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To Tell The School to Take it up With XH

(37 Posts)
Minus273 Mon 26-Sep-11 09:49:12

At dd's school they have water bottles in class. They are not allowed juice in case it spills because it would be sticky. They can have juice with their lunch though. About once a week XH will take her to school and always gives her juice. The school are understandably not happy and I am fed up reminding him of the rules. He is very much of the I'll do what I want camp.

Next time the school complain WIBU to tell them to take it up with him as I am fed up being made to feel like a baddie for something which is outwith my control.

kelly2000 Mon 26-Sep-11 09:51:18

Give them his number, and tell them to take it up with him as you have told him, and you always give ds water.

FetchezLaVache Mon 26-Sep-11 09:52:25

Of course YANBU! He's clearly not listening to you. Have the school twigged it's always on daddy days that she turns up with juice?

Bloodymary Mon 26-Sep-11 09:53:27

YANBU, tell them that you cannot control what he does, however daft it may be.
Our school is exactly the same, in fact little girl has water with her lunch as well.
Why can he not send her with water? Is he trying to rot her teeth?

Minus273 Mon 26-Sep-11 09:53:38

They don't seem to have twigged yet even though I now write in her homework diary who has her. It may click eventually.

aldiwhore Mon 26-Sep-11 09:55:11

Buy a plastic bottle that's not see through and is spill proof. Hand it to EX, tell him to use it if he insists on giving juice AND give the school his number (surely they've already got it though?).

My kids will not drink water. They won't drink it even if they're thirsty and dehydrated. I don't give them juice... but weak squash, in their bottles.

Makiko Mon 26-Sep-11 09:55:28

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Makiko Mon 26-Sep-11 09:56:28

Message withdrawn

Minus273 Mon 26-Sep-11 09:59:07

I have told them. Everytime I complain I tell them that I always give water, that its her Dad that does it when he has her and I have tried telling him. They just tell me to tell him again, which tbh makes him more determined. Her bottle is opaque btw but they check them.

Minus273 Mon 26-Sep-11 10:01:41

I mean every time they complain.

FetchezLaVache Mon 26-Sep-11 10:02:33

Sounds like he's amusing himself by deliberately sending her with juice, to get you "done" off the teachers! Definitely tell them to take it up with him. Do they have a particularly frightening teacher they could send round?

startail Mon 26-Sep-11 10:04:59

Defiantly just get school to send him a bossy note if they must. But really why do they have to cause these fights.
DD has taken squash every day for six years although it's vaguely against the rules. The head has suddenly decided to go on the war path about it. I wish him luck.
DD has squash because she will not drink water, I've tried for 9 years! She will drink nothing for the whole day even if it is really hot.
Sadly I know who'll win this one and it's not the head, he thinks DD is very well behaved, mostly she is. She is also unbelievably stubbournsmile

ShoutyHamster Mon 26-Sep-11 10:12:33

When they tell you to tell him again, smile and say no, you have done that, they will from now on need to contact him - as the parent they have the issue with - directly.

If they persist, ask them why they consider it to be your responsibility, and point out that you are divorced. Ask them if they can set out for you, in writing, exactly what their position is in assuming the boundaries that exist between divorced parents.

You could also as an aside point out that every time you tell him, it seems to make him more determined to flout the rules (with a sigh...) - if he's going to be a childish arse, you may as well just tell them that. It's why the situation exists, after all - don't protect him. Let them know the real situation. But be firm in that you aren't going to be the go-between here.

Makiko Mon 26-Sep-11 10:15:48

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Makiko Mon 26-Sep-11 10:17:13

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slartybartfast Mon 26-Sep-11 10:18:03

i dont know, i think you should ignore it. why is it worth the stress?
it is no big deal. ignore it.
does your dd have 2 letters, one for each of you?
can you organise that?

fedupofnamechanging Mon 26-Sep-11 10:21:01

Have you seen the head teacher about this? I'd be inclined to discuss this with him/her and ask them to get the teacher to stop bringing this to you. If the head is the one who keeps raising this with you, then put your position in writing and copy the governors.

I also don't get why they can't just replace her juice with water. They are making far too much of this imo, when it is easily solved.

LRDTheFeministDragon Mon 26-Sep-11 10:27:19

That's pretty rude of the school to assume it's your problem! I agree with makiko - your ex is probably enjoying it and he is probably hoping to prove he doesn't have to agree with the rules. Childish, and not your problem.

Badtasteflump Mon 26-Sep-11 10:27:49

YANBU. It's out of your control so the school needs to talk to your ex if it's really that important to them.

I'm in your situation startail - my youngest doesn't like that taste of water and never drinks it at home. She drinks plenty of juice, weak squash, milk, whatever, but would go all day without drinking anything if water was the only option (I did try to do this when she first started school).

So now she has weak squash in her classroom bottle. As I'm a sneaky cow it's in a coloured bottle rather than a see-thru one, so nobody's noticed yet grin

CardyMow Mon 26-Sep-11 10:29:07

I have had this problem before, though with late marks rather than juice in the bottles - I just give the class teacher a note outlining which school days my dc will have come from their Dad's, and remind the class teacher that I am not responsible for getting the dc to school on those days. And any snooty letters about my dc getting late marks should be directed to the parent that is GETTING them there late, NOT me, as I come from 3 times the distance by public transport, and STILL manage to get my dc to school on time.

I refuse to accept any responsibility for my Ex-H's total inability to get out of the door on time. (A big part of why he's my Ex-H!).

Makiko Mon 26-Sep-11 10:55:19

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SuchProspects Mon 26-Sep-11 11:15:44


Where parents can work as a unit for their DCs despite a divorce then I think that's probably better for everyone. But it's clear here that the father isn't going to. I do feel a bit sorry for schools being expected to run about more now than in the past, it's an additional expense and it probably drives them a bit potty. But the increase in divorce is one of the things that has made women and children safer than they were 40 years ago. The extra cost to society is well worth it.

PickleMyster Mon 26-Sep-11 11:38:59

Schools have to promote healthy eating/living which is probably why the school is being so picky regarding drinking water instead of juice - the school probably don't want OFSTED to pick up on it during an inspection.

YANBU to expect the school to address any problems that they have with the parent/adult who is causing these problems
If I was in your position I would be thinking that I have told the teacher on X amount of occasions that it is out of my control and then I would go to head-teacher and ask why you are being scapegoated for someone elses behaviour? And that you want it stop!

Good luck

startail Mon 26-Sep-11 14:28:01

Badtasteflump, I get the feeling a large number of DDs class mates are also taking dilute squash or juice in various non transparent bottles and lying.
I just wish they didn't have too, I'd prefer school set rules that were workable.
Sorry OP we digress, but believe me part of the reason I have this problem is that DH drinks squash rather than tea, so it's never been possible to forget to have any in the house.
He is always thirsty and won't support me in having a battle with non water drinking DD, he says it's mean not worth it and we won't win. So if the head continues to be a pain he can deal with it.

Honeydragon Mon 26-Sep-11 18:12:15

Can you tell her not to bring her water bottle out on those days? Advise the school of this and they can help her fill it from the fountain.

DS's school avoid the juice issue by insisting that water bottles arrive on Monday and leave on Friday. In Reception they fill them, after that it is their responsibility.

It means they know they all have water smile

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