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Am I expecting too much from family?

(15 Posts)
itsnicetobeniceto Sat 01-Oct-11 14:27:11

I recently had a bad fall and so am immobile. I care for my husband who has a disability which affects his mobility. We have a young baby. AIBU for family to help out? Like say post letters for us and some help with shopping etc. have asked for help but none offered. Normally I take care of my husband and really I feel like no one will step up to that make when am ill even his own family. So am AIBU for asking for help?

aldiwhore Sat 01-Oct-11 14:28:14

YANBU at all, and actually you shouldn't have to ask. Your family, if they're close by, are BVU.

Hope you get some help/feel better soon.

raindroprhyme Sat 01-Oct-11 14:33:23

YANBU, but family sometimes can't be relied on or maybe thay don't relaise how much you normally do. contact social services if you need help you are entitle to a carers assesment.

itsnicetobeniceto Sat 01-Oct-11 14:44:53

They don't live close about an hour away. To me this isn't far as I have travelled to them ALOT over the years. I really think they have no idea what it is like to be house bound. You would swear I had asked them for a gold bar. I have not left the house now in a fortnight - getting food delivered to us . Thank God for the internet. I agree I shouldn't have to ask for it. What can SS do for me?

So you are there for them and help them, but when you need help, they don't want to help you?

I realise that most people will tell you to not sink to tit for tat, but my advice - from now on - when they need help - tell them to fuck off.

itsnicetobeniceto Sat 01-Oct-11 15:04:56

Yes your right Hecate. When my husband was much fitter (his disability is due to a sudden illness) he would have travelled miles to pick up family members and take them wherever. Also myself with my own family. I don't want to say too much here to give away my identity . Howvere Hecate I will not be running to help them in future. It is obvious we need help- if I as my husbands carer bcomes ill he suffers twice over and his familt don't seem to think that social interaction would be of benefit to him.

Not only is is family selfish but I think now they are stupid. My own are the same. How do I come back from this? They will be expecting us to visit when my injury has healed - hopefully in a month - six weeks time. Do we visit?
Feel like not. Surely then am being unreasonable?

Tell them.

Honestly. Just tell them how you feel. How disappointed you are. how selfish you feel they have been. How you are always there for them, but the one time you needed their help - they can't be bothered and that it makes you feel that they don't care about you, they just use you.

itsnicetobeniceto Sat 01-Oct-11 15:27:46

I know they can't be bothered.
I do feel like we have been used . Although they will say they have family commitments etc but everyone knows there are 7 days in a weeks and no one is busy 24/7.

I know I will get better and I will be very reluctant to spend time with these people again. Here's hoping that maybe over the next few weeks we will get real help. I have had reliable offers from work friends and both know what its like to be ill. And i think that is it really - both families don't know or don't want to know the everyday struggles that come with having a disability which affects mobility.

I will say nothing as I don't want the argument.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Oct-11 15:53:28

Some people take offence when help is offered, and some people are reluctant to offer, and wait to be asked.

Tell them how much you are struggling. They may have no idea. Some people really are so wrapped up in their own world that it doesnt occur to them to make the first move to offer, or they assume that someone else will already be helping you, and are waiting for you to ask them.

If they then refuse, you know you can have a clear conscience the next time they are in need and you cant be arsed to go out of your way for them.

dreamingbohemian Sat 01-Oct-11 16:10:39

I'm so sorry

What have these family members said when you asked -- just flat out no? or do they make excuses?

What exactly have you asked them to do -- is it possible they didn't realise it was urgent?

It's possible you are being slightly unfair in saying you don't respect their family commitments because 'no one is busy 24/7'. It may indeed be difficult for people to squeeze in 3 or 4 hours on a weekend to come by if they don't realise how much you need the help -- if they think it's not urgent they are less likely to try.

It's still a crappy situation but I agree that you should try to talk to them about it somehow. It is a really big step to cut off both your families, this will also ensure that if you are in this situation again you will definitely have no help.

I think it would be totally fair to cut back on your own assistance to them, but not seeing them anymore would be quite drastic if they're not intending to be so unhelpful [benefit of the doubt emoticon]

I hope you are feeling better soon

lenak Sat 01-Oct-11 16:15:37

Definitely contact SS - get an assessment both for you as a carer and your DH in his own right.

Your DH may not be eligible for anything in his own right - it depends on the level of his needs and at what level your local authority have set their eligibility criteria (although it is always worth getting an assessment), but you should be able to get some support as a carer, as carers support is assessed differently to service users and usually comes from different budgets.

What help you get would depend on what you actually do as a carer, you may be able to get some crisis help while you are ill and long term you should be able to access things like holiday grants, carers support groups, short breaks if your DH can't be left (daysitting), plus various other things to assist you in your carers role.

Don't be afraid to ask for as much as possible - remember it is infinitely cheaper for SS to provide you with a relatively small amount of support to help you in your caring role compared to how much it would cost for them to provide the care that you do for your DH.

Hope you get better soon smile

itsnicetobeniceto Sat 01-Oct-11 17:11:00

I have directly asked a family member for help and the usual reply came - that their car is broke. Then when text messages where ignored we were informed that this persons mobile phone was also broke!!! This isn't the first time these excuses have been used. My husband has told his family of his problems - that he needs to get out of the house etc. Although this should be obvious as I can no longer drive and they know this. So the help is really to just get out for a little fresh air for a while. We have been in this situation for a number of years really - and there is never a stop gap offered say when I have been ill. So this isn't the first time so really we ought to be used to it. It hurts as down the years we have done so much for other people and now it is taken for granted. PLus I feel taken for granted by my husbands family. If I reduce my caring load for example they wouldn't be long saying I was lazy. But offer no help themselves.

Like I say I will get better but why should I do everything ??
They do have family commitments but a one off visit say even once a month isn't really going to be a pain if its planned properly -they just cant be bothered.

Icancancatchbabies Sat 01-Oct-11 17:24:57

I'm sorry you are going through this, sounds really hard. The families sound selfish as hell. As another poster said ss maybe able to offer you help. Sometimes it's friends who are more help.

KeepInMind Sat 01-Oct-11 17:25:40

YANBU at all, Where do you live? Are there any MNs near by that could help?

dreamingbohemian Sat 01-Oct-11 17:25:53

Oh that's awful. I'm sorry both your families are letting you down.

Isn't anyone interested in seeing the new grandchild? That's just bizarre. It's hard to imagine people could be so uncaring.

I hope SS are able to help. Or are there local volunteers you might access? It sounds like you need long-term assistance really.

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