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AIBU to not want my sister to be friends with my ex and his wife?

(116 Posts)
ImmyM Tue 27-Sep-11 15:21:22

Hi, it's a really long story but in summary:

Met ex at work years ago, I also worked with my sister's boyfriend and he was friends with my ex (although not best buddies).

After 3 years together I caught him with another woman, a friend of his who lived with her boyfriend. He begged for forgiveness and I foolishly stayed with him, but a few months later he finished with me- his OW had split with her boyfriend and wanted him now. I was completely devastated by this, we had just bought a house together and I had given up a lot to be with him (moved away from friends and family, gave up my home, cost me about £30k). He moved her in 2 weeks later and they have gone on to get married and have a child.

Fast forward a few more years, I am married to my DH and have a little one on the way. Life is good :-)

BUT it irks me that my sister and her boyfriend are pally pally with my ex and his wife. It seems they are better friends than when I was with my ex, we rarely went out together but they seem to be spending more and more time together. If the shoe were on the other foot I would not be so friendly to people who did such a horrible thing to my sister. I can understand that her boyfriend is still friends with my ex but I don't get why she has to be so pally with him and his wife?

Her view is that they have not done anything to her and so why should she hold a grudge?

AIBU to think she should have some loyalty to me?
AIBU to still be bothered about this after all this time? (I mean it has been about 7 years!)

woowoo2 Tue 27-Sep-11 15:24:29

YANBU. My sister wouldn't dream of even giving the time of day to somebody who had hurt me and vice versa

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 27-Sep-11 15:26:03

It has been 7 years and you had the best revenge (to live happily) but I think I would still be a bit shock at my sister. However, if they want to be friends with your X total wanker they will and you need to find peace with it.

AKMD Tue 27-Sep-11 15:26:22

YANBU, the 'they haven't done anything to me' line is trotted out for being friends with bullies of all ages, school upwards, and it hurts and is pathetic every time. There isn't much you can do about it but I would be hurt too and not think too much of my sister's loyalty.

microfight Tue 27-Sep-11 15:32:42

I have had a similar situation with a break up (no-one did the dirty but still difficult for both parties nevertheless. I would question your sisters loyalty and probably distance myself somewhat. Sometimes siblings are people who we'd dump as friends if they did the same thing.

ImmyM Tue 27-Sep-11 15:33:06

Thanks, I feel so foolish for thinking about it. Reason it has come up again is that it's my neice's birthday party this weekend and I have just received a text from my sister saying "Btw ex and wife are coming on Sunday, she's 4 mths pregnant too!"

Great. I'll probably leave early then, I find it really awkward (dunno why I do, he has no problem with it) and so does my DH.

Arrrgggh wish he would just go away.

AKMD Tue 27-Sep-11 15:35:09

Just don't go and tell your sister why. Throwing you all together like that is not kind.

shineynewthings Tue 27-Sep-11 15:36:50

I think YAB a bit U: Try looking at it this way:

Yes your ex treated you very badly agreed.

BUT he did actually marry the other woman, suggesting that apart from his cheating, you both were genuinely not matched.

They have had a child together. You are happily married and soon to have a child of your own. So ultimately you have ended up in a happier place.

Your sisters boyfriend was alreadly friendly with your ex before it went badly. Now both of you have moved on with your lives and are in happier situations.

Doubtless your sister thinks you'ved moved on past the bitterness which is understandable; after all you say you're happy to be married to someone else now and expecting.

Are you really happy? Then put the past to bed and let your sister live her life. I don't think you have any right to feel angry towards her after all this time. It's not a recent break up.

ClaireBear54 Tue 27-Sep-11 15:39:25

Poor you. I have an almost identical situation with my sister and my ex. I was really cross with her last week when I found out that she and her DH had invited us all to a party (including evil ex and his wife who he had cheated on me with and their new baby. My DH and I are about to have IVF...). I also mentioned the loyalty thing and her not-terribly-charming reply was that I should have got over it by now (I am happily married this year to my DH). But the point is, I'd NEVER invite someone who had hurt her by being unfaithful like my ex did me.....Microfight's point about dumping siblings as friends is very true at times.....YANBU at all. It sucks and you've every right to be hurt and annoyed. As I was. Am sending you a brew.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 27-Sep-11 15:40:56

I don't think i'd be able to deal with this well either. I probably ask DS to go over earlier to give DN her present, but leave before the party started. If DS ask why, it's fair to tell her you feel uncomfortable having to socialise with a couple who treated you so disgracefully and deceitfully. Her choice if she wishes to, but totally unfair to just expect you to.

AKMD Tue 27-Sep-11 15:41:04

shiney I really disagree. The OP's ex cheated on her repeatedly and then dropped her like a shot, moving his OW into her house. If they weren't well matched, he could have ended the relationship before she bought a house with him, not led her on until something better came up. That kind of behaviour is best forgotten, which cannot happen if your sister is throwing you together at family occasions. I'm sure the OP would be well moved on by now if her sister didn't keep throwing them together at house parties.

Hullygully Tue 27-Sep-11 15:41:44

she is an arse

Whatmeworry Tue 27-Sep-11 15:41:56

YANBU to be upset, or wish your sister could be a bit more sensitive
YABU to think she will be changing her life for you.

