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Am I or is he?

(38 Posts)
birdynumnums Thu 29-Sep-11 22:37:54

DS1 age 3 has been mithering us to go to my mum's holiday home for ages. To be fair to my partner the last few times we have been it has rained constantly and has been crap. There is not much to do there but DS1 loves playing on the beach and spending time with us away from our computers and all the other distractions that we get at home. I always think it does him good when we go. My mum always offers to take him when she goes but partner refuses because he is overprotective and feels he should not go 3 days without seeing his parents. I think this is spiteful to DS!.

Anyway, partner and I both have weekend off so have arranged with my mum to go tomorrow. DS1 is really excited. Tonight, partner has sat me down, tried to be a bit manipulative and said he does not want to go. Basically he wants me and my mum to go with the two kids while he stays at home, says he will be bored and has jobs around the house he could do. DS1 is a real handful and I feel he just wants a nice, quiet weekend. I am pissed off because a) I don't know why he feels he won't enjoy quality time with his children especially when weather is meant to be glorious, b) I am going to be stressed out dealing with 3 year old and 1 year old alone and c) I think it is unfair that he will never let DS1 go with his nan which would mean both of us could get a break being as though he is willing not to see him for a weekend anyway.

I have told him i think he is selfish and miserable. To appease me, he has suggested that a) he stays with DS2 aged 13 montha while I go with DS1 ( I think this is mean to DS2) and b) none of us go and we spend the weekend playing in the garden (obviously DS1 will be upset because my mum has been telling him all week he is going to her holiday caravan). Am I ureasonable to make partner go where he does not want to go? Or is he being miserable and selfish?

madhattershouse Thu 29-Sep-11 22:40:41

If he's going to ne miserable it will not be nice for you either. Best you go with the kids...and leave a REALLY long list of jobs that need doing while you are away!

nickschick Thu 29-Sep-11 22:40:48

I think its planned and he should go - next time he can stay at home if he chooses but this time ds1 thinks Daddy is coming and so do you and your mum - it could have been an entirely different weekend away if it was going to be just you and your Mum.

He is BVU.

Oakmaiden Thu 29-Sep-11 22:45:08

Well, you know he doesn't like going, so that is a BIT selfish. Although he should have said he didn't want to immediately, instead of saying yes to start with then changing his mind.

However, if it were me I would go with option a. Your 13 month old is not going to mind missing out on the trip, and it means you get to spend quality time with DS1, and your partner gets to spend quality time with ds2.

Or tell him you will compromise and just go overnight - which will be enough to keep your promise to your son and will leave you with time at home as well.

akaemmafrost Thu 29-Sep-11 22:46:37

I wouldn't make him go, miserable twat!

I would much prefer to go with my Mum and kids under these circumstances. Oh and I wouldn't put up with him saying my Mum couldn't take ds away on her own for the flimsy excuses he has given.

Yes he is being miserable and selfish.

NanaNina Thu 29-Sep-11 23:04:43

I think your P sounds a bit controlling. Is he the dominant partner in the relationship?

squeakytoy Thu 29-Sep-11 23:09:11

I would go without him, with the kids, and your mum, and have fun.

Not sure what his problem is, but it sounds to me like he wants to make an issue where there isnt one.

PandaNot Thu 29-Sep-11 23:09:33

I wouldn't make him go but then my partner wouldn't make me go to visit his parents either, if I didn't want to. I've taken our dc many times to my parents alone and he has done the same.

birdynumnums Thu 29-Sep-11 23:11:46

I understand why people are saying that we should just go, enjoy ourselves and leave miseryguts at home but to be honest, it bothers me that he does not want to spend 2 nice, sunny days playing in the sea, making sand castles, crabbing with his two toddlers. The best of it is that my lovely mum has even offered for us to go out for one of the evenings while she looks after the kids. If it wasn't for her giving us free access to her holiday home, we would not have had a holiday all year (and we have only been twice so far). I do feel he is a bit ungrateful.

And with his offer to look after DS2, I do feel DS2 will miss out. I think he would love tottering about on the beach. I was looking forward to watching him. If he stays home with partner, he will spend half the day in the play pen whilst he gets on with these oh so important 'jobs'. I think partner just fancies a weekend chilling out to be honest but he is not prepared to let the kids out of our sight to get it so he has decided that I will hold the fort.

Nananina, he is a bit controlling in terms of DS1 but only when it suits him.

Quidsi Thu 29-Sep-11 23:14:05

Personally I would go without him. He sounds as though he would put a whole dampner on the weekend if he were to go.
Then I would question why he wouldn't want your DS to go away for the weekend without either of you when he is 3 (I would bite your mums hand off at the offer)
Next, if he wants a weekend to himself at home then fine, but I suggest you make sure you get the same.

Quidsi Thu 29-Sep-11 23:16:19

Ok cross posts. Think you need to have a proper talk with him.
Fair enough not everyone wants to holiday with their inlaws but (and I may have got this wrong) it sounds a bit more than that.
Please don't be offended if I ask this, but does he play on computer games alot?

squeakytoy Thu 29-Sep-11 23:21:04

It would bother me too if my partner didnt want to take up the opportunity of a family holiday for free like this. Especially when there is no clear reason why he wouldnt want to go.

I wouldnt cut off my nose to spite my face though, or let the kids (and I mean BOTH of them) miss out on a lovely weekend with you and their gran, for the sake of his irrational sulking.

