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to not give DF any financial security?

(86 Posts)
TheDetective Sat 24-Sep-11 19:09:13

Long story short. I am 26. DF is 21. I have a 9 year old DS. I bought this house in 2008, and it is just me on the mortgage (was with DS dad at the time, but bought it solely by myself). This is my home, and DS's home. I will never ever get a joint mortgage with DF, and will not tangle any finances with him.

I don't want to follow in my mothers footsteps. She has been divorced twice, and both times lost a lot of money due to property - she lost the family home when she divorced my dad when I was 9 years old!

As a result I feel the need to be independent of any man. I am the main wage earner, and he doesn't earn enough to contribute towards household expenditure - he pays for his own things, I pay for my home, and me/DS. I like it this way - it means I am in control for my future, my DS's future, and any children I may have down the line. If we have children, I don't see much changing, other than him contributing towards childcare costs, and the costs for the child/ren.

The upshot for DF is that he will never own his own home while we are together, and should anything happen between us, he will find himself starting from zero so to speak.

I worry because I don't want to do this to him, I want him to have financial security, but I am making this impossible for him really. I won't compromise my childs home by allowing anyone a chance to take it away from him/us.

Am I being unreasonable? Probably - but its out of fear...

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beamur Sat 24-Sep-11 19:12:56

As above - if you get married, then it is joint property regardless (I think).

Kayano Sat 24-Sep-11 19:12:58

Well it's no way to live IMO. I understan where you are coming from but I feel if you go into a relationship thinking like that and everything separate forever it'll only make things harder?

I dunno sos

larks35 Sat 24-Sep-11 19:13:58

If I were your DF I would question what this means about your trust in me and our planned(?) future. If you don't trust him enough to share finances why are you marrying him?

Saying all that, I don't think yabu as you do have yourself and your DS to consider.

Conflugenglugen Sat 24-Sep-11 19:14:55

You may well keep the home in your own name, absolutely. But I think any divorce court would consider - not necessarily grant - sharing an asset at an agreed ratio if one of the couple were to walk away significantly less well-off than the other.

NinkyNonker Sat 24-Sep-11 19:15:11

I don't know. But I can imagine the response if you were a man posting about your female other half. Does he show signs if being feckless? If you are married and live together in a home with him contributing then I think it becomes a marital home.

belledechocchipcookie Sat 24-Sep-11 19:15:14

When you marry you can come to a settlement that does not include the house, monies only. In the mean time you need to make sure that he never pays towards the mortgage, any alterations or any repairs. Legally, he'd be entitled to any proceeds from the house if he did this. You're not being unreasonable at all. He won't own the house with you when you marry, he's not on the deeds/registered with the land registry, just make sure he pays nothing towards the house.

Conflugenglugen Sat 24-Sep-11 19:15:29

I am writing from current experience.

TheDetective Sat 24-Sep-11 19:16:08

To be honest, I don't think I will marry - I never married DS's Dad, and we were together 8 years. He asked me to marry him, and I said yes - but I just don't see it happening. Too scared - and too expensive!

I don't think it makes much difference in law whether we are married or not tbh - its if you contribute to the household. Must look this up though.

lisad123 Sat 24-Sep-11 19:16:59

I can understand why your like this, but think once you are married you need to reconsider it!

carabos Sat 24-Sep-11 19:17:50

YANBU. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing. My situation is similar although I am much older than you. It is DF responsibility to secure his financial future, not yours and if he can't do that, that doesn't mean you love him less, just that you view him as what he is - an adult individual, separate from you and your DC. IME doing this takes a huge amount of politics out of a relationship and leaves both parties clear that theyare together for no other reason than they want to be.

TheDetective Sat 24-Sep-11 19:18:57

The house is actually in negative equity anyway, and probably will be for the next decade - so tbh I am not all that worried about it now - more for the future. Not that I have any thoughts that we won't stay together - I love him to bits, and he is my world, we've been together 2 years. But, my sensible head - experienced head - takes over when it comes to financial matters. Must take after my dad........

