to ask who does the disciplining in your house & what works for you?(16 Posts)
Does 1 parent take over the responsibility more then the other? Do you get cross at the way your partner handles situation or are you both in control and agree with each other?
Does the naughty seat work for you or talking to them calmly? A smack or taking the child's toys etc off them? ETC ETC
I'm generally interested in what works for other people and what in YOUR opinion seems to be the most effective
My kids are 17 and 12, Dp is the biggest softy ever. I am sure they could burn the house down and he could find an excuse Strangely my dad is the same. My kids are older now, and when I give them 'the look' they are instantly contrite and behave, but when they were younger the naughty step worked.
Whichever parent is around does the job.
We always present a united front, though this is because we are on the same page when it comes to discipline.
Both of mine seem pretty chilled out so don't need a lot of telling.
We don't have a naughty step, we use 'go to your room' mostly. DS2 is only 18 months, so hears 'No' a lot and gets moved along, he has had toys removed that he has been 'naughty' with, but this is mostly to stop him doing whatever it was he was up to, though he certainly views it as a punishment if the resulting tantrum is anything to go by.
Well technically we both do, but TBH the kids don't listen to DH. So it's usually down to me and is achieved by lots of shouting.
Theoretically we present a united front and we don't actually often disagree with each other's decision. But I do have more authority. Dh often sounds weak and petulant rather than firm; it's just something about how he uses his voice.
As long as SAHM never, ever says You just wait until your father gets home - or of course the other way round but that is as we all know less common. Working father/mother must not be turned into an ogre/ss.
99% of the time it is me that does the main discipline, this is due to a couple of factors -
1) I am the main carer as my dh works far longer hours than I do
2) school issues; as I am a teacher my dh feels that I am more aware of what needs to be addressed etc
3) he lets them get away with murder sometimes!
4) dh is an only child and admits he does not understand sibling dynamics in that one minute they can be at each others throats and the next minute 'loved up and sticking up for each other'
5) the way we were both brought up for example, I am a stickler for table manners and not leaving the table until everyone has finished whilst dh was not raised with this
however, there are occasions that he does take the lead and it has seemed to be in more obvious in 'boys issues' (i.e. I think that they are all smelly, disgusting creatures !)
Me! I'm a LP.
Zero tolerence on my biggies works for me and letting the little things go - which often involves me counting to 10 so I don't sweat the small stuff!
We present a united front always.
We never did naughty step and I can't imagine we ever will. That said, I don't mind a time out/exclusion style thing for sibling squabbles - the 4 year old has on occasions been sent to his room for this and my nearly 2 year old has been put separately in a room with a stairgate for a short time on about 2 occasions, which is essentially the same thing, I just don't like the idea of trying to keep them on a step I guess!?
That doesn't happen often. Usually, with the 4 year old I will tell him what is wrong, tell him what I want him to do, warn him that he must do that or go to his room or have the thing taken away or whatever is relevant.
That said I try not to do arbitary punishments or threats if natural consequences can drive the lesson home more effectively. Obviously, if the natural consequence involves being hit by a car, then no, I'd rather do an arbitary punishment or threat to drive the lesson home, or simply intervene and have a discussion (more often than not)
I don't sweat the small stuff, but I have zero tolerance on some important things, and a more softly slowly approach on other less important things but things that I feel should be learned by school age. Things like treating my bedroom as the haven it should be, not messing up the bed or bouncing or shouting and squalling in there; go to your own room if you want to bounce around and be a nutter. Not life and death, no punishment as such, but gentle reminders, etc. That's one example. Wheras, climing on the kitchen table is zero tolerance, as its a safety thing. End effect is the same - they will not do it eventually, some things take longer than others, but the things that are simply inconvenient I just do a softly softly approach (but consistent) and the things that are very important are zero tolerance.
This means you are not constantly always always saying no and having arguments or nagging, but not letting children rampage round your house calling the shots either.
Works for me and our lifestyle, at this stage.
That said there will be times where you feel like you are always saying no, nagging, and the children are always rampaging!
Me mainly - similar reasons - dh is never here due to work, so i do all the care, fun, feeding etc. We have rules tho to avoid the asking daddy if mummy says no tho. that works really well - sugary cereal/ pain au chocolat etc at weekends only, no going downstairs til you're dressed (school days) etc etc.
When DS was a child every request to me met with the answer ^Have you asked Mum?" and vice versa (unless obviously the idea arose on the spur of the moment) and if one had said No the other said No. So it rarely happened.
What got me pissed off was when we had to apply the same rule to MIL. We were due to give her a lift home from DW's cousin and it got a bit misty. So she asked me to leave now, and I said No. And a moment later DW tells me that Mummy wants to leave now and she had not told DW that I had said No. Just like a child but without a child's excuse!
Both of us, but I'm SAHM ATM so usually me.
We do the same thing (counting to 3, taking toy away, time out as req'd)
DS can on occasion run rings around DH so sometimes I have to step in and sort it out. Actually I usually achieve this by a combination of shouting and then listening, so he knows what he's got to do (eg. brush teeth. NOW) but also calms down as I've heard what he is trying to say. I don't know what DH does
Me I'm a LP!
Time outs for bad behaviour. Biting, hitting,scratching...straight away in the naughty corner. Other things like taking food to eat on the sofa rather than at the table - you get asked once then if not done you get taken to the table.
I try not to make too many issues of things and DD has little chores she does. She lays the table for dinner, loads and unloads the washing machine (if she is around and wants to), sweeps the living room floor (again, if she is around and wants to) whilst i clean the rest of the floors. These are the things she likes doing. The only thing that can be a bone of contention is when i ask her to do things and she wants to watch her cartoons. Then the threat of the tv going off can be a good threat.
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