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to wish dh could show more compassion

(17 Posts)
blue84 Thu 29-Sep-11 08:33:55

Funeral of a classroom assist at dc's school was yesterday. School closed for the funeral. Dh couldn't understand why school had done this. Incidently they were providing cover for those who could not make alternative arrangements. Another example was asking me if i had watched something sad when he saw me crying the day after my mum's funeral.

Pagwatch Thu 29-Sep-11 08:37:23

It isn't compassion. It is empathy he lacks.

Not a great trait. Has he always been like that? Does he know he does it?

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Thu 29-Sep-11 08:40:08

Pagwatch hits the nail on the head, although I am surprised at the school closing.
DH has taught at two schools where teachers have died. Neither closed.

blue84 Thu 29-Sep-11 08:42:32

Not really noticed it before and I am sure he doesn't realise he does it.

blue84 Thu 29-Sep-11 08:43:45

I suppose they closed partly because it an infant school so the children are still very young.

Pagwatch Thu 29-Sep-11 08:46:03

Tell him then.
If Dh had said "why are you crying" the day after my dads funeral I would have said "what do you mean? Is it really possible that you have forgotten that I just buried my dad? Are you aware what an arse that makes you sound?"

If he doesn't know perhaps you need to teach him to engage his brain before he says stupid things

MurunBuchstansangur Thu 29-Sep-11 08:46:55

I am surprised that the school shut too TBH. 

Your mum's funeral is a shocking example though. YANBU, he should have been supporting you. 

tesco84 Thu 29-Sep-11 08:55:46

I ended up just ignoring comment re crying. I was too shocked to speak at the time.

tesco84 Thu 29-Sep-11 08:56:41

Oops. Must stop namechanging.

gethelp Thu 29-Sep-11 09:07:29

Does he show you support in other ways when you're upset? If my dh had said 'did you see something sad' I would think he was asking what the trigger had been to make me cry, but it would be accompanied by a big long hug. Some people just don't have the right things to say when other people are crying, it makes them feel awkward or embarrassed. If he is generally kind in other ways then you might just have to help him to help you when you're sad.
Sorry about your Mum, I hope you did get lots of love and support. 

Pagwatch Thu 29-Sep-11 09:16:23

I can understand that op.

But it is important to flag it and tell him.

If he doesn't know then you need to tell him so that he can change.

If he does know but doesn't care then you need to tell him so he knows you won't tolerate it.

To be honest you can't expect him to change if you say nothing but moan about it to third parties iyswim.

2rebecca Thu 29-Sep-11 09:26:48

I've not heard of a school closing for a funeral before, that seems very odd, and I wouldn't be happy if my kids schools had closed for the day for this, bad enough with snow days and pollling days etc.
He sounds insensitive about your mum though.

reallytired Thu 29-Sep-11 09:33:59

The school I worked at closed for the afternoon for the funeral of a member of staff. The poor gentleman had a heart attack at work and many of the kids were very traumatised. Does the OP husband have aspergers?

mummytime Thu 29-Sep-11 10:45:14

I wondered I your husband was ASD too.

BTW I have known schools shut or shut early for funerals, also to mark funerals in some other way.

worraliberty Thu 29-Sep-11 10:47:05

Sorry, your DH sounds like an insensitive arse.

Proudnscary Thu 29-Sep-11 10:49:43

From ASD to IA (insensitive arse) - love it!

Ephiny Thu 29-Sep-11 10:59:13

I assume the school closed so the staff could attend the funeral of their colleague, not because of the children being upset? Agree not all schools would close for such a reason though.

Really bizarre comment though about asking why you were crying after you mum's funeral confused, surely even someone not very good at empathy (or even with ASD) should know that sometimes people feel quite sad and upset when someone close to them has passed away! Even if they don't ever feel like that themselves and find it a bit puzzling, surely you can't get to adulthood without knowing that it's generally considered a sad and emotional occasion?

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