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i've been so unreasonable i can never go back

(36 Posts)
gluttom Sun 02-Oct-11 08:22:35

I just read a post on another thread and realise how terrible my behaviour towards my kids has been in the last few months that I have been pregnant They are only nearly 2.5 and 4 and are typical boys. I have yelled and shouted and swore at them for being toddlers, my patience has been at an all time low. I am now 40+5 and still feeling rage worse due to the heat. But my kids now favour DH to me, my DH has witnessed my verbal disgrace of parenting. I can't stop crying this am -I want to be a good mum but I don't know where to start again. I can't start today as am so focused on how/when is this pregnancy going to end. What if things are worse with a screaming newborn in the mix -Am I now destined to be a terrible cow forever

FabbyChic Sun 02-Oct-11 08:24:55

You need to start today, you can't put it off. You are going to alienate them against the new baby. They probably associate your anger/mood with the bump.

You should be paying them lots of attention, making them feel loved.

pictish Sun 02-Oct-11 08:26:53

You sound like you need some support and some deep chilling. xxx

Whatmeworry Sun 02-Oct-11 08:44:12

Heavily Pregnant and with 2 boys under 5, I would:

- Forgive myself now, small kids drive everyone round the bend
- Start today, small steps - take them out for doughnuts or some treat ( bribery works wonders)
- find ways to give yourself some private time to unwind and also ways of keeping them occupied (Thomas the Tank Engine videos and wooden train set were a lifesaver)

Of course things are going to be worse with a screaming newborn, you know that - but kids are pretty resilient so long as they know they are loved.

Backtobedlam Sun 02-Oct-11 08:50:33

You might be surprised and things are better with newborn around. I found being pregnant was when I was most tired/hormonal/worried and was much more uptight than when new baby was actually here. You're trying to be the best mum you can be, which is all any of us can do. Some days, weeks, months are worse than others, but you clearly love your children and have now recognised where you can help them even more. Don't dwell on it, ask for help from anyone you can and things will improve

gluttom Sun 02-Oct-11 08:58:58

They bicker all the time and I just yell "pack it in and share" or threaten to take the toy away. I haven't tried to mediate and think the fighting has got worse because of me. It is the bickering that winds me up -it is relentless. Oh and the 3 year old not getting dressed/ being defiant. I feel in a grip of anxiety about the birth - my sister had an overdue / induced pregnancy last year and had shoulder dystocia and her baby had to be resuscitated as he was blue and flat when they finally got him out. Ds1 was induced and it was fine so not sure why i feel so uptight. I feel like I need to keep a close eye on the baby moving and it is getting increasingly difficult and i feel tense about it a lot. Scared now and need to be in cave on my own.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Sun 02-Oct-11 09:08:02

Shouting becomes a habit. No terrible consequences happen when you first start to do it, so a small part of you thinks it is acceptable to carry on in that way. You are very stressed and frustrated which I totally understand and empathise with, but of course recognise you can't take it out on them.

It is not un-doable. I also went through a shouty stage and got help for it - counselling in my case. I have a really good, trusting relationship with my DCs now.They will not turn against you if you address this now. You clearly love them and just need some help to be able to show them.

I'd also recommend:

- keep reminding yourself that nothing they do is aimed at making you angry. If you are angry/resentful with someone else and this is coming out at the children then try and tell that other person how you feel.
- imagine you are being filmed when you interact with your children, and behave accordingly
- get some extra childcare if you can afford it
- are you getting enough help from your DH at home? If not, tell him
- the book Playful Parenting has some good ideas on how to engage with your DCs again, and get co-operation for everyday things like getting dressed

There is no denying that you are in the middle of a really hard bit of parenting. I found it very hard. But you'll get through it, but get help (GP/HV) if you feel it's out of control. Don't be ashamed

Good luck x

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Sun 02-Oct-11 09:09:40

X -posted with your last post. For me, anxiety and repetitive thoughts result in irritability with the children. I think you'll feel better if you can talk your fears through

Groovee Sun 02-Oct-11 09:10:56

You sound like you're ready to give birth, similar thing happened to me just before ds was born

Whatmeworry Sun 02-Oct-11 09:14:25

Re sharing - get a cheap timer with alarm then toy changes over when it rings.

beararse Sun 02-Oct-11 09:16:33

I was going to say the same, it sounds to me like you're not going to be pregnant for very much longer! Good luck and things all seem easier when you're physically comfortable again.ay the same, it sounds to me like you're not going to be pregnant for very much longer! Good luck and things all seem easier when you're physically comfortable again.

