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To want step son to get his own place

(39 Posts)
Chewbecca Fri 30-Sep-11 10:36:03

Step son is 23yo. He returned from travelling in February and moved in with us as he had no money.
He now has a perm full time job, not great money but secure.
I now want him to get his own place, rent with friends or something. Husband is reluctant to insist and step son is not bothered as he wants to spend his cash on other stuff such as clothes, going out, getting a car.
He is driving me up the wall with silly things, for e.g. I have asked him not to use the tumble dryer when the weather is nice but this morning I see him using it again. He NEVER unloads the dishwasher, always leaves his stuff on top. He pays £100 rent pm but only when asked multiple times. He leaves the toilets pretty dirty. He gets in late at night (3am e.g.), not intentionally noisily but it's not a huge house so I do hear him.
I just think he is a grown up, shouldn't be living by wicked step mother's house rules, it's time for him to get his own place and live as he pleases. (and give me my house back)
AIBU?
If not, how to get it to happen, without upsetting DH too much?
If yes, I will try harder to bite my tongue and wait patiently for him to decide the time is right.

squeakytoy Fri 30-Sep-11 10:37:14

Would you feel the same if this was your own child?

worraliberty Fri 30-Sep-11 10:38:30

If he's not earning great money, how is he supposed to afford it?

Bramshott Fri 30-Sep-11 10:40:55

He's 23 and working full time shock. Blimey, neither of my DCs will still be living here under those circumstances I can tell you!

PopcornMouse Fri 30-Sep-11 10:42:55

I can see where you're coming from, but there's not much you can do - you'd be U to insist he leaves.

I'd make life a little less comfortable for him - chores, as he is an adult and is paying minimal rent. Can you set up a direct debit for the rent?

slavetofilofax Fri 30-Sep-11 10:43:07

If you would put up with it with no complaint about your own child, then yabvu.

If you would honestly ask your own child to leave, and begrudge them spending their low wage on clothes and transport, then yanbu.

yummybunny Fri 30-Sep-11 10:43:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveglove Fri 30-Sep-11 10:44:04

If he insists on staying there, you must sort out his bad habits re: the dishwasher etc etc, and £100 is WAAAYYY too cheap unless he is actively saving to move out which it doesn't sound like he is.

Lay down the rules with force and you may find him leaving of his own accord!

PopcornMouse Fri 30-Sep-11 10:44:43

In the interests of full disclosure, DH and I both lived with my parents til I was 25, as we saved (hard) for a mortgage. I don't think it's that uncommon nowadays, but he does need to be considerate and appreciative, and have some sort of long-term plan imho.

Kladdkaka Fri 30-Sep-11 10:47:11

My daughter will always have a home with me whether she's 24 or 44, if she wants it. Can't imagine ever insisting she move out.

boohoohoo Fri 30-Sep-11 10:48:06

I agree with the others, if it was your own child would you want them to leave, if my step son is still here at 23, I wouldn't have a problem at all in fact I'd be secretly pleased I would take it that I hadn't been a bad step mum to him.

Chewbecca Fri 30-Sep-11 10:49:00

squeaky toy - I don't know if I would, it's one of the dilemmas I have with myself over the subject. I think I would be less inclined to 'send him packing', BUT I would also be able to tell him if I were unhappy with his behaviour, insist he helped out more & behaved more considerately. I don't feel I can do this with step son and DH doesn't get bothered by anything really.

worraliberty - that's why I think he should rent with friends, he could afford a house share albeit of course with much less money left to spend as he pleases.

Bramshott - well that's my inital thinking - I know my parents would not have 'let' me stay that long, nor would I have wanted to.

worraliberty Fri 30-Sep-11 10:50:54

I think a bit of background is needed

How old are your own DC and how long have you been a step mum?

MrsSleepy Fri 30-Sep-11 10:54:12

If you wouldn't do this with your own child then I think your being a BU to do it to your SS.

You call yourself the 'Wicked stepmum' Is there any truth in that??!!!

