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AIBU?

To not allow brother in law to come and stay for 3 nights as we have a 2week old baby

31 replies

benne81 · 28/09/2011 03:22

We live in a 2bed London flat and i have a two week old baby son. It's my first I'm breastfeeding and haven'thad longer than 2 hrs consectutive sleep since he was born - I'm knackered but just about holding it together. My dh younger brother (26yrs) phoned up tonight to say he was going to come and stay from sat to tues to see the baby - he wants to stay at ours. My dad and his wife are already coming this weekend but are staying at my sisters in Surrey. I told dh that I don't think I can cope with someone staying for 3 nights especially not as my dh starts back at work on the Monday and I'm already apprehensive about it. My DH has given me a massive guilt trip and now isn't speaking to me - I just do 't think he understands how tired I am ( he doesn't have to get up in the night as I'm breastfeeding and I've moved into another room). Am I being unreasonable? It's not that I don't want my bil to come but I just can't deal with guest that stay so long at the moment as putting on a front of coping is ok for and afternoon but would be impossible for 3 full days!!

OP posts:

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Jacksmania · 28/09/2011 03:32

Jeez. YANBU. Seriously, you're not. A 26-year-old will not have a clue how you're feeling. Will he expect to be waited on and fed and watered, or is he the useful sort who'll make you tea?
Either way, YANBU.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/09/2011 03:35

YANBU. Your BiL isn't that U since he probably doesn't understand. Your DH, on the other hand, is BU. He isn't speaking to you... I don't normally say this kind of thing on here but he is being a cock. Feel free to show him this post. His ONLY job at the moment is to support you and the new DS. Is his DB likely to show up with 4 lasagne, his rubber gloves and a good attitude? If not, no way in hell.

Pudding2be · 28/09/2011 04:19

Yanbu - and fwiw I would move back into your bedroom so your DP can appreciate exactly what it's like

DecapitatedLegoman · 28/09/2011 05:05

YANBU. Your DH knows that if your baby has a growth spurt you're pretty much going to be on the sofa topless most of the time, right? If not, perhaps tell him ...

PinkSchmoo · 28/09/2011 05:22

YANBU. Ridiculous behaviour on your dhs part. Think you need to move back into the bedroom and get him to do the nappy changes each wake and let you get set up for feeding. Two nights and he won't be up to guests either.

troisgarcons · 28/09/2011 06:15

I cant imagine why any 26yo bloke would want to look at a baby let alone be cooped up in a flat with one (no offence!)

On the otherhand, if he's one of those awfully domesticated ones, just think of him as the 'manny' and give him a set of marigolds and bugger off to bed.

Only you know what he's like; whether he needs constant attention and entertaining or whether he'll pile in and do the shopping for you. And I'd say that about any guest.

One little bit of relationship advice - which I don't normally dish out - and now I'm going to be accused of being a 1950's housewife - move back into the marital bed. You will damage your relationship by sleeping in different rooms and isolating yourself from your partner. Get yourself and the moses basket back in your bedroom. And now I shall be vilified as unnatural and evil personified - express some milk and your husband can do one of the night feeds.

HappyAsASandboy · 28/09/2011 06:21

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

And I'm another one who says (and I'm going to say it loudly) GET BACK IN THE SAME ROOM AS DH.

At least while he us in leave. And at every single weekend. My DH has been in his own room since before my twins were born (I was a mahoosive insomniac!), and he's still not back. My twins are 11 months old. He doesn't understand why I can't do more than the bare minimum each day as he has no idea what it is like to wake up 4, 5, 6 or more times between 10pm and 6am for 11 months. When he does sleep in my room (it's happened about 4 times, he doesn't wake up when the babies cry anyway, and I sit and fume.

DON'T SET OFF DOWN THIS PATH! It's really hard to reverse things once it is 'the norm'.

No, you're not. Ask his brother to visit for a few hours and then leave. Do you have a friend he could stat with for one night?

Inertia · 28/09/2011 06:52

YANBU. And I agree - move back in with DH so he can see why.

blackeyedsusan · 28/09/2011 07:00

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't do it.

not speaking? wwhat an immature prat.

blackeyedsusan · 28/09/2011 07:08

tell him that no amount of sulking and emotional blackmail is going to make it any more possible to have someone to stay.

troisgarcons · 28/09/2011 07:10

OP - a wild guess - to you think your husband asked his brother to come and stay, as he's going back to work and you are apprehensivve about being alone?

Just a thought.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2011 07:11

YANBU... if you don't want guests, don't have them. But why is the assumption that you have to deal with the guest? He's a grown man and he can take care of himself ... or your DH could. And the pair of them could take care of you... make you meals, clean the house, do the laundry etc. When it comes to visiting family I have absolutely no qualms in telling them that they are very welcome but that it's a working holiday and that they'll have to fend for themselves.

Andrewofgg · 28/09/2011 07:27

OP YANBU but troisgarcons was there any need to be so offensive about men who adore their little nephews and nieces?

troisgarcons · 28/09/2011 07:31

Where was I offensive?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 28/09/2011 07:40

Yanbu, probably (although he might be good company - you know the bil, we don't). You dh is very, very unfair in not talking to you. I guess he's disappointed but that's no excuse.

