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To be a bit creeped out by this?

(45 Posts)
morrisseysquornmince Mon 26-Sep-11 10:26:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardyMow Mon 26-Sep-11 10:34:23

Might be a good idea to repost this in the Teenagers section - someone over there will have more suggestions for you and your partner on how to broach this subject with him, and have a discussion about how real relationships are.

aldiwhore Mon 26-Sep-11 10:39:11

It must be weird for you to know that this child is starting to turn into an adolencent.

I wouldn't worry TOO much, but do think a chat about respecting women, the difference between porn and real life, and fantasy and reality are called for.

I remember my brother having a stash of sticky magazines at around this age, and as his younger sister, was totally creeped out by it. He certainly wasn't damaged by it, and I think he developed into a decent man because my folks had a loooooong chat with him about the realities of life. They used the example of horror films and westerns... its okay to watch them (at some point) but they are not really REAL and he won't get far in life if he tries to recreate it in real life! It seemed to work.

valiumredhead Mon 26-Sep-11 10:39:27

I can't get my head round going to bed before a 12 year old, why was he allowed to stay up so late?.....................

Did you really think porn on the internet was just boobs and bums? Yes you do sound naive, sorry.

I don't think he has a 'filthy mind' as you put it, but the internet is a very easy was to view porn and if he is curious it's all there to look at at.

I don't know what the answer is apart from only letting him on the computer in the family room, I think a complete ban is unrealistic, won't he have homework to do at some point where he will need access to the computer?

Oh and get filters put on the computer asap! wink

I'm sure others will have more experience with teens and have good advice.......

RIZZ0 Mon 26-Sep-11 10:41:17

Tis the curse of the internet and all it offers, I do worry about this for when my son gets older... I suppose once they get over the initial shock, he could get used to the images getting more and more explicit with less and less shock.
He is being curious but I can see why must make you feel odd around him.

When he was 10 my friend's younger brother and same age next door neighbour used to steal all the "page 3"'s and any other explicit pictures they could get their hands on and hide them in an oak tree near our houses to go and pore over after tea. I suspect if they could have seen more explicit stuff they would have nabbed that too tbh.

They are both perfectly lovely men now smile

You can't take the images out of his head unfortunately, but it might be a good opportunity to discuss it and the issues surrounding it.

valiumredhead Mon 26-Sep-11 10:45:20

I do think there is a HUGE difference between 'lads' mags and page 3' and what is on the net, it is SO easy to see extremely graphic stuff.

Really, really worries me tbh, although ds is still at the age where he thinks sex is something you put up with doing so you get children grin

aliceliddell Mon 26-Sep-11 10:45:33

I'll be going through the same quagmire of confusion with dd any day now; I'd appreciate any advice on good websites etc. I'm now of the opinion that they'll get info on sex somehow, so our only choice is between good or bad info, not none. Am I overly defeatist on that?

piprabbit Mon 26-Sep-11 10:53:18

Does he have a phone? Is he sharing images with friends?

TBH I think that you have let him down by failing to install the necessary protection on your computer. I don't think he is any different from any adolescent boy in history, becoming fascinated by sex. The big difference is the free availability of porn with which he can explore that fascination - his father at a similar age probably had to make do with the odd smutty mag, and possibly an old copy of his mother's Cosmo.

The CEOP website has lots of useful information for parents and children on how to use technology safely.

You might also want to watch this clip from parentchannel.tv, which talks about how to understand and handle it when you find your teen is watching porn.

morrisseysquornmince Mon 26-Sep-11 10:53:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aldiwhore Mon 26-Sep-11 10:55:59

Pre-internet there were still a lot of grubby graphic videos doing the rounds.... I once put 'Animal Farm' on in front of my Granny thinking it was not the porn version. Fortunately as soon as I realised the Classic doesn't involved shagging a chicken I switched it off and Granny didn't seem to notice!!

My brother was always coming home with videos that had fairly 'classic' titles, but the content was extremely graphic.

It is more accessible, and there's more of it, but as a parent or step parent you do have a duty of care to make sure that its not completely easy to view... parental controls!!

morrisseysquornmince Mon 26-Sep-11 10:57:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piprabbit Mon 26-Sep-11 10:58:03

Um, I love American Dad but I don't think it's suitable for a 12 year old. Especially watching it alone and late at night. It has a lot of very adult content.

valiumredhead Mon 26-Sep-11 10:58:50

Yeah, I accidently watched a video while babysitting when I was 12, it was just next to the telly in a pile of videos!

Still remember it now 30 years on - blerk!

Aldi grin

I share your pain OP my ds did eactly the same thing, we put filter on and restricted veiwing and checked his history regularly but like you it was a jolt that he was growing up and i felt very creeped out at seeing him as not my cute little boy but as a functioning person on edge of manhood, still feel a bit urghh at thinking about sex and DS and he's 18 with a girlfriend now.

lesley33 Mon 26-Sep-11 11:06:19

He doesn't have a dirty mind! He is a normal 12 year old boy who wants to look at naked women and sexual content. It is true he is no longer your little boy.

It is very very easy to look at very graphic porn on the net. And tbh I would imagine difficult to find porn of the type you refer to - breasts and bums.

I think this is pretty normal behaviour. What would concern me is that porn gives boys an unrealistic image of what sex is like and girls sexual responses. It can also normalise in boys minds more extreme sexual behaviour.