StrandedBear Fri 30-Sep-11 10:57:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy Fri 30-Sep-11 11:01:05

BUT I would also be able to tell him if I were unhappy with his behaviour, insist he helped out more & behaved more considerately. I don't feel I can do this with step son and DH doesn't get bothered by anything really

But you should be able to. You should treat him as you would your own child. He is your husbands son, and when you marry a man who has already got children, you should get a package, whether they are younger children, teens or young adults.

He should have respect for his parents house, but it should also still be his home too. It is not "your" home.

pootlebug Fri 30-Sep-11 11:01:10

How about charing him a fair market rent and putting the extra above what he pays now into a separate account for a rental/purchase deposit at some point? I understand living with parents to better save for your own place, I guess I'm less sympathetic to the living with parents so as to have lots of disposable income thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 30-Sep-11 11:03:51

YANBU. I think others making a big deal out of his step status are being unkind, frankly. The person to convince here is your DH and he has to pull his finger out at some stage. No-one wants to kick a young person out onto the street but this guy is definitely taking the piss. smile Make the rent/bills a standing order for a start. Have rules about tumble driers and whatever else chores need doing around the place. Make living at home rather less cushy and sharing a house with friends will become more appealing quite naturally. But approach it as a partnership or you're sunk and you'll get nowhere.

Chewbecca Fri 30-Sep-11 11:08:10

Interesting.

We have one son - he's 7. Been married to DSS's Dad for 10 years, have known his children since they were 10 ish. They've lived with us on and off since late teens.

I think I would let my own son stay but the difference is that I would expect and ask more of him.

I think you've helped me come to the point of the problem - the reason I want him to go is that he doesn't behave considerately. Leaving is not the only solution, giving him the opportunity to behave better is probably a better alternative.

My difficulty with this is DH is very laid back and reluctant to get involved and I don't feel I can ask him to do anything - this is the crux of the difference between my own son and step son.

I think I am the wicked stepmum in that I lay down rules / nag (which are ignored) such as 'don't use the tumble dryer when it's sunny', 'don't pee all over the toilet seat'.

SenoritaViva Fri 30-Sep-11 11:09:02

I agree with pootlebug about 'helping' him save so that when he does want to move out there is some money apportioned to him doing so (for deposit etc.) You could charge him e.g. £300, keep the £100 for rent currently and bank the £200 (or whatever is deemed reasonable). This would get him in the habit of having less money for when he does rent.

I also think that you should feel stronger about making up the rules.

I don't think you can do anything about the 3am thing, bite your tongue on that but there is no excuse not to have a direct debit and to help around the house a bit. If DH kicks up say simply that you are treating him like you would your own child and now that he is an adult he needs to take on adult responsibilities.

SenoritaViva Fri 30-Sep-11 11:10:34

OK ultimatum time for DH. Either he leaves or you back me up with some house 'rules'. Explain exactly what you have said, it is not unreasonable to feel like that.

Sewmuchtodo Fri 30-Sep-11 11:10:35

A friend of ours has her DD and DSS (she married his dad 7yrs ago) living with her and her DH. DD is 22 and DSS is 26. They both hand over half of their take home wage (one earns min wage so around £300 pcm and the other in decent job so almost £900pcm). Their parents take £100 from each to use on bills, food etc and put the rest into seperate savings accounts for them to use as a deposit on a rented property or when they decide to buy a home.

That said they have never suggested either move out and the home is very much a family home and not a 'parents' home that grown children live in. They share cooking, all capable of putting on a load of washing and socialise together (quick supper in the pub, cinema trip etc).

Could this be possible for you?

Andrewofgg Fri 30-Sep-11 11:11:17

He must pull his weight at home - no compromise on that.

Sewmuchtodo Fri 30-Sep-11 11:12:07

P.s, no flatmate will want to share with a 'pee all over the seat' kind of chap... tell him this!

worraliberty Fri 30-Sep-11 11:13:01

I understand what you're saying but actually your own son could be exactly the same at 23, no matter how much you nag him.

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