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Please read and help - got no replies in SN

(11 Posts)
GodKeepsGiving Sat 01-Oct-11 16:00:42

DD2 has just been diagnosed with Asperger's in May. We knew for years that she had problems - she is 12 now, but the SENCO at her primary school decided that her issues were emotional and so refused to refer her for an educational psychologist assessment despite requests from other teachers and CAHMS. She left primary school a month early along with another girl because they were both being severely bullied. The other girl is much more confident and able and was bullied because she was very overweight and her mother was a Goth. DD2 was unable to sustain friendships because she would tell lies to impress her peers and daydreamed a lot - this is due to her limited concentration span.
Both girls were sent to the same school in a different county as it has good league table results which were the other child's mothers motives for sending her there and I sent DD2 there because the school had a good reputation for supporting children with special needs.
12 months later everything has been turned upside down. DD2 has fallen out with her only friend repeatedly and she has begun bullying her, along with another girl who is confident, rich and clever and my daughter's self esteem is now lower than ever. They call her a loner, a liar and a chav. She is lonely and does have issues with telling the truth, but I don't feel we are chavs. We are on student incomes and have a mortgage to pay but we still managed to find £180 per term for her bus pass and top up her funds for catering at school. I am really upset and worried.
I was good friends with her mother, but there is little point explaining DD2's version of events since it will all be attributed to Asperger's and her problem behaviour. DD2 is staring a new school in a week which had gone into special measures but gets a lot of funding and only has 30 pupils in her year. A miscommunication meant that rather than starting 10 days from the admission interview she starts on 10 October. My husband took her to the meeting and so I presumed she was starting on Monday - it turns out it is not until the following Monday. Her old school are demanding that she return then for the final week. I have written and emailed to say that this is not in her best interests since the bullying will continue and she will be posited as a liar again.
The school were supposed to support her as she has been deemed very vulnerable to bullying by the paediatric psychologist, they have not even written to him or telephoned to discuss any of it. I'm really worried that any issues will stay on her record and she will be a victim of labelling and the cycle will perpetuate at her new school. I emailed the girl's mother that she went to primary school with and played down her daughter's role in events and warned her about the other girl for DD2's sake, because awful as this child has been her mother is superconfident and bitchy and I don't want my daughter's reputation tarnishing further. I suppose really we're both being bullied by them and I don't want any more to do with them really but her mother sent back a rather terse email saying she would come and see me during the week, but I don't want her too since I might just end up telling her what a cruel and unkind person she has raised. Any thoughts or advice would be very much appreciated.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Oct-11 16:05:03

I might just end up telling her what a cruel and unkind person she has raised

That would not be a good move. Parents are not always responsible for their childrens failings and would just create more hostility.

What would the old school do if you didnt send her in for the week? Can you get a doctors note to cover her with stress perhaps until she starts at the new school?

lec0rnsillk Sat 01-Oct-11 16:05:07

Don't let the other mum come to see you - email her to say it's not convenient.
Ask for a sick note from your GP so that dd is signed off till she starts the new school.
Arrange a meeting with the SENCO of the new school to go through everything. Don't worry about dd's record - it's very unlikely to contain anything other than her SN. If you are worried about that you could ask to see them to put your mind at rest.

talkingnonsense Sat 01-Oct-11 16:06:11

Keep her at home till the 10th. Tell school she is ill.

GodKeepsGiving Sat 01-Oct-11 16:10:11

Squeakytoy I know you're right but I am so fed up with her duplicitous behaviour, being all sweetness and light in front of her mother about her relationship with DD2 and then being extremely hurtful and unkind to her. I'm just venting but I still don't want the confrontation. I wrote to the school and left a message at the child development clinic that they might call on Monday - I will take her to the doctors anyway.

slavetofilofax Sat 01-Oct-11 16:27:13

I agree, take her to the GP to get a sick note, if you tell the GP what has happened he/she will probably agree that it is in your dd's best interests not to go in.

Is there any chance of arranging a meeting with the SENCO at the new school during that week? Book an appointment and go through everything, and push to see if the new class teacher can be involved.

As for the other Mother, tell her you have no interest in talking to her. If she turns up, tell her the same thing and shut the door. You need to move on from that episode and focus on getting the right support for your dd in her new school.

Have you ever contacted the National Autistic Society? They can be very helpful, and will at least understand what you are going through. They may be able to give you some strategies to help you deal with your dd. Also try phoning ACE, the Advisory Centre for Education. They will be able to tell you exactly what you should be able to expect from the new school in terms of support, and can help you to put things in place that will help your dd.

You have my sympathy, my ds has AS too.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 01-Oct-11 16:39:44

being all sweetness and light in front of her mother about her relationship with DD2 and then being extremely hurtful and unkind to her

Unless you've witnessed this in person on a number of occasions and can give specific details, it's not advisable for you to criticise the other child's behaviour - and especially not to her mother.

As advised, take your dd to your GP and get a sicknote to cover the period of her absence from her former school until she starts at the new establishment.

And send the mother an email saying that due to unforeseen circumstances you will not be at home next week and that you'll contact her at some future date. If she gets in touch with you again, simply say that you're too busy to meet up - and repeat until she gets the message.

GobbyCah Sat 01-Oct-11 16:43:47

Get a sick note - tell the doctor she is stressed and run down - and keep her off until she starts the new school. You are absolutely within your rights to do this.

Arrange to see the SENCO at the new school immediately and see if you can make a plan to support your DD in her new school. She obviously needs it.

Tr to move on from the situation with the other girl. Your DD has the chance of a fresh start now, so concentrate on making the best of this.

Is she seeing anyone at CAMHS on a regular basis?

GodKeepsGiving Sat 01-Oct-11 16:45:17

Izzy I have witnessed this twice but I still wouldn't really mention it - I just needed somewhere to be able to vent. She will go out of her way to arrange to spend time with my daughter and then take every opportunity to crush every opinion or idea that she has. I have intervened before and discussed it with her mother, but this time it has become more serious. I will certainly take everyone's advice about her mother, it just isn't a productive relationship. Thanks everyone.

GodKeepsGiving Sat 01-Oct-11 16:47:07

The clinic which she is seen through are going to refer her to CAMHS - so hopefully she'll get some support there. She really does need a new start.

lec0rnsillk Sat 01-Oct-11 17:41:32

good luck smile

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