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To be annoyed with my inlaws and childcare arrangements

(217 Posts)
Wholeofthemoon Mon 26-Sep-11 14:07:21

I am a long time lurker and this is my first post so please be gentle. I would really welcome some honest opinions as I am not sure if I am BU.

My inlaws live about 300 miles away and have decided to visit us this half term. Both myself and my DH have to work that week and we normally rely on my parents, who live about 30 minutes away, to help out with the childcare of our two DD's, 10 & 8 when we cannot take time off.

When my inlaws said they would be coming for half term and knowing that we would both be working, we assumed they would be happy to spend time with their grandchildren as they don't see them very often and would have them for the 4 days.

As they are booked into a (very expensive) hotel 5 mins walk away, I asked my DH to check the details with them this weekend over the telephone such as what time they would arrive in the morning etc as I need to be at work by 09:00

They gave the reply they were not happy to look after the children that early as they have paid for an expensive hotel and didn't want to waste it! They want to turn up later in the morning (presumably having had a lovely breakfast, swim etc).

So, I have now got to ask my parents to drive 30 mins to my house to look after the children until their other set of grandparents are ready to take them out. AIBU in being absolutely livid that they do not want to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance and only want to do it on their terms?

Just a little back history, my inlaws do lay on the guilt that they don't get to see them often, so I am shocked they have said no. I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!

bibbitybobbityhat Mon 26-Sep-11 14:10:05

You are expecting your inlaws to look after your two children for four whole days when you and dh are at work, yes?

chicletteeth Mon 26-Sep-11 14:11:18

Do you really need to be told why?

Andrewofgg Mon 26-Sep-11 14:11:19

You get what they give. That's how it is with grandparents.

SandStorm Mon 26-Sep-11 14:12:08

I think the problem is that you assumed - did you at any point ask your inlaws or did they ever actually offer?

MogandMe Mon 26-Sep-11 14:12:08


You shouldn't have assumed they would offer f/t childcare
You should have checked when they made the arrangement

CMOTdibbler Mon 26-Sep-11 14:12:19

Book the girls into holiday club, and tell the inlaws you'll be pleased to see them. Sorted.

lildeg Mon 26-Sep-11 14:12:27

Hmmm I can see both sides, I'd say no to the shared days care between your parents and the il.
I'd tell them that's not convenient and they would need to b there at 9 would they consider one or two FULL days? That way they still get their holiday and to spend quality time with their gc

chicletteeth Mon 26-Sep-11 14:12:37

So they shouldn't bother coming, even if they don't see them that often, because they won't look after them on your terms.

You sound like a lovely DIL hmm

Tee2072 Mon 26-Sep-11 14:12:53

Really? You don't know if you are being unreasonable? Well, you are.

SenoritaViva Mon 26-Sep-11 14:13:54

I can see both your point of view and theirs to be quite honest.

Presumably if the in laws weren't there then your parents would be looking after your children anyway? And I can understand your ILs wanting to make use of their expensive hotel, as much as they are grandparents and it would be lovely to have bounds of enthusiasm to look after your children, it is not necessarily their role to be care givers whilst you are at work.

TryLikingClarity Mon 26-Sep-11 14:14:04

>When you assume it makes an ASS out of U and ME.<

You assumed they would mind your DC for the 4 days, but didn't actually ask them and they didn't tell you that was their intentions.

So I don't think they are BU....although I could see how you'd imagine they'd want to help out, esp if they don't see the DD's that often.

I think your last sentence is a bit petty (although I would prob leap to that myself in your situation!) and wouldn't do much good for the family if you told them to shove it!

Talk to them, don't assume, and try to reach a compromise on number of days and times, if possible.

chicletteeth Mon 26-Sep-11 14:14:12

Just curious like, what has the cost of their hotel got to do with any of this?

witchwithallthetrimmings Mon 26-Sep-11 14:14:52

could you drop the dds at the hotel so that they all can enjoy it?

YANBU but i don't think this is the issue here as you will not get them to change their attitude and trying too will be too upsetting.

Squitten Mon 26-Sep-11 14:15:29

I'd very annoyed if my kids just expected me to be their childcare without having had the courtesy to ask me first. Spending time with their grandchildren is NOT the same as being a childminder!


TheSecondComing Mon 26-Sep-11 14:15:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupandtired Mon 26-Sep-11 14:16:23

I think you're BU to expect them to look after them. It's also unreasonable for you to even consider asking your parents to make the drive to look after them until their other grandparents take over.

I think your only option is to say to your IL's that it will be a shame they won't be able to spend quality time with their grandchildren but seeing as there'll be no-one to look after them from 9am til whenever they'll obviously have to go to your parents as per usual but they're welcome to go and pick them up from there if they want to see them.

You can't possibly ask your parents to do this.

Hmmm although it seems like a lot of faff YABU for making the assumption that they would be there and not communicating it clearly.

I would just carry on with arrangements you would have made normally. If your parents would have taken them places can't the PIL's just go along aswell?

chandellina Mon 26-Sep-11 14:16:42

i think I would have made the same assumption so I'd say YANBU.

can you drop off the children at the hotel? they might like a swim too!

redskyatnight Mon 26-Sep-11 14:16:56

There's a difference between spending time with one's grandchildren and looking after them for 4 whole days. As a PP has said, the mistake was yours in "assuming" that they would be happy to look after them for the whole time. Now you've asked, they've explained what they are willing to do (which is more than a lot of grandparents would do).

I wouldn't ask your parents to look after them for a short while - that seems very unfair on them. Could you not ask a neighbour/friend nearby or you or DH go into work a bit later on one day. Seems like you want everyone else to run round to fit in with you.

NoobyNoob Mon 26-Sep-11 14:18:46


Never ever assume!!! They still have have they might want to do, not look after the grandchildren.

When PIL (DH's Mum and my Mum live abroad) come over, I never ever assume that they'll look after DS for us!

tabulahrasa Mon 26-Sep-11 14:19:12

So you expected them to get up at about 7 in the morning, get dressed, rush down and get their breakfast (presuming it's served that early) to get to your house in time for you to leave for work...without actually asking them to? hmm

Wholeofthemoon Mon 26-Sep-11 14:19:19

Sorry, I should have made it clear, they moan (to my DH) they don't see enough of the children, we don't visit them enough etc (we do). I thought this would make them happy.
Thank you for your comments.

LiegeAndLief Mon 26-Sep-11 14:19:45

YAdefBU to have assumed anything.

My parents came to see us recently and stayed in a hotel nearby (despite there being room for them here). They got up quite late, had leisurely breakfast etc and it was at least mid morning before we saw them.

I didn't begrudge it at all because they were having a holiday and they have done relentless 24hr childcare with me and db. I know some gps enjoy having their dgcs all day but my parents prefer taking them to the park for an hour or two and doing all the fun bits without any of the drudgery. As I will enjoy doing if/when I am a gp!

You can't possibly think they don't love your dc because they don't want to get up at 7am on a day off (and presumably sort of holiday, in lovely hotel) and come and look after them all day, surely?

redskyatnight Mon 26-Sep-11 14:19:57

Incidentally did your ILs know in advance that you and DH would be at work all week? If they don't see you all that often, they might well have expected for you to take a couple of days off (you = you and DH)?

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