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about still going when DBro, SIL and DN can't?

(22 Posts)
flickmeoff Wed 28-Sep-11 15:37:34

For the past 5 yrs it has been the plan for Me, DH and DCs, my Dsis family, DBro family and DParents to spend Christmas in DH family holiday home in Switzerland.
In the mean time people have moved, had more DCs and people have made a point to work over christmas period so that they could take the time off around this christmas - so we can all go to the house in switzerland.

DBro told me about a week ago that it wouldn't be possible for him, SIL and DN to come, as they just dont have the money (fine they have moved recently, SIL has been on long term sick, DBro doesn't make that much)

DH told them that if the flights got in the way, there are cheep flight to geneva and zurich and one of us would drive up and pick them up/or they could get the train - this was 'too much faff'

Me and DH then talked and offered to give them the money, which they turned down. then offered to lend them the money (which they could pay back at any time, in instalments if they wished) they also turned that down.

So they can't come - fine, sad but don't want them to get into debt because of it.

Then DBro was talking to DSis and said 'that the DCs (hers) must be very upset about not getting to go to Switzerland'
He seems to have got it into his head that none of us are now going because he can't.
Talked to him and put him right, he thinks this is very unfair and not nice on him or DN.

are WABU to still go? even though he is very upset and thinks it is horrible of us all to go and leave DN out of everything?

AKMD Wed 28-Sep-11 15:40:12

YANBU, go but stop pushing money on your DBro smile

onepieceofcremeegg Wed 28-Sep-11 15:41:06

I can understand him being disappointed but he is not being fair. A mix of circumstances and life choices have meant that his immediate family can't afford it; he is going to have to get used to the fact that sometimes finances prevent people from doing things.

We have similar with my brother. He and his dp have chosen not to do paid work. That's their choice of course (and I don't agree with their choice but not really my business). Anyway, at times it means that they can't join us for certain events/activities. Otoh my work means that I can't always join in on weekend activities, but that is the choice that I have made so I have to put up with it.

Catslikehats Wed 28-Sep-11 15:41:18


StrandedBear Wed 28-Sep-11 15:42:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy Wed 28-Sep-11 15:42:28

Eh? you have offered them numerous options, which they have chosen to refuse... what more can you do? It is their choice not to go, and certainly doesnt mean you should have to stay at hom. YANBU.

ENormaSnob Wed 28-Sep-11 15:44:44


even more so as you have offered help and cheaper options.

AllGoodNamesGone Wed 28-Sep-11 15:48:22

YA definitely NBU.

If they really wanted to go, there are ways round it, which you have suggested and they've rejected, so it would be totally unfair for the rest of you to miss out.


RhinoKey Wed 28-Sep-11 15:54:22


ihatecbeebies Wed 28-Sep-11 15:58:39

Could you offer to take DN with you all so she still gets to go?

kelly2000 Wed 28-Sep-11 16:01:36

He is not going, he could go but it means borrowing money from you which he does not want to do (and I understand this). But whilst he does not want to borrow money, he has no problems spoiling your christmas plans as he does not want you to get something he cannot. At the end of the day it is his choice not to go, and therefore his choice that DN is not going (he may not want to take the money from you, but he could do if he wanted)
Just go why deprive your children of fun. Also how does you not going mean it is better for him. It is not as if you not going means he can go. he is just being a dog in the manger.

SnakeOnCrack Wed 28-Sep-11 16:03:15

How odd! You are certainly not being unreasonable to all still go! Very strange that he thinks that you all won't go just because he (and his family) can't!

seeker Wed 28-Sep-11 16:04:54

Could you offer to take your niece with you?

LIZS Wed 28-Sep-11 16:07:21

yanbu - his choice and it sounds as if he/sil didn't really want to make that commitment even if someone else helped out. he's beign melodramartic expecting everyone else to cancel their plans to suit him.

gapants Wed 28-Sep-11 16:10:37

Is this for real??


Also, I would be careful about inviting DN to go without parents as this might set a precedent of them getting you to take their children off their hands.

BaronessOrczy Wed 28-Sep-11 16:10:44

YADNBU - he is.

Go. Gives them a chance to have a nice peaceful Christmas and you get to have the Christmas you want.

pippilongsmurfing Wed 28-Sep-11 16:12:09

YANBU, and you have offered multiple other solutions to enable him to go.

I think it's a bit odd that he thinks that because he can't/won't accept your offer(s) that no one else will go.

MeriNisipPoissons Wed 28-Sep-11 16:15:56

OP, YANBU your DBro is, you have given him options he has declined as is his right but he has no right to deny everyone else their christmas.

LydiaWickham Wed 28-Sep-11 16:16:50

YANBU - why wouldn't you be going? I don't understand why him not being able to afford it would mean none of you would even consider it to be cancelled. It's your DH's family house, so your family unit going isn't really anything to do with your DBro, if he invites other people who can go, it isn't really anything to do with your DBro if those other people choose to go or not.

If your DBro could afford to go but your DSis said "sorry, we need to go to my DH's family this year." or "we just don't fancy it", would he expect the whole trip to be cancelled?

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Wed 28-Sep-11 16:55:14

YANBU Tell him to grow up.

Lotkinsgonecurly Wed 28-Sep-11 17:00:09

Its his choice not to go despite it being circumstances that are making his decision. Of course you should go.

But if there are spaces....can we come?grin

2rebecca Wed 28-Sep-11 18:27:19

Of course you are going. They are choosing not to go, you are choosing to go. I wouldn't have offered to lend relatives money if they said they couldn't afford a holiday abroad as there is no guarantee they could pay it back and may be saying they can't afford it when they don't want to go or have other priorities.
Different if you are loaded and can afford to give them the money.
Over the coming years it is highly unlikely all families will want to go to switzerland every xmas anyway, this is probably just the first xmas of many when 1 lot will be absent. there are still 3 seperate family groups going. It would be very dog in mangerish of your brother to expect no-one to go because he chooses not to, and a waste of your parent's nice house. If I had a nice house in Switzerland I wouldn't let either of my sprogs tell me I couldn't go there because they weren't going. Mad.

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