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AIBU?

about my DH going to the gym?

46 replies

CurlyHairGirl · 30/09/2011 14:26

I have two DSs 3.5 and 9months. Just feeling a bit resentful lately as my DH goes to the gym 3 evenings a week (straight from work so is home by 7 but not in time to help with most of bath/bedtime) and has just joined a photography club which meets once a fortnight.
I haven't been out without the children since DS2 came along. (Have been bfing and he won't have a bottle so can't leav him atm). Guess I am just moaning but am desperate for some time on my own.
My DH is a great Dad an very hands on etc. so don't want to moan about him too much (I'm also glad he makes the effort to exercise and look after himself!). I just feel he gets quite a bit of time for himself but I get none at the moment. AIBU?

OP posts:

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kat2504 · 30/09/2011 14:29

He needs to be a bit more considerate. Obviously exercise is good but surely he could come home first, put the kids to bed while you have a bit of time to rest, and then go back out to the gym.

Goodynuff · 30/09/2011 14:30

Yabu to resent him having time to himself, yanbu to want time for yourself as well.

aldiwhore · 30/09/2011 14:32

Can't you join a club and go to the gym the other 3 nights a week?

YABU to resent him... what goodynuff says, but add on YABU to expect him to drop 'his' interests, you need to get some of your own. If they then clash, negotiate.

cestlavielife · 30/09/2011 14:32

at 9months, even if he breastfeeding you can ceratinly leave him for three or four hours at a time to go to the gym or whereever. he must be on solids now and rinking water right? so no problem to leave him with H or someone else without BF for a few hours.

so for every time off your h gets, you should get the same.

zimm · 30/09/2011 14:33

He is BU with 2 DC this small if he can be home to help with bedtimes he should - at least most of the time. 3 times a week is a lot. Personally I think gyms are a waste of money when you have young DC - if you're tearing round after them you shouldn't need to pay for a gym....DP has lost 2 jeans sizes since DD was born because of this - and we've been eating rubbish. Cancel gym, spend money on cleaner/babysitter and have some time together :-)

cestlavielife · 30/09/2011 14:33

drinking water

kat2504 · 30/09/2011 14:33

It isn't really about who is and isn't being reasonable. It is perfectly reasonable for him to want to keep fit but 3 days a week when he gets home and the kids are already asleep means he is not taking enough responsibility for childcare during the week. It should be perfectly possible to reach a fair compromise. He might cut down to two a week and then go early one weekend morning as well. Or come home first and go to the gym later.

Hassled · 30/09/2011 14:33

At 9 months presumably your DS2 can last a good while without a BF? So just sort something - call a friend, see what's on at the cinema, plan some shopping. Don't ask him if it's OK - just tell him that next Saturday afternoon you'll be out from 2 to 5 so he needs to be around. Then go and have some fun, and your resentment will fade a bit.

I do understand how easy it is to end up in the trap where you're too tired/stressed to make the effort to go out, so you don't go out, so you feel like a martyr, so you resent the people who are going out - but really, you have to take the initiative.

zimm · 30/09/2011 14:34

Lord I'm harsh - but then I think gyms are ridiculous places..

bagelmonkey · 30/09/2011 14:34

YANBU if he goes straight from work and isn't around to help out. He should go to the gym later in the evening.

tigermoll · 30/09/2011 14:34

YANBU - although going to the gym three times a week and having a once a fortnight hobby isn't U either.

The point is, you are feeling overwhelmed and put-upon, with no time for yourself. You need to talk to your partner and sort out a better schedule, one that makes you feel like you both have some time to do the things you want.

You say you can't leave the DS because he won't take a bottle, does this mean that for 9 months, you have been exclusively feeding him? I know almost nothing about bfing, but can imagine that must be exhausting.

zimm · 30/09/2011 14:34

Hasseled not all 9 monther can be left 3/4 hours if they BF..

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 30/09/2011 14:37

Yanbu, but he may not realise that you need him there. Is it possible for him to go to the gym before work/in his lunch break? Or even go for a short run after the DCs are in bed?

Hobby time should be equal. DP and I don't have children (yet) but have already discussed him cutting down the running (3 times a week) and choir (once a week in term time). I'm a youth worker one evening a week, so the deal will be that I keep that and he runs once a week, and if he wants to continue choir then I'll have an evening doing something else... Keeps it fair, even though his runs are only for an hour or so and Youthie has me out for four hours! We shall see if it actually works when the time comes though

aldiwhore · 30/09/2011 14:38

zimm that's certainly true! I was so tired and fed up at the end of the day when my boys were that age that I was resentful at times of anyone having any fun. The second DH came over the threshold I'd want him to understand, to take over, to run me a bath, to be there... but at the same I didn't!