Don't go, arrange another time, tell Sis why. She needs to understand your POV.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 27-Sep-11 15:42:02

How does that phrase go, "by their friends you shall know them"?

Your sister sounds a bit thick TBH. "Her view is that they have not done anything to her and so why should she hold a grudge?" Most sensible people tend to think "If they can do that to her what would they feel comfortable doing to me?"

I don't think I'd feel able to go to neice's party sad. Your sister really shouldn't choose to put you in this position.

ImmyM Tue 27-Sep-11 15:42:07

shiney- that's exactly how I think I should feel, but for reasons unbeknown to me I don't!

I haven't really spoken to my sister about it because I feel completely ridiculous. I had a very volatile relationship with my ex, he was very controlling and I was unhappy with him.

I just think she should know not to like them grin

ImmyM Tue 27-Sep-11 15:44:38

and I am not missing my neice's party because of that arsewipe. It's her 1st birthday smile

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 27-Sep-11 15:49:26

Maybe ask to something else really fun with her for her 1st birthday, like soft play, rather than have to socialise with Mr and Mrs Fuckwittery.

ImmyM Tue 27-Sep-11 15:50:29

clairebear- that's awful of your sister, I know how I feel and I'm not going through IVF brew right back at you.

Maybe it is the hormones. Bah.

shineynewthings Tue 27-Sep-11 15:53:43

I'm not saying the O.Ps ex didn't treat her badly, he really did behave like a bastard, but how long do you remain resentful towards your ex's when you've moved on and are genuinely happy? If I was with someone and they got upset seeing their ex and their partner at a party I would question why they felt so emotional about it still, or even if they had unresolved feelings.

Sorry if i'm sounding like a cow O.P. But I actually think you should stay at the party and confront whatever it is that's still getting to you about the situation. If you leave early or don't attend, your ex wins again and it just proves to him that he can still get to you.

As you said he's not bothered. Once you do it once it'll be easier to put the whole thing to rest. You'll see them together and wonder why you're even bothered. Live for the now. Life's too short.

Just my opinion.

Whatmeworry Tue 27-Sep-11 15:54:19

I am not missing my neice's party because of that arsewipe. It's her 1st birthday

Still think you need to make a strong point to your sister about him and your unwillingness to have anything to do with him going forward - anyone who is that selfish, unfaithful - and costs you £30k - is not an idle dislike or touch of hormones

largeginandtonic Tue 27-Sep-11 15:56:36

Hmmm i have an almost identical situation too. It has been 5 years now.

I have tried to move on, i really truly hold no bitterness towards my ex and his wife BUT y'know it just iirks me.

I wouldn't do it to her. She would go MENTAL if i did.

I have given up tbh. Life is too short to be upset about it anymore.

shineynewthings Tue 27-Sep-11 16:02:14

x posted

I think I understand better. Your sister never really took your side did she, and she seems disloyal. Probably there's not much she can do if her boyfriend still keeps the friendship, but I think you should tell her that you feel a little betrayed by her 'neutrality'.

"I had a very volatile relationship with my ex, he was very controlling and I was unhappy with him."

See! If anything you should feel nothing but disdain at his overall cheating patheticness. If anything he did you a favour, imagine you could still be with him!

Now that should make you really shudder.

ImmyM Tue 27-Sep-11 16:08:36

The thing is, I don't really think about him- like other posters have said, it's worked out nicely for us all.

I just wish he would vanish off the face of the earth smile I don't do being friends with exs as a rule and to even be civil to this particular ex is just beyond me.

As for DH feeling upset about it, he knows the situ, and he thinks it would be weirder if I actively looked forward to seeing him.

I must had it to them though, I would not have the audacity to go if the circumstances were reversed.

LydiaWickham Tue 27-Sep-11 16:13:01

Actually, this is the best time to make a stance, your DN is too young to actually understand what's going on and miss you, but your DSis will see this as a major thing for you to miss, as will your family.

Tell your sister you aren't prepared to be in the same room as your ex and the woman who was shagging him behind your back, although you are 'over it', it doesn't change the fact this man hurt you repeatidly and this woman has such a lack of morality she wasn't prepared to tell him to end his relationship with you before starting one with her - these aren't nice people, and you're shocked your sister trusts them.

Tell the rest of your family why you can't be there.

Alternatively, go and loudly say to ex, "Gosh, it's such a wonder you and OW are still together! she's cheated on everyone she's been with, it must be you are her soul mate, mind you, I'd be sure to get a DNA test on that one she's carrying, leopards don't change their spots and all that! Ha ha!" then to everyone else "Oh, didn't you know? I used to be with X, he had a couple of affairs with OW - she dumped him the first time for, now, what was your boyfriend's name? Then when we'd just bought a house they started it up again. I guess they're meant to be together. Don't they make a good couple?" (Actually, please don't do this, just in your head)

Spero Tue 27-Sep-11 16:15:35

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. I would feel exactly the same in your position and would be very disappointed in my sister. He behaved appallingly, he is not a nice person and he hurt you. All very well saying it was 7 years ago, you've got to move on - but has he ever acknowledged the wrong he did you? Apologised?

I really don't see why it has to be the responsibility of the victim to hide her hurt and make everything ok for the fuckwit.

BUT she is your sister and I don't think there is anything to be gained from making a big deal out of it. She is clearly not much cop. I would go to the party, be polite but distant and try to avoid at all possible gatherings with the ex.

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