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Mt dp and have fallen out over his family saying his parents dont see the kids enough

(16 Posts)
incrisis Mon 26-Sep-11 08:47:13

and blaming me?,my argument is I work in the days and my ds goes to a childminder in the day whilst I work,she used to look after the kids but it was to much and I did not want to rely on her.

I have homework and afterschool activities,as do most parents,so its not always possible to do,and im so tired and want to just collapse at the end of the day,if we go over for dinner we are not home till 6.30 and then its bath bed etc.

I work at the weekends so they come over then,and I have said to dp Sunday is family day as my partner works long hours this is when we can be a family just us,this did not happen this weekend as plans had been made for my kids with a friend already and he was doing a job for them.

Me and Dp have fallen out as I did not want them over ,they come over anyway as they had not seen the kids but I argued not for dinner,to which my child repeated to them on the phone.

I went out in the end as I looked the bad guy and left them to it,I have reached the point where I can not take anymore,and feel they are in control of everything I do and dp seems to supports them,and not back me up.

We are saving to get married and last night I called it off saying I have had enough,as they are hinting they have no money,and he said he would lend them it,even though they have not asked yet,I know he would not tell me if they did.

When we arer out he pays for things with his family and I feel peed off that Im skint and suffering.

I try to include her with the kids ,but she discusses everything with sil,and then they give there opion especially as my ds is not going to a playgroup .

She looks after the other gc and picks up one from school,soon as she sees my kids she takes them off me to collect the gc so we have to wait and talk, it just feels so controlling.

I feel I cant breathe aibu?,

incrisis Mon 26-Sep-11 08:58:20

Bump anyone

slavetofilofax Mon 26-Sep-11 09:08:09

YANBU.

I think it sounds like a marriage preparation class would help. You need to be making joint descisions about money, and if you don't agree to helping his parents out, then it doesn't happen. Simple as that.

As for the rest of it, does your dp usually agree that Sunday is family day (for your little family, not extended family)? If so, you have to make that a firm commitment and make plans for those days, even if the plan is just to stay at home and watch a film or something. That way, anything else that comes up is a change to the plan, rather than just something that came up because you had nothing else on.

I think in your situation I would see them one weeknight each week, and just let them complain if they think that's not enough. Your life isn't in existence to keep your in laws busy with visiits from the GC, one a week is enough. If they don't like it, they can lump it. Same as you have been forced into doing up until now.

gapants Mon 26-Sep-11 09:10:41

Sorry I am having alot of difficulty reading your post.

What is the problem exactly confused?

YOu need money fro the wedding from them?
YOur MIL and SIL gang up on you?
Your PILS want to see the kids at a time that is not good for you?

scarletfingernail Mon 26-Sep-11 09:14:17

Of course your MIL wants to see her DS and grandchildren and of course you're also entitled to spend time with your family alone.

What is needed here is compromise. I agree that given your working situation you are right not to see her in the week, that means you do need to make the effort at the weekend. If you work on a Saturday your DP and DCs could see her every other Saturday while you are working. Then, every other Sunday you could all see her. I guess it's not so important to have it rigid like that as it's nice to retain some flexibility, so you could say twice a month on a Saturday without you and twice a month on a Sunday with you. As for in the week, if there ever was a weekend where it was not convenient to see her, could you suggest that she comes to yours instead of you going to hers? That way you can get on with stuff as normal while she plays with the DCs.

As for her discussing things with her DD, you're going to have to let that go. She will have opinions that differ from yours but there's no need to let them affect you. I used to bothered about my MIL comparing my parenting decisions to that of her DDs, now I just ignore it and life is better as I'm not winding myself up seething inside all the time.

The money thing is the real problem here and the fact that you believe your partner would not tell you if she asks for help. You need to discuss this properly with your DP so that he understands how you would feel if you found out he had been helping her financially without discussing with you. It is important that you both agree on what help if any you are willing to offer. If you think he would go behind your back on this then I think you are right to hold off on the wedding.

incrisis Mon 26-Sep-11 09:20:50

Sorry No we are paying for the wedding,he is saving for a house,im saving for the wedding his parents have hinted they need to use the last of their savings.

Partner has said if they ask ,they can borrow,im angry as im so broke all the time.

I try to involve mil but she tells sil everything about my family and kids.

Sil will ask how much mil spends on her kids and then ask how much is spent on mine.

Pils have obviously been moaning that once a week is not enough to see the kids and dp is lying saying nothing has been said after he spent the day there,and the kids were not with him.

Chopstheduck Mon 26-Sep-11 09:30:32

That's part of having inlaws! When do you see YOUR parents?