I think your DH needs to talk to him about this and have a look for any educational material on sex and sexual responses suitable for a 12 year old, but that educates about real sex and sexual responses.

sparkle12mar08 Mon 26-Sep-11 11:10:33

He's 12 yo, you should have ensured he was in bed before you. Defying his dad? Then dad forcibly puts him in his room, sorry. And with an adolescent in the house you should have had filters and parental controls on all computers long before now tbh, first rule really. And take away all leads and batteries if you can't trust him, then at least he's only got the telly to play with if he gets up silently later. I assume you've got parental controls on your telly if it's digital and/or satelite?

As to the emotional impact of finding him looking at porn, it's very hard to see our children growing up. Knowing what we know about ourselves and the world, and knowing that we can't stop them growing up and being part of that world. Porn is particularly insidious though and I can sympathise enormously with the shock of seeing his actions in a sexual context. It is disturbing and it will take a little while to adjust to the 'new' him for want of a better word.

Badtasteflump Mon 26-Sep-11 11:30:17

I feel for you OP. My eldest son (who is now absolutely lovely again now we have, thankfully, got past the worst of puberty!) was caught (by me) looking at porn on our pc when he was about your DS's age. I was really shaken up by it at the time - and like you I felt really upset and strange around my son for a while. It was as if suddenly he didn't seem like 'my innocent little boy' anymore, and TBH I found it a bit gut churning that he wanted to look at things like that.

DH was much more understanding than me and helped me get my head around it all - probably because he can remember being 'there' himself at that age (not with the internet, obviously; more sneaking around with dodgy magazines he'd pinched from his older brother!). Once I'd gotten past the embarrassment it gave us an opening to sit down and talk to him about getting older and what's acceptable and what's not - we talked about the whole porn industry and the rights and wrongs of it, etc (not easy but am glad we did).

We also realised then we'd been pretty green about internet safety and got a good safety filter installed - as well as a block on some cable channels which are fine during the day but at night switch over to some distinctly dodgy programmes shock

Your son doesn't have a 'filthy mind' IMO. He is just curious about sex, as are all boys his age, and by not putting any restrictions in his way, you unwittingly left the door open for him to have a good snoop around at the darker side of sexuality. Doesn't make him 'filthy', just curious, nosey and probably a typical teenage boy. You will feel fine about your son again soon, honestly smile

Andrewofgg Mon 26-Sep-11 11:36:00

And don't blame the Internet. Forty-odd years ago I had a stash of Mayfair and such like but I was careful to keep it in sealed envelopes which my DM would never open. (In any case I was expected to keep my own room as tidy as I cared to have it which was not very!).

squeakytoy Mon 26-Sep-11 11:38:23

A 12yo boy trying to get a look at porn is normal. He doesnt know that the content is a lot more graphic than it used to be in the good old days, he has no way of knowing.

However, leaving a 12yo to their own devices while you go to bed is silly.

KRITIQ Mon 26-Sep-11 11:47:31

Piprabbit's suggestions are good and this film clip might also be useful. Pleasure vs Profit

On the other side of it, I do alot of work with 11 and 12 year old girls, who are experiencing heavy pressure from boys to engage in anal sex, group sex, bondage, violent sex from boyfriends and to replicate things that boys have seen from pornography. What's worrying is that they are already seeing what's depicted in hardcore porn as "normal," and something they have to accept, regardless of how that makes them feel.

Young people often make their own videos of sexual activities and share them. That's illegal and if caught, they can end up on the sex offenders' register.

I think parents, teachers, youth workers, etc. are running to catch up with something that is happening largely behind their backs. It's important to talk with both boys and girls as early as possible, long before they are likely to be exposed to hard core porn. If they don't have trusted adults to help them make sense of what they see, help them make informed decisions about what their own sexuality will become, I worry that the consequences will be pretty devastating.

JeremyVile Mon 26-Sep-11 11:50:47

You are probably right to have expected just "boobs and bums" in that thats probably what he was hoping for the first time but once someone goes looking for even the most chaste of images on the Internet, what they'll get is graphic, full-on porn.

I feel sorry for him, and all the other kids who are curious and get far more than is healthy for them to process.

But hey, so long as men grown ups get to access images of strangers fucking any time they feel entitled to do so... That's the important thing. Sorry and all that, kids.
hmm

jade80 Mon 26-Sep-11 11:55:55

Apart from the other issues, which other posters have pretty much covered, is that a standard bed time for him? If so it will be having a serious negative effect on his ability and readiness to learn at school. 12 year olds need much more sleep than that.

JeremyVile Mon 26-Sep-11 11:58:41

Try not to be freaked out by him op, he wont have had a clue what images he would see the first time he accessed this stuff. And then once he's seen it, how is he supposed to unsee it and decide (at 12) that he wants to see less? he's already been desensitised to it.
Its not his fault, its the fault of every adult that contributes to the porn industry.

morrisseysquornmince Mon 26-Sep-11 11:58:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buttonmoon78 Mon 26-Sep-11 12:04:32

He needs to be in bed before you. If there's something suitable he wants to watch that's on later then surely you could record it?

Get filters and parental controls now.

He is a normal 12 yo boy - curious and thinking about sex quite a lot. It is your responsibility as parent and step-parent to ensure that he does that in a safe age appropriate way.

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