility for something you don't give a shit about. I'd also tell her firmly that YOU are organising your own wedding with your dh to be and that unless she asks first / you ask her she is not to be making any arrangements.

Bellar82 Sun 02-Oct-11 17:33:28

I did suggest Gretna Green, my partner has a lovely family though who would all be gutted if they missed out on a wedding ... my in laws really are lovely people.

Bellar82 Sun 02-Oct-11 17:34:45

I've told her she can help choose my dress, make my cake, help with decorations etc, its not lke i'm excluding her!

LittleMissFlustered Sun 02-Oct-11 17:35:32

Tel her no. If she pouts tell her it could have been worse, and that one horrible woman on Mumsnet sugested that she "fuck the fuck off tot he far side of fuck" instead? wink

Hope you get her sorted soon. I can't imagine two years of solid arguing with her over this sort of thing. Good luck!

Gigondas Sun 02-Oct-11 17:42:25

Personally I would get abroad and have party here if needed. Yanbu as she is out of order but IMHO if she is like this now she will be 5 times worse come 2013

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sun 02-Oct-11 17:43:22

Don't elope JUST to escape family, only do it if you want to. Your DM has put you in a very awkward positon. Put the onus back onto her, as Dave suggests. It is her responsibility to resolve this matter...do not simply go along with it just to keep the peace.

Think up some areas where you need her assistance, such as stuffing and posting invites over a couple of glasses of wine; visiting wedding fairs with you to get an idea of what you like; dress choosing.

Keep your ass firmly in the drivers seat

diddl Sun 02-Oct-11 17:45:27

Go to Gretna & take the ILs?

diddl Sun 02-Oct-11 17:46:43

What´s wrong with a b/maid in their 30s, though?

Bunbaker Sun 02-Oct-11 17:48:30

If she isn't paying for the wedding then she gets no say in it. Simple.

unpa1dcar3r Sun 02-Oct-11 17:49:58

Bella, it's your wedding!
Nothing to do with anyone else.
I am glad to say that having 2 girls of marriageable age it would not bother me in the slightest if they buggered off, got married and came back to tell me after!
I'd rather they didn't of course, id be quite happy to be their witness or whatever, but its their choice, not mine.

One will have a Jordan type wedding I imagine, being a bit of a glamour puss, the other will stick her plimsolls on and get the bus down the beach for it so she can have a drink after...either way it's their choice!

Your mum is BU.
Your wedding, your rules!

scarlettsmummy2 Sun 02-Oct-11 17:51:52

I can see why you wouldn't want your mum to pick your bridesmaids, however, would your sister be very upset if you didn't have her? maybe your mum just presumed you would be having her as that is what most people do.

sue52 Sun 02-Oct-11 17:54:15

I am paying for my daughter's wedding but it would never occur to me that I had a say in who gets to be bridesmaid. Tell your Mother to back off or you'll have her behaving like this from now till the wedding day.

begonyabampot Sun 02-Oct-11 17:56:05

I would be annoyed at my mum overstepping the line... but, who will you have as bridesmaid instead of your sister, just curious, I could never have bypassed my sister on this. Also, if your nephews will be there does it really matter if they 'play' the part of ushers (hardly a big role) when among close family and friends.

QueenVictoria42 Sun 02-Oct-11 17:56:14

Why the overreaction - from her and you? Why didn't you just say calmly and very light-heartedly something like 'Whooaa there Mum, we've not even got to deciding whose role is what, so just hold your horses there will ya!'

Quite right though, there is nothing more hideous than a bridesmaid in her 30's. Absolutely awful, I mean, I really can't imagine. It's sooooo old. People will laugh, she'll be pointed at. No, no, it really is the best course of action - she will only humiliate herself. Ghastly.

Seriously?......I was bridesmaid twice in my 30's to friends who were brides in their 30s. I don't see the concern?

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sun 02-Oct-11 17:57:23

Also, dont bow to the pressure of choosing your sis as bridesmaid just because it is the done thing. I have one sis (18), DH has two, mid 20s and none of them were bridesmaids at mine.

Though tbf, I didn't have any smile

Ephiny Sun 02-Oct-11 17:57:27

Are your parents paying for the wedding? In that case they might have traditional expectations - i.e. being involved in the organisation, invitations being sent 'from' them rather than from you/partner etc. Even then though I would think it should be up to you to choose your own bridesmaid(s), or at least for you to be consulted about it!

If they're not paying, then it's absolutely a case of your wedding, your rules. Don't blame you for wanting to elope, but I agree with whoever said you should only do that if it's what you actually want, don't be forced into it. Better to stand up to your mother, than for you, your partner and his nice family to miss out on a nice 'proper' wedding.

Fluffycloudland77 Sun 02-Oct-11 17:58:19

The way I looked at it when we got married was that this was our wedding, everyone else had had theirs and could sod off.

Plus we paid for everything, despite offers of money from mil.

You need to lay the ground rules early and stick to it. Stay strong, people really push their noses in when you get married.

flowery Sun 02-Oct-11 17:59:38

Bearing in mind most people get married in their 30s these days, and most brides have close friends as bridesmaids, what's so weird about a bridesmaid in her 30s?

Apart from that YANBU of course.

LoveBeingAMummyAgain Sun 02-Oct-11 18:06:28

Just remind her that planning means talking to the bride first grin

NestaFiesta Sun 02-Oct-11 18:08:59

YANBU- she is out of order. I had no bridesmaids at all despite having nieces and a sister. She will have to un-tell them and you need to nip this in the bud early on.

The only thing I would say (and your wedding is nothing to do with me either so feel free to ignore me) is that if you have a wedding abroad will all your lovely in-laws be able to attend? or will you get married abroad and just have blessing or party over here?

CailinDana Sun 02-Oct-11 18:14:48

Welcome to wedding planning grin You will get this sort of shit from just about everyone I'm afraid. You have to decide now whether you can put up with it or whether you'd rather just elope. If you're willing to slog it out and deal with everyone and their aunt muscling in and getting the hump when you don't do exactly what they want, I dare say it'll all be worth it, however you have to be aware of what lies ahead as you may spontaneously combust.

troisgarcons Sun 02-Oct-11 18:19:59

Well its too late, but from the benefit of hindsight - you organise your wedding how you want it - then tell everyone how it's going to be!

Weddings bring out the best and worst in people anyway. I wanted my VBFs children to be my pageboy and bridesmaid .... but she insisted on being a bridesmaid as well! Did it bother me? not really.

Everyone wants ot be involved and really, that isa lovely thing that you are so loved and well though of that people do want to be involved

mumeeee Sun 02-Oct-11 18:22:40

YANBU. It's not the Mother of the Brides job to choose the bridesmaids or the usher. When DD1 got married I helped her choose her dress and with the flowers. I also went to a wedding fair with her. But she chose her own Bridesmaids and the ushers were chosen between her and her DH.

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