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AIBU to think DP is better off without his family?

(54 Posts)
FamilyHeadache Sat 24-Sep-11 17:43:42

There is a very long back story so i will try to be brief.

Me and DP have had a very strained relationship with his mother since DD was born 19 months ago, part of it has resulted in her not seeing us or DD for just over a year due to her lack of tact and jabs at me & DP, she wants everything her way or no way it all came to a head with her last year and DP told her to stay away from us, she made contact a few times and we also tried to make things better with her so DD could see her Grandma it all failed miserably.

me and DP have had an awful couple of years and in January i had a nervous breakdown as a result of ongoing PND and various other issues, i reached out to MIL and asked her if she could please put all ill feeling aside and be there to support her son, i did this the week before i sectioned myself as i was not coping and felt we needed someone else to help us.

she responded to this request by telling everyone and anyone who would listen that i am an evil person and that she would go through the courts to get our DD to live with her as 'me and DP are not fit parents' (her words). DP had family members who is gets along with quizing him on what was going on and telling him other tales she had told them. This was the final straw as far as me and her were concerned and i will never forgive her for it.

Anyway, around 3 months ago MIL got in touch with DP and asked to come see DD so we said okay lets see what happens, she started coming over once a week and all was going well, then about 2 months ago me and DP hit a rough patch and DP told me he doesn't feel in love with me anymore so we split up and he moved in with a family member whilst we sorted out problems out (going to relate) I stayed in our home with DD, one day out of the blue MIL turned up on the door step when i was home alone, it was odd because she had spoken to DP and he asked her not to come round due to our problems and that i am alone and cant stand her she barged past me at the front door and went into the lounge, she then talked at me for 20 minutes.... telling me how she knew DP would get rid of me eventually and if i did not co-operate with DP seeing DD she would have me 'put away for good' (not sure what this meant, sectioned maybe?) I told her to leave and subsequentley told DP what had gone on. He hit the roof and cut all ties with her and told her to never speak to him again.

Were now back together and happy again, were doing well with relate and both making the changes we need to do in order for our relationship to work properly.

This is what has made me decide DP is better off without his family...

DP's sister is due to get married next year, we had heard about it through other family. DP has always got on with his sister and we have always told her to come over and see DD whenever she likes however since everything has gone on with MIL she has never been or called and never texts us back if we invite her over, she has obviously taken her mums side.

At the weekend we were at DP's aunts (MIL sister) for dinner, she asked us if we have had an invite for the wedding.. nope no invite maybe lost in the post we thought? However upon further investigation, calls to cousins, distant aunts, uncles, other brothers they all have invites but we do not.
DP's cousin took it upon himself to ask DP's sister if she has invited us she replied 'i am not inviting them otherwise mum wont come'

Who the hell doesn't invite their own brother and neice to their wedding?

AIBU to tell DP he doesn't need them and they are just poison?

Sorry its so long didn't want to drip feed! Please ignore any spelling mistakes!

iliketherain Sat 24-Sep-11 17:57:11

First of all good to hear your life is on track.

but

AS YOU DON'T HEAR FROM HER OR SPEAK TO HER WHY WOULD SHE INVITE YOU?

iliketherain Sat 24-Sep-11 17:57:24

Sorry for caps.

CailinDana Sat 24-Sep-11 17:58:50

YANBU.

Annpan88 Sat 24-Sep-11 18:02:22

I think you've tried. Don't make a scene, maybe leave a door open but don't go out of your way. Might be difficult as he's always going to have a connection with his family no matter hoe toxic they are.

Good luck

Miggsie Sat 24-Sep-11 18:05:30

YANBU, she sounds horrible.

Read some of Susan Forward's stuff on toxic parents. here Alice Miller's work on adults who had abusive parents may be useful for your DH.

You MIL will only want you in her life to criticise you. My granny was like this, utter bitch, it was horrible having a granny like that, it's no fun. You will not be doing your children a favour by having a person like that around them.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 24-Sep-11 19:05:17

It would be perfectly reasonable to cut your MIL out of your lives. She is poisonous.

Although the sister's wedding is hurtful, don't cut her out. Is she younger than DP? Still living with her mother? She could be under an enormous amount of pressure from your MIL. Possibly getting married will remove her from your MIL's baleful influence.

NinkyNonker Sat 24-Sep-11 19:08:20

Yanbu, you sound like you are doing well under a lot of pressure. And I agree with Miggsie about the sister.

cjbartlett Sat 24-Sep-11 19:32:14

I feel for the sister
She's caught in the midle
She doesn't want aggro at her wedding and she wants her mum to be there

BagofHolly Sat 24-Sep-11 19:40:00

Honestly? You sound spectacularly high maintenance and very difficult, possibly through no fault of your own. Your MIL cares about her son, who has been periodically miserable with you, and her Grandchild, who has been periodically denied access to her Grandmother. So from MILs point of view you're hardly easy to deal with.

What do you want or expect her to do? If your partner stops seeing her and restricts your child from seeing her, you'll get the blame for being even more difficult than you've already been. I think you need to make it up with her, and stay made up, for the sake of all concerned but especially your child.

BagofHolly Sat 24-Sep-11 19:43:09

And this:

"This is what has made me decide DP is better off without his family..."

Why (the hell) is that your decision to make?

IntergalacticHussy Sat 24-Sep-11 19:50:56

Bag of Holly, are you my MIL?

