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AIBU to ask exH for £10 every two weeks for 18 year son?

(85 Posts)
CreamolaFoamless Tue 27-Sep-11 13:55:49

I'd appreciate your thoughts on this please.

DS1 is 18 and just started college.

ExH and I have always had a good relationship since we spilt up 10 years ago and had a joint custody arrangement for DS1 so there were no issues with 'maintenance' whilst he was growing up.

However for the last 2 years DS1 has stayed at my house, he goes out and meets his dad but hasn't stayed there (due to new wife and tiny bedroom)

So this week, my DS1 came through on Saturday afternoon and announced 'We've not got any food left that I can eat in the house' . I'm skint until Thursday so had to phone his dad and ask 'can you take DS1 out shopping and pick up some food for him'

He did but there was much humming and hawing i.e he's 18 why should I still be paying for him he's old enough to work.

I have never asked exH for penny until Sunday but I feel a bit annoyed at his attitude and response and feel like saying 'you are working fulltime and have a rich wife' I'm skint at least chuck a fiver a week in your son's direction

AIBU for thinking this??? In my head I keep jumping from being enraged to feeling quite petty so I'd appreciate other peoples views and insights blush

woowoo2 Tue 27-Sep-11 13:57:27

YANBU, your son is still in education. He should pay maintenance

ColdToast Tue 27-Sep-11 14:02:22

At 18 I would expect him to have a part-time job, depending on what's available in your area. However, this doesn't mean that his father should be able to wriggle out of taking any responsibility for his son.

Shakirasma Tue 27-Sep-11 14:05:23

Given your sons current circumstances, your ex is liable for maintenance.

However his wife's financial status has got nothing to do with it, the responsibility is his dads alone.

LaWeasel Tue 27-Sep-11 14:12:48

I think if he's still in education your ex should still be paying - unless it is a part-time course? In which case perhaps suggest your DS goes job hunting, would probably help you out more than arguing with your ex about money.

Harecare Tue 27-Sep-11 14:17:45

At 18 he should be looking for a part time job - at that age I earned £70/week potwashing. If he's in full time education you can still get help with tax credits etc. Until he has left education your exh ought to help with maintenance. His rich wife is not liable for anything.

CreamolaFoamless Tue 27-Sep-11 14:18:48

Thank you .

it does seem like a switch has just flicked in his (ExH) head where he suddenly thinks 'DS1 is 18 , he is responsible for his own finances now'

We never had 'maintence' from either side ....we both had joint custody .

I just think it would be nice if his dad gives him a fiver or so a week seeing as he doesn't stay at his house anymore but ExH seems to be washing hands and thinking 'let him sink or swim he's 18'.....

I have always had a lot of time for my ExH and we are good friends but his behaviour and attitude on this one has just made me totally confused

sausagesandmarmelade Tue 27-Sep-11 14:22:04

YABU the boy is 18 and should be contributing to the food budget....

You shouldn't expect your ex to start paying him £5 a week

chicletteeth Tue 27-Sep-11 14:25:21

What your exH new wife earns is irrelevant and frankly, none of your business.
However, if he's stillin FTE then his dad should be paying something.

Do you have a court order or anything?

Shakirasma Tue 27-Sep-11 14:27:52

I can see both sides tbh. If you take this to the CSS you will get maintenance until your son is 19. You are perfectly entitled to do this.

However his dad is right in some ways, your son is a man now, and more than capable of working a part time job around his studies. If he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to act like one, that includes financing his own food if what your cupboards contain is not good enough for him.

Shakirasma Tue 27-Sep-11 14:28:14

CSA...stupid ipad

CreamolaFoamless Tue 27-Sep-11 14:30:02

blush sorry about the rich wife comments......that's just something that pisses me off when my exH pleads poverty!

She is an okay person

pearlym Tue 27-Sep-11 14:43:58

if son in full time ed and no longer stayng with ex, then ex shuold give yuo some cash each week for food etc for him. Even if not in full time ed, if can't get work, ex shuold helpo him out a bit if he can afford it.

TheOriginalFAB Tue 27-Sep-11 14:47:01

Have your circumstances changed that you suddenly can't afford food for your son? His comment about not being anything to eat, is it really him being fussy?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Tue 27-Sep-11 14:54:35

Well if he's not being staying with his dad for the last 2 years doesn't that mean that his dad should have been paying maintenance for the last 2 years?

You could always go online and work it out.

Someone said he has to pay until he's 19. Don't know if this is true.

CreamolaFoamless Tue 27-Sep-11 15:05:09

TheOriginalFab...........it was a combination of things.

He is a really fussy eater .......which is a whole different thread, but there was plenty of food in the house just not food he would eat !

My circumstances haven't changed, it was a miscalulation........i thought he had enough of 'his food' for the week but he eat it with his mates in one evening?

I suppose I'd just like his dad to go 'here a fiver for food whilst youre in college'

CreamolaFoamless Tue 27-Sep-11 15:07:33

jesus h christ I cant spell or do grammar

bemybebe Tue 27-Sep-11 15:08:01

WTF his wife's finances have to do with it?????????/

RitaMorgan Tue 27-Sep-11 15:12:31

It does sound like his father should be paying maintenance if your ds is in full time education.

On the other hand, buying special food for a fussy 18 year old is ridiculous!

AmberLeaf Tue 27-Sep-11 15:14:09

His wifes finances do hve something to do with it in the sense that the EXDH would obviously not be living in poverty if his wife is rich.

OP yes your EXDH should contribute given the change in circumstances since your arrangements were made ie no over nights.

If I were you id encourage DS to get a part time/weekend job though.

unpa1dcar3r Tue 27-Sep-11 15:17:34

Can't see why X is making an issue about of a few quid personally, especially as son no longer stays with him.

However I do think your son should be paying something towards his keep. If he is in college there is no reason why he can't get a PT or weekend job.

Sounds like he's lazy to me. All mine worked whilst at college, eldest had 2 jobs whilst at uni to pay her way. Doesn't hurt them to appreciate the value of money by earning their own.

altinkum Tue 27-Sep-11 15:17:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NestaFiesta Tue 27-Sep-11 15:20:41

YANBU. Your DS is in full time education and your exDH hasn't given you any money for him for two years. You sound very reasonable and you sound as if you and exDH have handled your split amicably.

What would irk me is that your exDH doesn't seem to WANT to help his son. I'm all for kids getting part time jobs, but surely that shouldn't be just so he can eat? your ex should want to help, not pull faces at a reasonable suggestion. Whys should he sit back and let you pay 100% of the costs?

sue52 Tue 27-Sep-11 15:24:12

I'm all for teenagers getting weekend jobs but the part time jobs most of us had as youngsters don't exist anymore. Your ex should not begrudge his son a few quid.

bemybebe Tue 27-Sep-11 15:26:31

"His wifes finances do hve something to do with it in the sense that the EXDH would obviously not be living in poverty if his wife is rich."
Amber Whilst people who do not help their children make me sick, I still do not understand why his new wife should be contributing anything. Whilst the ex is happy to sponge off his new wife (good for her! hmm), I am not sure how you can force her to pay for the maintenance of an 18yo. Seriously weird logic.

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