DoMeDon Sat 24-Sep-11 19:20:32

YABU - what are you scared of? It's not just financial as you say you're scared of marriage. Life is a risk. If my DF treated me as anything less than an equal I would be off.

fluffles Sat 24-Sep-11 19:20:37

If you marry and live there then (in Scotland at least) it becomes the "marital home" and he will have as much right to live in it as you, you cannot just throw him out and you can't sell it without his permission - but if he doesn't pay towards it he's unlikely to get money from it's sale after a divorce. .

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 24-Sep-11 19:21:49

Sorry, but if you're married to someone all the property becomes the 'marital assets' and is potentially evenly split in the event of a divorce. There would be some variablity based on length of time married, amount contributed etc. but basically, the longer you remain married the more even the claim becomes. You know that bit in the service about 'all my worldly goods I thee endow'? It's not just words.... it's a very serious contract.

If you feel the way you do, and you have major doubts about any partner, don't marry them and don't row your finances in with them. Easy

olddog Sat 24-Sep-11 19:21:51

If I was DF then I would be pissed off that you were already planning on what happens when the relationship ends but I can see your point.

Does he earn enough to pay half the bills etc. excluding mortgage and still have a bit left over to save in his name?

TheDetective Sat 24-Sep-11 19:24:12

Nope - I earn more than 3 times what he does - what he has is enough to pay for his car, daily living expenses, and anything he needs, like new clothes, car repairs, mobile phone top up. That is pretty much it - there isn't any of his money left at the end of the month, and he doesn't waste it.

TheDetective Sat 24-Sep-11 19:24:58

I don't have any doubts about him, I just have doubts that I would be doing the right thing for my child by risking his home in such a way.

featherbag Sat 24-Sep-11 19:25:05

I don't know either of you obviously, and can only comment on what I've read, but to me you don't sound like you're in the right relationship. A long-term relationship, and dare I say a marriage, is between 2 equal partners. You clearly don't feel like your DF is your equal in the relationship, which for me would be flashing the big red 'doomed' light! I understand where you're coming from as I've been in a very similar situation - but then he wasn't the right one for me, either! My DH is the only person I've ever felt comfortable sharing everything with, and it's quite a liberating experience having that amount of trust in someone.

So, in short, YANBU to not want to give up your financial independence, but YABU in persuing a relationship that's stopping both of you from finding the right person to be with.

Gigondas Sat 24-Sep-11 19:25:19

Besmur and condlu are right- if you are married generally the home is marital property . You can do what bellechoc suggests but you both need proper legal advice on aany agreement for it to be binding as this is a complex area.

Fwiw I can see why you feel this way as my mother had similar issues which scarred me. However I do think it's possible to have a relationship where you can share without compromising your security. It's hard to tell here if you are just being cautious (which is fair enough) or there are deeper issues with your df - the bit about df just contributing to kids sounds a bit cold.

cat64 Sat 24-Sep-11 19:26:23

Message withdrawn

TheDetective Sat 24-Sep-11 19:27:49

My DF is every bit equal to me - I think the problem is that I already have a child. This is what spurs me in to my way of thinking. I might feel completely different years down the line, or if we have children together.

Flisspaps Sat 24-Sep-11 19:35:16

To be honest, if I were your DF I'd be shock, and would probably think that sadly, the relationship wasn't going to be worth pursuing in the long term.

If you were posting that your DF wasn't willing to 'tangle his finances' with you, you'd be told that was a great big red flag that he probably wasn't serious about your relationship and to think carefully before continuing to be with him.

troisgarcons Sat 24-Sep-11 19:37:36

lets be brutally honest here ~ neither MN nor your self will like it ~ you arent in the business of having a relationhip ~ you are in the business of seeking sperm donors.

Married or not he can whip out your property if your relationship fails and he is living there. He's your childs father figure.

You havent been bright enough to look at will trusts to protect your child inheritance. mind you, as you are in negative equity ~ and who can say whether in this economic climate whether you can sustain the mortgage ~ may be its your partners best interest not to be on any deeds.

Frankly - reading your posts, you are a belittling control freak - doesnt matter what he earns in comparison to you , you should have pooled resources for household expenses ~ and treat each othe as equal.

Lady, you are a disgrace.

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