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to ask if it is possible to overcome this and how?

(61 Posts)
whereismysanity Fri 30-Sep-11 18:25:34

When you both want to spend the rest of your life together but one of you really wants that to be as a married couple and one of you really doesn't? :S

faverolles Fri 30-Sep-11 18:31:33

Hmm, tricky one.
What are the reasons for not wanting to marry?

AKMD Fri 30-Sep-11 18:32:02

Get married in a registry office in your lunchbreak.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn Fri 30-Sep-11 18:34:21

Do either of you care to compromise? Would a Handfasting or some kind of personal private ceremony to commit to each other and exchange vows do? not a legal actual marriage in the eyes of the law and the/a church or state, but really, when you get down to it, marriage is all in the mind anyway - (leaving aside the making of wills and financial stuff that a "real" marriage entails, which can all be sorted out in other ways anyway)

valiumredhead Fri 30-Sep-11 18:35:25

What are the reasons for NOT getting married?

whereismysanity Fri 30-Sep-11 18:35:45

AKMD that is what the person who wants to get married wants to do.

The reasons not to are mainly by being put off by a pricy divorce and not seeing the point.

LydiaWickham Fri 30-Sep-11 18:37:00

Which one doesn't want to get married and what are their reasons? Do you have DCs and is either party a stay at home parent? Does either party earn significantly more than the other?

whereismysanity Fri 30-Sep-11 18:39:46

We have 6 DC's none together, and do not want any more.

Both work, one earns about 15 grand more than the other.

Iggi999 Fri 30-Sep-11 18:41:35

Well my dp and I resolved this by giving in to my wishes (not to get married) and after about 5 years of living together I began to think of a ceremony I would be comfortable with, and now we are married. smile

GalaxyWeaver Fri 30-Sep-11 18:42:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Are both parties equally insistant?

Cos it's one of those things where neither is wrong and neither should be forced to give in. It's a big thing. Like having children. Not wanting them is as valid as wanting them and not something that someone can be browbeaten into.

Getting married is something that both parties have to want, or it just can't happen. If one of you isn't happy with that, then they have to decide what they want more - to be with the current partner or to be married. I think, in these circumstances, all that the person who is not happy can do is sit the other one down and say I love you, but I have a plan for my future, and that involves being married. If we don't want the same things, then we have to consider whether we are doing the right thing being together.

But marriage would have to be bloody vital to someone for them to say that they want to be married, so it's better that they find someone who wants that too.

And, erm, you know, well, it's a little bit manipulative too grin wink

AKMD Fri 30-Sep-11 18:43:29

You have 6 DCs together and one of you is being put off by the possibility of a 'pricey divorce'? shock

helpmabob Fri 30-Sep-11 18:44:03

What are the reasons for getting married? Can they be resolved a different way?

whereismysanity Fri 30-Sep-11 18:45:27

Is there a point? Is it important? confused

whereismysanity Fri 30-Sep-11 18:46:13

AKMD grin

idobelieveinfairies Fri 30-Sep-11 18:46:17

I have been through this, DP wanted to get married years and years ago and still does now but doesn't mention it much. I have no interest in getting married and i have no idea why...i can't explain why i don't want to. We have been together nearly 20 years and have lots of children together and i love him more than anything but i don't want to get married.

Dp thought i was a bit odd earlier on...but he is fine now. If you both want to be together then you will be regardless of marriage.

whereismysanity Fri 30-Sep-11 18:47:21

Reasons for are love.

youarekidding Fri 30-Sep-11 18:47:23

Am I right in thinking the one who doesn't want to be married earns the most? Are they worried about losing a lot of it in divorce?

If not and the one who doesn't earns the least is it for security reasons?

I wouldn't be bothered about marraige myself tbh but I would want to protect myself and my DC's so would be looking at paperwork of another sort.

I guess 6DC's does prove love and commitment and to some that is enough.

youarekidding Fri 30-Sep-11 18:49:47

and I may have just won the award for the most pessamistic and hearthearted cow post of the week but hopefully yswim? grin

grovel Fri 30-Sep-11 18:50:26

There is a point - to some people. They feel it somehow "right" to formalise the significance and commitment of their relationship in the view of their family, friends, the State, their DCs (sometimes). It's really hard to explain but I felt it strongly.

whereismysanity Fri 30-Sep-11 18:50:38

One of us it also in the forces and we are apart a lot.

Well, you don't love someone any more because you have a piece of paper that says so.

and if you've been with someone for years, have property together, kids together, then it's not like you can just walk away from each other even without the piece of paper

It doesn't imply a greater love. And I say that as someone who is married.

So.

Why don't you want to get married then?

What are you scared of?

grin

PonceyMcPonce Fri 30-Sep-11 18:51:35

The dc are his and hers - not together. (not sure if that makes a difference but presumably one or both has been married before and carries some baggage)

whereismysanity Fri 30-Sep-11 18:51:56

youarekidding grin

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