Yes what an awfully high maintenance thing to do, getting PND and having relationship problems! Tsk tsk...

Seriously OP, i've been almost exactly where you are and it's bloody awful. In my case it's 3 years on and mIL hasn't budged an inch. I think we both need to read Toxic Parents...

DoMeDon Sat 24-Sep-11 20:00:11

YAB abit U- don't tell DH to get rid. It is his decision to make. You only get one set of parents - accepting them as they are (faults and all) is often better. Some people are TOO hard work to bother with but she doesn't sound like one of them to me.

You have been ill, probably VERY sensitive. Maybe some of her jibes at you have been made more of? Imagine when you are the MIL - how will you feel if your DC cut you out.

Also when you ask who wouldn;t invite their own brother? Well someone who has been made to choose. She wants her DM there. Is that sooo hard to understand? Equally if DSis has taken DM's side, maybe she thinks she is right? Try not to take all this so personally. You all have your motivations and baggage.

Bootcamp Sat 24-Sep-11 20:02:06

Holly what are you talking about?

Op you mil sounds a pita. Let your dh decide wether he and your dd has anything to do with her, you can decide for yourself (you sound better off without her)

As for sil you can't blame her for not inviting you over her own mother.

FamilyHeadache Sat 24-Sep-11 20:19:44

bagofholy I would like to know how you came to the assumption that i am high maintenance?! did you actually read the post?!!

I have NOT been difficult with this woman! i have had to sit and listen to her jibe at me, sit and listed to her telling my DP he ruined her life!!

I took her 16 year old son into our home when his mother kicked him out for eating a bag of crisps?!

She has spread mallicious vile rumours about me, told me she would have me put away for good!?

AND for the record... DP has not been periodically miserable with me! We have coped with PND, a nervous break down, redundancies, no money, being homeless with a baby and moving house 5 YES 5 times in the last 2 years, show me someone who would not show cracks under that strain and i will show you a golden fucking donkey.

Sometimes i wonder why i bother with getting advice on here when people like you come along and spout such bollocks!

FamilyHeadache Sat 24-Sep-11 20:22:40

I agree that DP's sister is caught in the middle of it all, i think DP is quite hurt that she has invited every single person in the family except us, she has even invited a cousin that she has never met or even spoke to.

I have told DP how i feel about it all, however have also told him whatever he feels is right and the best thing i will go with whatever he feels as it is his family not mine.

I hate seeing him so hurt and shot down by his mother.

BagofHolly Sat 24-Sep-11 20:26:52

That's a lot of extra info that isn't in your OP. and you didn't ask for advice, you asked are you being unreasonable. To attempt to make the decision on your partner's behalf that he should stop seeing his own mother? Yes. Utterly.

diddl Sat 24-Sep-11 20:30:20

When you say better off without family-do you just mean MIL?

It´s possible that his sister has been told to choose your husband or her mother for her wedding.

Although it´s hard, if she gets on OK with her mum, why wouldn´t she choose her & not you two?

KeepInMind Sat 24-Sep-11 20:31:08

It is not your decision to make weather your partner has a relationship with his family or not.

Look at it for his mothers point of view, you blocked her from her grandchild until you needed someone to be there where you were sanctioned, you and her son have an on off relationship and now you have told her son to have nothing to do with her, as she sees it you are the problem,

On the other hand she sounds like a right bitch herself.

I think it is a shame your SIL has had to choose who to have at her wedding but she has clearly decided she wants her mother and not you and her brother there.
Just let it go, work on raising your child and on your relationship with your DP and let the rest get on with it

FamilyHeadache Sat 24-Sep-11 20:40:29

bag My OP was long enough and i felt i was blabing to much. i am not trying to make the decision on his behalf, it is my opinion. I have not told him he cannot see her.

diddl Ye i just mean MIL, however some of my own family have fallen out and i have never taken sides because it is not my fight. i feel his sister has taken sides because MIL says so.

keep I didn't block her, DP did, any decision that has been made re MIL has been made by him and i have supported that.

When they fell out previously it was me saying she should see DD as she is her grandmother but ever since she has done these things towards me i have changed my mind about her totally.

WomansWeekly Sat 24-Sep-11 20:42:20

not being funny but do you think maybe your perception may be slightly skewed with your breakdown and stuff

LilQueenie Sat 24-Sep-11 20:48:34

not being funny but do you think maybe your perception may be slightly skewed with your breakdown and stuff

are you serious?

DoMeDon Sat 24-Sep-11 20:50:37

That is a valid question lil. My PND made me think everyone was being funny toward me. I was highly sensitive.

FamilyHeadache Sat 24-Sep-11 21:19:15

womans are you fucking serious? i seriously hope your not.

My breakdown and stuff? WOW do you show such compasion away from the internet?

domedon I don't think everyone is being funny towards me atall. i am not a paranoid person by a mile. This is about 1 person - My MIL. anyone who has seen the way she is with me and DP agree that she has a problem.

When she said my DP had ruined her life, does this make him highly sensitive to?

biscuitmad Sat 24-Sep-11 22:05:46

Firstly your mil sounds like she has got a screw loose.

If it was your wedding day you would want your mum their no matter what. You wouldnt want any arguing, you would want your wedding day to be perfect. If you are both invite firstly their would be a row of some sorts, and more importantly the wedding day will be ruined.

If I was you I would just stay away from it all, its his family and he needs to man up and deal with them. What he needs from you right now is a shoulder to cry on.

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