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AIBU?

To have expected an anniversary present?

45 replies

cathkidstonbag · 01/10/2011 23:00

facts ... We have been married for 17 years, DH has always brought nice gifts on our anniversary, things have not been good between us for years, since Xmas things have been dire although he states he is happy. I have told him I feel unappreciated and like he never makes an effort. So this year he buys me ... a card. I didn't want something expensive, a bunch of flowers would have been enough.

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Mumcentreplus · 01/10/2011 23:11

So sorry cath...do you buy him gifts?..sometimes it's good to show your appreciation/affection and your partner will show theirs..people tend to mimic each other

cathkidstonbag · 01/10/2011 23:15

Yes I do. Little things because I don't earn any money so don't feel it's right to spend lots of his. But things like making sure he has his favourite cereal, nice bar of chocolate etc. I didn't buy him an anniversary gift because he asked me not to, I did however "do" an anniversary gift and have beenmaking a huge effort even though he seems to not care at all.

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cathkidstonbag · 01/10/2011 23:17

By that I meant little things throughout the year, birthdays etc I always buy nice gifts for him. I save money from odd jobs throughout the year for those occasions.

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squeakytoy · 01/10/2011 23:17

I can see where this is going to lead already.

Why does he have money, and you have no money?

You have been married for 17 years and still totally separate finances????

Mumcentreplus · 01/10/2011 23:24

ok..you don't feel it's right to spend lots of his money on him???..you have been married 17 years the money belongs to you both

what did you do as a anniversary gift?

cathkidstonbag · 01/10/2011 23:29

Mumcentreplus - it's just the way our finances are. If he wants something he buys it. If I want something then he will usually get it for me.
Made a huge effort in the bedroom department. Which is a big dealbecause things that way have been bad for months because I find it hard to do it with someone who doesn't seem to like me very much :S But I have been trying to make more of an effort with the relationship and frankly now I don't know why I am bothering!!

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Mumcentreplus · 01/10/2011 23:35

Bluddy hell cath read your post back to yourself and see if it would be acceptable to another woman???... 'I find it hard to do it with someone who doesn't seem to like me very much'...why do you feel this way about your husband? have you spoken to him about how he makes you feel?

'If I want something then he will usually get it for me'- why do you have no access to shared funds?

cathkidstonbag · 01/10/2011 23:39

Yes ive spoken to him. He knows I see a counsellor because I'm
So unhappy with our marriage (he refused to see one with me).
I do have access to funds - joint credit card. However bill is scrutinised and I can't just buy expensive stuff without okaying it. Have tried - he sulked hugely!

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AgentZigzag · 01/10/2011 23:41

I can see what you mean, him not buying you a present when he's always been so thoughtful is confirming your fears about him not being happy.

What's changed since Christmas?

cathkidstonbag · 01/10/2011 23:43

He says he is happy. To him everything is perfect :S

Since Xmas? He's treated me with more and more disrespect basically.

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mummytotwoboys · 02/10/2011 01:09

YABU re gift, 7 years married and no anniversary gifts here - just spending time together is so much more important than a bit of overpriced tat or crappy garage flowers. He should have made the effort to take you put somewhere nice though.

cathkidstonbag · 02/10/2011 01:14

But if you had always had anniversary gifts? For 16 years and then didn't? That coincided with a time when your marriage was really in jeopardy?
If I'd never had, I'd never expect. Or if we were in dire financial problems then also I could understand it.

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cathkidstonbag · 02/10/2011 17:16

Hmmm I'm guessing I obviously am BU then?!!

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WoTmania · 02/10/2011 17:23

YANBU
He says he is happy. To him everything is perfect - sounds like he might be trying to push you intot doing something about the situation (i.e ending it) so he can sit back and say you are the Bad One who ended it becasue everything was fine really. Might be worth posting in relationships?

RufousBartleby · 02/10/2011 17:30

Agree with WoT - I think he is passively trying to undermine your relationship. Have heard of this happening - particularly lazy and spineless people will treat their partner badly to force them to end the relationship, to save themselves the bother/so they don't look like the guilty party. Particularly low in my opinion.

Of course YANBU - thing is, you are in the situation and you know that this does not augur well for your relationship and therefore it actually means far more than just the receiving of an object on your anniversary - its indicative of its whole state of the relationship isn't it?

cathkidstonbag · 02/10/2011 17:38

It definitely is indicative. That's the crux of it really. To me it was a way he could show me that he does appreciate me and want me around. He's apologised profusely and told me how he will make it up to me. Then buffered off out all day today to do his hobby :S
And relationships have been big help in the past. I know what their advice would be and I really would rather make this work. I'm giving 110% right now but not sure why I'm bothering.

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troisgarcons · 02/10/2011 17:41

Do you have any idea what may be playing on his mind? job security? extra pressure at work? reoganisations? Is he just plain feeling his age ?

valiumredhead · 02/10/2011 17:44

Blimey I think a gift is the least of your problems!

Seriously, read your posts back to yourself - if he wants something he gets it for himself and if I want something he buys it for me - eh? Why haven't you got your own money so you can just go and get what you want yourself?

cathkidstonbag · 02/10/2011 18:37

Don't think there's anything playing on his mind :S

And I haven't got "my own" money because I don't work. Full time mum, housewife, etc

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valiumredhead · 02/10/2011 18:42

Me too OP but I have my own money and complete access to 'our' money. I find all this 'mine' and 'yours' so hard to understand, and sulking when you buy something big ( how big is big? ) is ridiculous!

cathkidstonbag · 02/10/2011 18:50

Big would be something over say £20 I guess. So if I wanted to get my haircut or buy a new dress or something I'd check it with him first. Tbh it's always worked ok in past.

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WoTmania · 02/10/2011 18:52

I'm also a SAHM - I have 'my money' and then there is family money. It's all part of the same pot DH wouold never buy himself something extravagent without running it by me and equally anything very expensive I woudl run by him but usually he leaves me to it.
And: 'And I haven't got "my own" money because I don't work. Full time mum, housewife, etc' You do worki - you are a stay at home mum and a housewife, if you worked out of the home who would do what you do? THe childcare and housework fairies? No, either DH would have to pitch in or you would be payinghired help (i.e cleaners etc).

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valiumredhead · 02/10/2011 18:54

OMG £20 is considered big?

Sorry but it sounds like he likes to be in control and that;s just not fair.

As for the anniversary pressie - that alone would make me have serious words if he has always bought you one other years.

Think you need to start standing your ground a bit more.

WoTmania · 02/10/2011 18:56

£20 Big?

cathkidstonbag · 02/10/2011 19:55

Well yes I'd be unlikely to spend more than that on an item :S Obviously food and petrol I get and don't have to agree first!

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