Blueberties Sun 02-Oct-11 09:18:18

Can I offer some reassurance - it's not undoable at all, either with your husband or with your children.

Your children are obviously the most important, but with your husband, as soon as things change he will very quickly forget and put it down to "what a nightmare it was when you were pregant" and not the real you.

As for the children: the suggestion above which seems quite shallow but acutally isn't, it's veyr effective - imagine you're being filmed when you're with your children.

It's quite hard to find the energy to be calming when the bickering has raised to such a level but for some reason pretending that other people are watching can have quite an impact and make you think of different ways to deal with a situation. Of course after a few days everything has subsided because of your new "artificial" calmness" and this will generate a new "real" calmness in you.

gluttom Sun 02-Oct-11 09:18:26

Thanks GetAwayFromHerYouBitch it is the anxiety and repetitive thoughts making me so irritable and angry - i need to see if they sort themselves out after the birth - i do find pregnancy worrying and am a person prone to worrying but i can rationalise and put things into little brain "files" to be sorted at a later date. I have been pregnant for over a year now as had a miscarriage at 10 weeks last november and got pregnant 4 weeks later.

Blueberties Sun 02-Oct-11 09:19:43

What I'm trying to say it, don't make the stress of feeling bad about yourself make you even more stressed when you are with the children. Today is a new day, tomorrow is a clean page, and going over and over the past few months is just going to make you very stressed and guilty. Move on positively, you love your children, give yourself a chance.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Sun 02-Oct-11 09:22:23

You poor thing. I agree the pregnancy and the worry is the most over-riding thing causing this. I felt much better after the birth. But if it does continue, there's help out there (and here)

gluttom Sun 02-Oct-11 09:24:03

blueberties you are so right - I had a good afternoon yesterday and really spoke to them calmly about sharing and they seemed much more responsive - i calmly took the castle they were fighting over with away for 2 hours and gave it back just before bed and the played nicely for 30 mins instead of the usual end of day hysteria and jumping on sofas. This am they have also been a lot calmer than usual although i did have to get dh up at 830 (he is helping a lot and is not working til baby here now but does need a lie in too) as I could feel my patience dwindling after 2 hours

squeakytoy Sun 02-Oct-11 09:25:58

You sound like any normal stressed mother. Stop beating yourself up over it. It is hot, you are heavily pregnant, and you have two boisterous kids playing up... that would push anyone to the limit with their patience.

Your husband needs to be backing you up, then the kids know they cant play you off against each other. If your husband is at home today, get him to take the kids out of the way, and try to have a lie down and a rest. smile

Blueberties Sun 02-Oct-11 09:28:02

smile small steps gluttom you will get there

I should think they are lovely boys

hairymonkey Sun 02-Oct-11 09:42:02

I know ho you feel, have 2 ds under 5 and some days feel like all I do is shout. I think once you lose temper it can seem impossible to get it all back, but you can do it. Please don't feel guilty, the majority of mums surely have major wobbles, especially when heavily preggers. Ds1 would never share, I found out they never "Shared" at nursery, but instead "Took turns" This seems to work better. Not sure why I put in the "s! Been up since 4 am with ds1,trying and failing not to shout! neighbours love me.

I think I will try out the 'pretend to be filmed' thing - sounds like a good idea! I've also been a total bitch for a couple of months now, although for me it is just the return of periods after three pregnancy/breast feeding cycles one after another... mood swings are so severe. It is great that this thread has good advice to help control those outbursts.

Good luck with the impending birth! Hope you will feel a lot better without a bump in a heatwave...

geraldinetheluckygoat Sun 02-Oct-11 09:45:52

Glutton, just to say hang in there, pregnancy and small children are a really tough mix. I really, really struggled with pregnant with ds2 at times, as ds1 was very tantrummy and I was also childminding. I was utterly exhausted.

