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to not want dh to give ex more money

(159 Posts)
Bebo1980 Tue 27-Sep-11 20:14:50

My dh has a daughter with an ex, they currently have an amicable relationship although it hasn't always been so. We have his daughter frequently, take her on family holidays, she has her own bedroom/clothes at our house etc etc. My dh used to give his ex money informally until several years ago she involved CSA and actually ended up receiving less money than she was originally. Since then my dh has been very conscientious in sending pay checks in voluntarily and making sure he is making the correct payments. What I am trying to say is that he wants to support his daughter and is in no way a 'deadbeat dad'.
When he dropped his daughter off yesterday his ex mentioned that she had started taking her to ballet classes and 'is he going to contribute to half?'. The money is not a massive amount (although I've recently gone back to work full time after having a baby and we are in no way loaded!). The problem is the principle. Is CSA meant to just cover basic living amounts or does it include extras?is she going to continue to ask for more contributions? In my view she took him to csa to ensure she received an adequate amount of money a month and now she wants more.Don't get me wrong I believe that she is entitled to the money she receives but how far should this go and is it worth rocking the boat by saying no?

ll31 Tue 27-Sep-11 20:16:22

well she's his daughter - presumably he'd pay for your childs activities?

Bebo1980 Tue 27-Sep-11 20:18:46

But he gives her a large amount of money each month, doesn't this cover it?

Sidalee7 Tue 27-Sep-11 20:19:03

This is a tricky one. I personally dont ask exh for "extras" but he does give me a lot more than basic CSA payments.

I think "extras" if he does only pay the bare minimum are fair enough. His dd probably wouldnt be able to do things like ballet without him going halves.

StrandedBear Tue 27-Sep-11 20:21:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect Tue 27-Sep-11 20:21:44

I think its his DD as well ,so if he can contribute to it ,he should

LineRunner Tue 27-Sep-11 20:22:10

I am fairly certain the CSA doesn't factor in private ballet classes.

Graciescotland Tue 27-Sep-11 20:24:08

I'd assume that he'd kick in for activities, school shoes etc. Legally he doesn't have to but I assume he wants the best for his DD.

Xales Tue 27-Sep-11 20:25:03

Put her in for riding lessons when you have her and ask the ex to contribute half towards them........

I think that if a child wants to do something then the parents need to find out the costs (with ballet you are not just talking lesson but, clothes/shoes/costumes/exams, it soon adds up!!!) and then have a reasonable discussion on if can be afforded and how much each should pay.

I don't think that one parent should put child in for ballet, swimming, scuba diving, rally driving, present it as a done deal and the other has to stump up 50%. They put them in with no discussion that is their choice and they should pay.

Vallhala Tue 27-Sep-11 20:25:27

What Stranded said.

And please remember that your husband is not giving his ex any money at all.... he is giving it to their daughter.

I hope that he doesn't begrudge his little girl ballet lessons just as I hope that he won't begrudge the child you have with him a similar activity when your baby is older.

StrandedBear Tue 27-Sep-11 20:25:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mercibucket Tue 27-Sep-11 20:26:56

So how does csa work? If it's a proportion of his income n he's well-off then it probably would cover extra curricular activities but if it's a capped amount to cover food/clothes only then I guess he should pay if he can. Then again, wouldn't a better approach be to discuss together if they can both afford it before starting classes?

mercibucket Tue 27-Sep-11 20:26:56

So how does csa work? If it's a proportion of his income n he's well-off then it probably would cover extra curricular activities but if it's a capped amount to cover food/clothes only then I guess he should pay if he can. Then again, wouldn't a better approach be to discuss together if they can both afford it before starting classes?

ll31 Tue 27-Sep-11 20:27:25

I think if you think about how much you pay - or will pay = for your childrens activities over the years, its not static - some years they'll develop new interests, and there'll be much more costs etc.. Its the same for your dh other child as it is for his child with you. They're both his children and both therefore deserve his support

StrandedBear Tue 27-Sep-11 20:30:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lifechanger Tue 27-Sep-11 20:30:36

My DP will pay half of reasonable stuff like ballet/swimming but drew the line at a pony because it was simply too much for him to afford. He'll pay half of the more expensive school trips as she gets older as long as it's discussed first rather than presented as a fait accompli. And of course as long as he can find the money to do so.

StrandedBear Tue 27-Sep-11 20:31:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop Tue 27-Sep-11 20:31:49

Why did your dh's ex involve the csa in the first place? And why did yor dh then decide to decrease his payment to the minimum he ca legally get away with? Was it to punish his ex for involving the csa?

YANBU in that any contribution from your dh should be discussed before lessons are booked though.

belledechocchipcookie Tue 27-Sep-11 20:32:02

Goodness, the child is half his! hmm He should contribute towards clubs and activities which enrich a child's life.

StrandedBear Tue 27-Sep-11 20:32:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

What are the figures? They say it costs £200,000 to raise a child to age 18. So half of that would be £100,000. Divide that by 18 (years) and you get about £5555 a year. That's about £462 a month.

So if he's paying about £462 a month, then YADNBU to question whether you should have to pay more.

After all, it is only fair that each parent should contribute half of what it actually costs to raise the child they made.

Vallhala Tue 27-Sep-11 20:33:31

"And why did yor dh then decide to decrease his payment to the minimum he ca legally get away with?"

Bloody good point, SHPP.

AuntiePickleBottom Tue 27-Sep-11 20:36:01

I think it should of be discussed before the other parent committed to a child having extra activities.

If you can afford to commit extra money then I would

WinterIsComing Tue 27-Sep-11 20:36:23

Agree with that. If he could previously afford to contribute more, why did he stop, and why not put would he used to pay towards an activity for his child?

Bebo1980 Tue 27-Sep-11 20:43:07

My dh is on a middle income and the amount taken off him is significant. We are both currently doing overtime to ensure that BOTH our children receive the things we need and we spend significant amounts on both of them.
Vallhala, i use the phrase giving money to his ex because that is how the payment works, not because i believe she spends the money on herself.
I am not some kind of money pinching witch, we have spent a lot of money at solicitors ensuring that my dh has reasonable access to his daughter over the years. While I believe this was well spent it has not left us with an endless supply of cash.

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