Some shockingly low opinions here of young men here though. Dreadful.

emmyloo2 · 28/09/2011 07:42

Absolutely not being unreasonable.

I had the exact same issue when my DS was born. I told my DH I did not want his younger brother coming to stay when our DS was only going to be a few days old. I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting around the house breastfeeding, crying, etc when his brother was there. The brother can stay in a hotel.

NinkyNonker · 28/09/2011 07:42

Definitely get back to your room, you are in this together, I feel it can be very divisive to split the family. And whilst I agree with trois' advice about expressing I'd wait till 6 wks so you don't affect your supply or cause nipple confusion.

And absolutely not yanbu about the bil.

Andrewofgg · 28/09/2011 07:43

Here

I cant imagine why any 26yo bloke would want to look at a baby

and here

On the otherhand, if he's one of those awfully domesticated ones

When DS was born DW's DB - 25 and then single - was a regular and welcome visitor who did not just coo - although he did that too - but made himself useful, changed nappies, made up ff (sorry about that!), washed dishes, ironed shirts, as requested. We were grateful and he got good experience for when his children came along.

But I suppose you'd call him awfully domesticated and wuld not be able to imagine why he would want to look at a baby!

emmyloo2 · 28/09/2011 07:45

and I think the OP was apprehensive about the DH returning to work because she will be home alone all day coping with the baby, not because she doesn't want to be home alone with the brother. Although that will make it even more ackward because it will be you and the brother and a baby. That would make me feel uncomfortable because I would feel like i had to entertain him...

Firawla · 28/09/2011 09:18

yanbu overnight for 3 days is too much, normally a bil would just come over during daytime. it will be awkward for you bf & not having privacy, your dh should understand that. is there noone else he can stay with nearby & just come over to visit & see the baby

biddysmama · 28/09/2011 09:28

If it was my brother i would say yes, because my brother likes to help and will do anything i ask him to,if it was my youngest sister i would say no because she is complately self centred and will expect to be waited on, yanbu at all but i'd think about it, depending on what the bil is like?

QuickLookBusy · 28/09/2011 09:42

You obviously don't want it to happen, so stick to your guns.

In the first couple of months I think the only people who should stay for that lengh of time is someone who you get on very well with and who you will not feel uncomfortable with when you're sat on the sofa breastfeeding.

Its a tough enough time anyway, you don't want to be having to think about someone else all day.

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golemmings · 28/09/2011 10:10

With both of ours we said no overnight visitors for the first 3 weeks. This caused tears and tantrums from my mother in law - had we not thought she might be able to help? (quite frankly, I couldn't think of anything worse than her trawling through our washing and I'd feel judged if she felt the need to clean but that absolutely is my problem.)

My parents understood completely, came up after 2 weeks, stayed in a nearby pub for 5 days and arrived each day mid morning to keep me company and left again at 4. That was plenty. dad did a number poff the jobs that we never do - cleaning and emptying the bottom of the sofa, fixing the toilet seat (although that ended up with me having to take him shopping to buy a new one...)

Now that we're about to go through this for the second time, MiL has booked herself on a holiday to spain for next week so if the baby doesn't arrive today she'll not even be visiting for the day within the first few weeks, my mum is waiting for a hospital bed to come free and won't be up any time soon and there are a very small number of close friends - generally those with kids, or that I've lived with - who I wouldn't mind staying over should they want to because I know they'd make themselves useful.

I really don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

PiousPrat · 28/09/2011 10:19

I'm going to be generous and assume that since you are in separate rooms and he is not being woken all night, that your DH doesn't really grasp how god awfully knackering that is and since he isn't the one breast feeding, that he doesn't get how draining that is as well, especially when your body is still recovering from giving birth and your hormones are so up and down that they make a bungee jumping pogoist look tame. So I would suggest spelling it out to him. If he still sulks after that, a kick in the bollocks is pretty well justified

Whatever you do, if you don't want your BIL staying, put your foot down and keep it down (on the aforementioned bollocks if necessary). I have a 3 week old. My mother announced she would be coming to visit. It is a long drive so she would be coming for a few days. I managed to put her off until last week so she arrived when he was 15 days old. She stayed for 5 days and the last 3 of those my OH was scared to go to work in case he came home to a mil shaped lump under the patio after I had snapped and stabbed her with her own knitting needles. It will take sometime for our relationship to go back to how it was. Why risk that?

You only get one shot at these first days. Your BIL will only have one first meeting with your baby. Why rush it and risk ruining it with bad feeling? You wouldn't take a cake out of the oven before it was ready as it would spoil it, so why force this meeting before you are ready?

acatcalledfelix · 28/09/2011 10:42

Stick to your guns, tell your DH to stop being such a pathetic prat, and get back into the same room! Just because you are bf doesn't mean he can't help out with all the other things that need to be done during the night wakings. I can't stand men who think that the overnight duties are not their responsibility. You can't just be a father for 12 hours a day, that's riduculous.

My mum came to stay when DS was a couple of weeks old and I was ready to kill her by the end. She just didn't help at all. Plus I'd had a Csection so had to deal with the aftermath of major surgery as well as my first born. It was AWFUL, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Put your foot down!!!!

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