Once Id had the baby, it was SO much easier, I was more comfortable, I actually got more sleep, luckily the baby was good so I was able to spend time with ds1 too.

Well done for being calmer with the kids, you've taken the first step, you're aware of it, have acknowledged it and are doing something positive, wihchis really brilliant. Its great the the kids responded so well, which just proves that if you keep it up most of the time, you can turn the situation round.

My suggestion is, if you have the energy, get the kids out to the park while the weather's good. Take a picnic blanket, snacks, balls or small toys/books. Find a big area and sit down in it and let the kids run free. Not a play park, as you'll end up running around after them/intervening in squabbles. If you are out, you will feel calmer and you wont be able to shout at them! If you find a nice big open space, you wont have to interract with other mums at the park (i sometimes find that stressful in itself when the kids are being a bit challenging). Or, if you are physically up to it, put one in the buggy and one on his bike and go for walks to wear them out, then get them in bed early in the evenings.

Make sure you agree with dh certain days and times where you get time off, when you can hand him the reins and take yourself off for a coffee/lay in bed to read your book/sleep/do something else undisturbed. Agree it and stick to it, then however monstrous the day is, you will know that in X ammount of time you will have some time off. Let him do the bedtime routine on certain days and you stay downstairs and relax. Put on your ipod so you can hear chaos and aren't tempted to intervene!!

I really, really think that you will feel better once the baby is born, talk to your midwife and tell her exactly how you feel about the birth, she might be helpful and able to calm you down. Do you have people that can help out once the baby is born?

Good luck, and dont be hard on yourself, kids are bloody hard work sometimes, and we all have less finer periods of parenting that we'd rather forget about. This WILL pass, you will be fine xxx

Meteorite Sun 02-Oct-11 09:49:03

Also turn things around so you are rewarding good behaviour and not giving extra attention to the not-so-good.

unpa1dcar3r Sun 02-Oct-11 09:55:13

Aw Gluttom
There is so much pressure on mums these days to be 'perfect' it's a ridiculously high bar to reach.
Don't beat yourself up, they know you love them. Explain if they understand that mummy is sorry for being grumpy but is feeling very tired right now. Give them examples of when they've been grumpy cos they're tired.

None of us is perfect, be bloody boring if we were all Stepford wives wouldn't it. We all shout sometimes or get pissed off with our kids, it's natural. And they're at the age where they will push the boundaries to see how far they can go too.

Get partner to give you a night off, have a nice soak in the bath, catch up with emails or read a book, whatever makes you relax honey. Get him to do the bedtime stuff.

I bet you're feeling really fed up now too with the pregnancy...wanting it to be over!

Don't try to be 'Supermum' and for gawds sake don't be watching that bloody Supernanny programme!

feelingratheroverwhelmed Sun 02-Oct-11 10:02:09

OP I'm pg with DC2 and have found myself getting angry with my little DS (2 yo) for things that I never thought I would, like you said, just for being a toddler. He started the tantrummy stage recently and I've found it really challenging. But we are normal, surely?! We feel shitty and tired and we just don;t have the resources we normally have to manage this type of thing?

Because I haven't felt too well this pg, DH has been the one doing all the nice stuff with DS, like going swimming, to the park, farm etc. He's been giving him brekkie at the weekend while I lie in, and putting him to bed. So now, DS is very much a "daddys boy". I don't like it at all, but what could I do? I trying to see it as a positive in that when the new baby comes along and I'm spending hours bf, DS will be happy being with daddy.

You need to get your husband to understand just how hard being pg can be. I'm not sure mine still quite gets it but his support has been vital. Good luck smile

CailinDana Sun 02-Oct-11 10:06:16

Go easy on yourself gluttom! You're tired, anxious and very pregnant with two small children, anyone would be cracking up in that situation. You are concerned and worried about your behaviour which shows you are a caring mum. You're only human though, you're bound to lose your patience sometimes. I honestly can't see why your DH is having a lie in - you should be in bed for most of the day at this stage of your pregnancy, there is no way on earth you should be running around after two toddler for two hours on your own.

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