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AIBU for my dp to not message women on fb?????

(24 Posts)
RhianEmma Sun 25-Sep-11 16:30:02

Was on laptop before and dp hadnt logged out of his fb account.
There on the chat window(which doubles up as private messages now with the new layout) was a series of messages suggesting by him that him and this woman should go out for a drink ,and that he really misses 'old' times and that he wishes it was 15 years ago again,this could be a mid life crisis and that hes feeling old at 40 ,but even so this has upset me a lot i feel sick .things havent been the best at times but its not flowers and chocs all the way through!!!!
Or am i overreacting and should i be glad nothing has happened ,and ive found out in time ???

AgentZigzag Sun 25-Sep-11 16:35:15

Have you asked him about it yet?

I'm feeling old at 40, but that would not excuse me if I started messaging an ex saying what he said.

It's not OK for him to do that to you.

splatapus Sun 25-Sep-11 16:35:55

Was this someone he knew before he was with you then?

I would be raging to be honest.

mankymink Sun 25-Sep-11 16:37:54

Sorry, that would make me feel sick too. Call him on it and ask him what he's playing at. It's certainly not ok, even if he has no intention of seeing this woman there are obviously some issues that need to be discussed.

luvviemum Sun 25-Sep-11 16:38:52

He's bang out of order!

As for feeling old at forty, he needs to get over it. He could live to be a hundred so he's going to be feeling old for a long time if that's the case.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 25-Sep-11 16:43:37

I'd bin him. Saying that he wishes it was 15years ago is basically saying he's not happy with his life now. And his life now is with you. He didn't even care enough about you, to be discreet in his on line chatting up of some other woman.

Really sorry, but he sounds like a knob and you (like everyone else) deserves a partner who thinks that being with you is the best thing ever.

CheerfulYank Sun 25-Sep-11 16:52:29

I'd be extremely upset and call him out immediately.

Sounds to me like he's trying to start something.

A long and honest conversation is in order.

RhianEmma Sun 25-Sep-11 17:18:46

I havent spoke to him about this,him and dd are downstairs watching tv,ill do it later when dd is asleep.
as far as i know he was friends with this woman before he met me ,but not sure if anything happened ,id hate to think he thinks shes 'the one who got away '...
thanks for input anyway

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn Sun 25-Sep-11 17:27:49

He'll try and make out it's all your fault Rhian - be prepared for this and be ready to refute him. Men can be pathetic when they get caught out, just like naughty children.

pippilongsmurfing Sun 25-Sep-11 17:34:01

Sorry, but I would be fuming. How would he react if he thought you were pm'ing other men on the quite?

Time for a talk I think.

40notTrendy Sun 25-Sep-11 17:39:00

YANBU. Out of order and you need to discuss. Glad you can have a bit of time to think about what to say. Know how you feel, when we first went on fb a few years ago, DH found his ex- girlfriend from uni. They msg'd each other, there was absolutely nothing to make me feel uncomfortable but it still felt odd. (the email notifications come to our shared email address so I wasn't snooping!). I don't feel old - see my mn name!

beatrixkitto Sun 25-Sep-11 19:20:32

I could have written this post 4 years ago. Exactly the same messages, he told me it was just a laugh, we had been together 7 years and had a 5 year old dd. He was out the door as fast as his lanky legs would carry him. Have been married to dh now for nearly two years with another dd and another on the way. I don't know how to thank fb enough! [Grin]

wildhairrunning Sun 25-Sep-11 19:21:58

Update op? He is out of order by the way

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr Sun 25-Sep-11 19:38:51

I don't know actually, I wouldn't like it and tell him I would prefer he didn't do it because it makes me feel bad. But it could really be genuinely harmless. Dh and |I sometimes talk about how we wish we were 19 again (which was before we were together) but that's about feelin like you could go out and not worry about bills,babies,pregnancies. Nothing to do with how we feel about our relationships.

IvyAndGold Sun 25-Sep-11 20:21:22

Hope things are OK OP. Trust your instincts!

lemmein Sun 25-Sep-11 21:04:51

Am I missing something? I don't understand why people are saying he was out of order from your OP.

I bumped into an old school mate a few weeks ago in a pub, the last time I seen him was 20+ years ago. We sat outside for a bit, had a bit of a catch up and went our separate ways.

I messaged him the next day (on FB) to say I'd really enjoyed our catch up, it was nice to see him, etc and he replied saying we'd have to do it again sometime. I'd be mortified if his wife read those messages and thought something was going on. This lad used to be one of my closest friends, we have never been romantically involved - he was more of a brother to me, neither of us see each other in that way. It was nice reminiscing about old times, it doesn't mean I hate my life now - far from it.

Ask him about it, it may be totally innocent.

RhianEmma Sun 25-Sep-11 21:22:51

update:Ive not asked him about this yet ,i guess im too chicken .i want to be strong and not cry like a baby which i may well do as im upset.little one just this minute gone to sleep (hyper)
i thought myself it could be innocent but the woman said something along the lines of oh im fatter now than what i was you might not like me ,and he replied with kisses which he NEVER does not even for me sad
its not looking good is it

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr Sun 25-Sep-11 21:24:58

no, it doesn't look bad it looks like a guy (of a certain age) trying to flirt. Which again can be totally harmless (if a little bit sad and embarrassing)

IvyAndGold Sun 25-Sep-11 21:25:50

<squeeze> for you sad
Just make sure you get everything that you want to say straight in your head first, there's nothing worse that 'Oh, I wish I'd said that!' afterwards!

LDNmummy Mon 26-Sep-11 00:21:48

That's dodgy.

booyhoo Mon 26-Sep-11 00:27:17

i wish i was 16 again. does that make me bad?

look OP youknow your DH ad you know if he is the type to try and start somthing with an old flame or if this is genuinely him reminicing wit an old friend about goodtimes they had.

i have friends i would love to see again ad if i got contct details for them iwould getin touch,both male and female BTW. but if iwas in a reltionship, i woulbe totallyopen about it whichyour DH hasn'tbeen. that wouldconcern me. butagain, you know him. is hethe sort ofman to sneak like that?

Is she an old crush? I say this because as a teen I had a mate who was absolutely NEVER a love interest, but he had a crush on me and it was always sort of obvious and there, but he never actually tried to act on it so I never had to be harsh. Fast forward 15 years and we chat on facebook a bit - he came to my wedding with his fiance and they are now married with two kids and a third due soon. His messages are a bit awkward for me really, because they all sort of sound a bit wistful for the old days and it is clear that because he never actually got to be with me, I have become a sort of perfected form of myself in his mind. I keep everything very family orientated and actually just let him send the messages where he is distressed and scared (he didn't want the third child and has panicked, I helped encourage him that it would be fine as I have three)... I know I would be very unhappy if my husband acted like this guy does, chatting to an old female friend, but I also know my messages to him are nothing other than cheery, helpful and that even though he posts xxx's on them, I don't respond the same.

I guess what I am trying to get at is, whilst it may sound bad from just seeing the message like that, I would bide my time and keep it monitored because he may just be letting off steam and having a brief reminisce. If you are really worried you could suggest you ALL meet up... I was supposed to be seeing my old friend and his wife (who I befriended on facebook as well even though I don't know her) and kids recently, but when she couldn't make it I cancelled. I'd be more concerned by what she writes than what he writes, to be honest.

Hope it isn't as bad as you worry.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 26-Sep-11 10:04:11

I would be the other way around flying. The other person owes nothing, but a partner owes you loyalty and fidelity. I would hate for my husband's fidelity to hinge on the 'other woman' being a better person than him.

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