You def need to sit down and work out finances together.

If your MIL wants the kids, why not let her pick your kids up from school or the cm. She can have tea time with them, then bath them and bring them home ready for bed. You then get a break, and she gets to see the kids.

dreamingbohemian Mon 26-Sep-11 09:35:40

I think you need to break this all down into several different problems.

For example, the money thing. If you are stressed about saving money, then perhaps you can postpone the things you are saving for (or get rid entirely, you don't need to spend a lot of money for a wedding). I can see why from your perspective it would be annoying to have your partner spend your savings on his family, but many other people would look at this and say he's being a loyal and loving son. And really, if his parents really are broke, then it would be kind of rude to spend a lot of money on a wedding and not give them any money to help them out.

I'm not sure I understand about your work -- do you work full-time during the week AND weekends? If so, that is indeed a lot and your ILs need to respect that.

But for example, you say if you go to theirs for dinner, you don't get home until 6.30 and that's very late for you. This sounds somewhat unreasonable, a lot of people don't get home from work until 6.30 or later every day.

I guess it is hard to tell who is being unreasonable from your posts. It's not unreasonable for them to want to see their GCs, but it's not unreasonable for you to want them to respect your time and choices.

But you need to find some compromises and figure out how to communicate better, for the sake of your family.

Whatmeworry Mon 26-Sep-11 09:36:42

You and DH both need to get a pair.....and yes the rest of them are BU

incrisis Mon 26-Sep-11 10:31:17

We dont really see my parents that much,something I am used to,they are there if I need them.

We are not having a big wedding more like a registrey do and meal,although not worried about this right now the way I feel.

I dont want to go there in the week as the kids have afterschool clubs,we have done it before and it was a nightmare.

I may need to get a pair Whatmeworry but when you tell them things they take it personally and again im the bad guy as usual and treated like.

They have looked after the kids but I then got a childminder as it was easier and my child was not being cared for the way I liked.

I only work part time but then full time the weekends so have little time,dp works late from 7.30 to 9pm at night so family time is very important.

dreamingbohemian Mon 26-Sep-11 11:22:41

You may have been entirely right to get a childminder, but I imagine this was really offensive to them, if they were happy to care for the kids themselves. Probably a lot of their behaviour comes from this feeling to begin with. I'm not saying you are wrong to do so, just that you may have to try to smooth things over about this. If their feelings are hurt they are not going to be rational.

It also sounds like a lot of problems come from the fact that your DP works so many hours -- this means you can't see the family together during the week and you don't have a lot of family time. Is there any chance he can work a bit less? I think you need to make this point to him -- that it's not fair for him to make demands about seeing his family, when his work situation is creating a lot of time pressures for all of you.

TheProvincialLady Mon 26-Sep-11 11:29:52

It sounds like you are not ready as a couple to get married yet, if you can't agree on basic things like finances (it is very concerning that you think your partner would give money to his parents without your knowledge, and I also strongly disagree that you are in any way obliged to give them money when you are clearly short yourselves).

If I were you I would work on not caring whether your in laws think you are the bad guy for not spending as much on your chidlren as your SIL, for not letting them see your children more than once a week etc etc. What you need to do is agree these things with your partner and make sure you are both happy. The opinions of your in laws are just that - opinions, and you are entitled to ask them to keep them to themselves.

squeakytoy Mon 26-Sep-11 11:31:54

If you work full time at the weekend, then why cant your partner take the kids to see them while you are at work?

2rebecca Mon 26-Sep-11 13:31:20

I think once a week is pleanty and would be letting husband take kids round.and you don't sound ready to get married and have kids together...

brodanbell Mon 26-Sep-11 13:46:29

How often would you be happy seeing the PIL? I'm not getting a positive vibe that you would like to see them regularly at all? Which is a shame, as they are your DC's GP's, and should be a part of their lives, and if you are getting married then they are around to stay. Are you willing to compromise? You say you work part time and that if you go around to PIL's you are not back until 6.30pm, which to be honest doesn't sound late at all. What time are you finished work/home during the week? As others have suggested, why not invite the PIL to you one night a week, that way you are on your territory and the transition to bath/bedtime won't be so difficult. They don't have to go to after school club every day do they?

incrisis Mon 26-Sep-11 14:12:31

Im being honest I dont want to get married yet and yes we are not ready and if we dont sort this out we will split up.

I got a childminder as I was being told they do alot for us by fil,so was told we should be so gratfeul which I was ,I started to feel resentful just decided it was easier to get a childminder.

I dont want them here in the week as they are so controlling and take over and make me feel awful.

He does not take them over there, as I have the car for work,they will come and get them usually once I have left.

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