I suspect he will be more than happy to stay at home and play on his computer while you are away... leave him to it.

birdynumnums Thu 29-Sep-11 23:35:06

No, to be fair he does not play computer games anymore. He likes going on the internet though (as do I). Nothing obsessive. I just think he fancies a chill out but it pisses me off that he would let our children miss out because of it. He never wants to spend time alone with DS2 normally (but that's a different thread) but has decided he will this weekend because it suits him. Regardless, I have decided both of them will be spending the weekend at the beach with me. If he does not come, I will go out next weekend (and get drunk).

whackamole Fri 30-Sep-11 02:05:41

So, in his mind, it's ok that both his children go 2-3 days without seeing him, but not their mum?

He is being unreasonable IMO but I wouldn't make him go this weekend. Go by yourself with the children, take lots of photos and leave him a list of things you want doing. Then sit down and ask him why he is such a miserable ungrateful bastard - could it be that he doesn't want to spend time with your mum there?

flyingspaghettimonster Fri 30-Sep-11 05:00:22

Let him stay if he's being a grouchy git. No-one will enjoy it if you are both arguing the whole weekend.

Mine's going away from tomorrow morning until Sunday night. It sucks to have the childcare all to yourself on a weekend which ought to be family time - but on the plus side, when you get back he should be suitably relaxed and grateful and being nice to you again. Plus, he will owe you a weekend's worth of childfree time for yourself...

itisnearlysummer Fri 30-Sep-11 05:45:54

Tbh, I'd let him stay and go with the children. Enjoy the sunshine, spend some lovely time on the beach and let him miss out on the fun.

Are there jobs that need doing? My DH isn't enamoured with housework (although he does do it) but when there are a few jobs he needs to do and he gets it into his head to do them, nothing will sway him.

What are the jobs that need doing? Could it be that he sees a perfect opportunity to get some jobs done whilst you have the company of your mum for the weekned with the children.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think it sounds like a nice idea!

Backtobedlam Fri 30-Sep-11 06:55:03

YANBU to expect him to honour a commitment he's made. However, in the circumstances I think I'd go with my mum, have a great time without him and come home to a lovely clean, tidy house. I can understand how you feel, I've had a few holidays me, kids and friends without dp, but it's better than dragging him along to moan and whine!

KittyFane Fri 30-Sep-11 07:10:49

Go with your mum and DC and have a wonderful time!!
Leave the misery at home and go for your DC who is looking forward to it so much.
Your DH needs a good long list of things to do whilst you are away (as others have said).

diddl Fri 30-Sep-11 07:15:44

Is the problem that your mum will be there?

tigermoll Fri 30-Sep-11 11:53:11

YANBU - this seems like an odd situation, and I think you need to have an honest talk to him.

When he says he 'will be bored' with the caravan, but suggests that you all have a 'holiday at home' in the garden, this could mean one of a few things:
- He doesn't get on with your mother
- He doesn't want to be in a situation where he can't 'escape'. If you were to have a holiday at home, how much of an input do you think you could rely on him to give? Would he really just disappear off by himself, or would he muck in with a picnic and a game of french cricket?
-He wants the time by himself and knows that you won't go for the 'holiday at home' option since you have already promised DS1 the caravan.

When he offers to look after DS2 in exchange for you and DS1 going away, this is even more odd. There are three people he could be avoiding (don't mean to sound harsh, sorry) - your mother, your son, or you. You say that DS1 is a handful, - how is their r/ship? I think he needs to be a lot more honest with you about how he sees family time and what his motives are.

If he does want a weekend to himself, that IS selfish, BUT entirely understandable. Could you make a deal with him, where you take the kids this weekend, in exchange for either you getting a reciprocal alone-time weekend, or a family weekend (your choice)?

SpanishPaella Fri 30-Sep-11 11:59:04

spending time with us away from our computers - aww thats sad that a three year old knows that by going away he will get some attention.

a) I don't know why he feels he won't enjoy quality time with his children especially when weather is meant to be glorious - as above, because he prefers to spend time on his computer???

b) I am going to be stressed out dealing with 3 year old and 1 year old alone - nonsense, you wont be alone, your mother is there and two kids arent that difficult to look after ffs

c) I think it is unfair that he will never let DS1 go with his nan which would mean both of us could get a break - hmmm why does he get to have the final say? and why do you want a break from two little ones who dont get much attention as it is

PissesGlitter Fri 30-Sep-11 12:02:07

i think he is being a miserable bastard but i would go without him rather than force him to go and have to look at his bloody miserable face for the weekend

make sure you do loads of brilliant things with the kids then make him jealous by telling the fantastic stories of all the things he could have been doing with the kids

aldiwhore Fri 30-Sep-11 12:02:30

I agree with tigermoll

My folks live at the other end of the country, they have space to put us all up for holidays, my DH finds it incredibly stressful being in such close proximity to them for more than a few hours.

Our compromise is that he pays for a holiday cottage close to my parents, we all get space then!

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable, and I'd bet its more about being stuck in a bloody caravan (hate the things) and being in such close quarters with his MIL than about not wanting to spend time with the family.

DeWe Fri 30-Sep-11 12:05:58

I think his offer of staying with ds2 is actually quite nice. That way both children get some 1-2-1 attention. And it's not going to be a relaxing whatever-he-wants-to-get-done weekend for him, because he's got a 13mo to look after.

pictish Fri 30-Sep-11 12:07:41

He is a miserable sod isn't he?
I'd go without him as well. You can't make him feel the way you want him to, lovely though it would be.
Yes, he should want to spend a weekend away in the sun with his wife and children, but you can't make him want to by wishing it.

I'd go without him, and leave his miserable face behind.

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