Neither of you is being particularly unreasonable, give it a few more months and you WILL be able to start leaving your child for an hour or more, then is the time you should be finding things to do that are just yours.

CurlyHairGirl · 30/09/2011 14:42

Thanks for your comments. cestlavielife and Hassled, your are right that I could leave DS2 pretty much all day now as he is starting to find the whole bfing thing boring (except at night :().
Perhaps I am realising that I have created this problem a bit for myself. I would not want my DH to give up his interests or exercise but need to find something that I can do. I hate the gym so am with you zimm but where do I go when I am allowed out? And how do I stop myself feeling guilty about leaving the children with their Dad? He says he is happy to do it but I still feel like I am leaving them with a babysitter .

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 30/09/2011 14:43

what will be the outcome for a nine month old breastfeeder if they left for three to four hours without a breast feed?

i am mystified.

even a three month old or younger can go three to four hours without a feed??

unless there is some medical problem?

and even then - with water he isnt going to starve over three four hours...??

i remember with my first my mother pushing me to go out for two hours and leave my week old with her - i felt terribly guilty but of course he survived.. i think he may have been crying a bit hungry when i got back - but he survived. it was a valuable lesson!

at nine months - it really is time to start leaving baby with someone else - start with half hour and build up to a whole afternoon/day out

otherwise you cant complain about not having time to yourself...

NorfolkBroad · 30/09/2011 14:43

YANBU. It is really hard being on your own all day with little ones and not having some help with bedtime etc. Just an idea. Why doesn't your DH come home, help with the bedtime and then go for a run. It is much quicker (not to mention cheaper!). Or get some workout gear and do a workout at home. Maybe these are stupid suggestions but this is what I do so that i can combine work, motherhood and spending time with my DP.

cestlavielife · 30/09/2011 14:45

x posted curly - please let h have time alone with the DC it is so important for him and them!
and if he willing to do it -well that is a huge plus (he should be willing anyway of course - but you also have to trust him and let him!)

AnyF · 30/09/2011 14:45

He says he is happy to do it but I still feel like I am leaving them with a babysitter .

this is your problem

stop being a martyr

Dozer · 30/09/2011 14:45

YANBU. When the kids are that small, and there're two little ones to get fed and to bed, one of whom is breastfed, 3 nights a week at the gym, plus other activities is too much.

Your DH is being selfish and not considerate of you OP.

My kids are similar age. DH gets in (straight) from work just after 7. 5pm - 7pm is really hard: clearing away tea things, tidying up house, the big one wants stories, time and attention, little one wants boob, both are tired and grumpy (fights over teeth-cleaning, hair-brushing etc) practicalities of getting them both changed, bathed etc. And if you're up in the night and breastfeeding it's a real tired time for you as well.

In these circumstances, DH coming home at 6pm instead of 7pm makes a massive difference to the whole family.

In general, the MN rule seems to be that both people get roughly equal time to do their own thing, and that if this would mean not enough couple / family time left, then the individual time needs to be reduced, but still equal. In this case, DH is taking the time for himself and you are run ragged.

Also, if one of you is totally knackered while the other is scooting off to the gym that often, then there is an imbalance of work going on. Take a look at your DH and in the mirror, and there's your answer.

Dozer · 30/09/2011 14:46

AnyF, am normally a fan, but you're wrong on this one.

CurlyHairGirl · 30/09/2011 14:46

tigermoll. Yes have been exclusively feeding him for 9mths, although obviously he now has solids too. Is exhausting but not much choice when he won't have bottle. He is starting to drink a little bit of milk from a cup now and is not interested in bfing during the day now. Has 1/2 feeds at night still.

OP posts:

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NorfolkBroad · 30/09/2011 14:46

sorry did not read the whole thread properly. Yes, you did ought to go out a bit more if you are feeling like that. I do remember that feeling though. You get so absorbed into being mummy that even though you are knackered you can't remember what you did before or summon up enough enthusiasm for it! You will do though!

cestlavielife · 30/09/2011 14:46

where do I go when I am allowed out?

could be a walk
a cafe
read a book in park or cafe
swim
cinema
mooching round shops
see a friend

what did you like doing for yourself before dc?

lisad123 · 30/09/2011 14:47

Im a gym widow too
DH does try and go in the morning but then that leaves me with dd2 who wakes around 5am.
Im not a gym type, i have tried but I do go out but not as reguarally as him. I get anoyed with the fact his had all day at work away from the kids, and i have had them all day :( least he gets a lunch break

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