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to think its a bit passive agressive...

(19 Posts)
RedHotPokers Sat 24-Sep-11 14:07:16

for other parents to mention slightly mean but minor things your child has said to their child (or at least things THEIR child has said your child has said), but mention it in a kind of 'oh wasn't it funny haha' sort of way. Blatantly designed to make you feel awful, but to make them look like they're not complaining.

Example: 'Oh apparently your DD told my DD that her skirt looked funny, oh what are they like!' Cue me apologising profusely on behalf of DD, questioning DD about it, and feeling a bit bad.

Or 'Oh, I had to laugh, cos apparently your DD told my DD that she didn't want to be her friend, kids eh!'

Now I DO of course tell DD (5) to be polite and not mean to friends, but the group of friends she has are quite fickle and do fall out quite a bit. DD is quite often mildly upset by general classroom politics, and slightly mean little comments. I don't bother mentioning them to other parents as DD is not being bullied, and generally has a good relationship with her friends, and they are a good lot. Obviously if I am in earshot of any silly comments I intervene, but generally they are all good girls.

Why do some parents have to make such a big deal about every little falling out or silly comment?

Feminine Sat 24-Sep-11 14:13:12

Totally agree.

It is very annoying YANBU.

IHeartKingThistle Sat 24-Sep-11 14:14:07

Oh I have a friend who does this ALL the time! It used to worry me, now it's water off a duck's back.

Obviously if DD was being genuinely horrible that's different grin

worraliberty Sat 24-Sep-11 14:14:13

You see it as passive aggressive but I see it as tact.

Sometimes when a child has made another child upset with a comment or not wanting to be their friend, the parent has to make a decision whether to mention it to the parent and 'make a big deal of it'...whether to not mention it at all, or whether to 'mention it in passing' with a smile.

It's difficult to strike a balance but I'd be quite pleased to get the heads up in a friendly manner IYSWIM.

MuthaInsuperior Sat 24-Sep-11 14:14:35

I had one friend who used to tell me with great pride that her dd had said awful things to my DS. Eg:

"Oh Amy apparently said your DS had nice eyes and my DD shouted "uh no he doesn't! hehe isn't that funny!?" err no.

"Oh DD told me the other day that she wishes your DS would stop trying to talk to her in front of her friends as its embarrassing! arnt they funny!?" no - she's being a bitch actually but do feel free to continue encouraging it because it will no doubt bite her in the arse when she's older.

OP - yes your examples are passive aggressive.

aldiwhore Sat 24-Sep-11 14:17:16

YABU... and a little paranoid.

Although I accept it depends on the person saying it and their intent, which is hard to gauge. Maybe they think you should actually know, but make it lighthearted so that you don't go off the wall and worry your child's being worse than they actually are?

I never apologise for my children's behaviour, if it warrants it, I make them apologise... I just deal with it.

RedHotPokers Sat 24-Sep-11 14:19:52

But if my DD comes home from school and mentions that during the course of the day one of her friends said she wasn't allowed to play their game, I would just tell DD not to worry about it, that her friend was just being a bit silly and to ignore her if she's a bit mean.

I certainly wouldn't seek out the parent of the other girl and mention it in a PA way.

Fair enough if we're talking about bullying, but general silliness, c'mon!

milkmilklemonade Sat 24-Sep-11 14:20:18

never mind passive aggressive, just pathetic that mums live through their kids' social lives. Nothing more boring than having to be the parent of a 5 year old who has to enter into the conversations of a five year old with another adult.

Feminine Sat 24-Sep-11 14:22:14

Sometimes I can accept it in a friendly manner sometimes

But ... the problem for me ,is that the other parent is normally drawing attention to something very minor, an issue that I would have probably let slide IYSWIM?

plus it normally happens when their child has been dishing out some challenging remarks themselves!

RedHotPokers Sat 24-Sep-11 14:26:35

Exactly Feminine!

worraliberty Sat 24-Sep-11 14:32:30

But if my DD comes home from school and mentions that during the course of the day one of her friends said she wasn't allowed to play their game, I would just tell DD not to worry about it, that her friend was just being a bit silly and to ignore her if she's a bit mean.

Same here but not all kids are the same and you don't know how upset the child was who was excluded friend wise....or the child who had it pointed out that she had a funny looking skirt.

Personally, I'm in the suck it up...worse things happen camp, but imo that doesn't make the parents you're talking about necessarily 'passive aggressive'

Some people just don't like to be direct with another parent when they're worried about the treatment of their child by the other child.

GracieFavour Sat 24-Sep-11 14:34:04

frankly anyone who uses the phrase passive aggressive is a bit of a wannabe psychobabblist nutter in my book smile

worraliberty Sat 24-Sep-11 14:38:02

Yeah, whatever happened to the word 'sly'? grin

Angel786 Sat 24-Sep-11 15:34:20

YANBU although I think with mutha's scenario maybe it's the parent's way of showing they know their cud is a brat and they don't agree without making too big avdeal of it and going with a full on apology?

OpenMouthInsertFoot Sat 24-Sep-11 15:54:15

What about saying "Really? Well, thank you for reporting it to me, I shall certainly have a chat with her about it all."

Leave them in no doubt that you see through the smiles and fake laugh to the real intention.

Personally I would rather someone came up to me and said something jokey to let me know my offspring was being a bit of a turd, than that they either

a) simmered in silence
b) got down on their hands and knees in front of said turd-child and angrily told them that it was very rude to blank dear little PFB the other day, and that such rudeness won't be tolerated again yadda yadda (the psycho Italian mother at school did this to my 5 year old the other day, after simmering about it for a week before having a go at me because of it then telling of my kid... all my son did was run out of school in a hurry and when his friend started to ask him if he wanted to come and play, he shouted over his shoulder 'I'm not asking to come to your house today!' rather than a more socially acceptable 'we're going swimming tonight, sorry')...

KittyFane Sat 24-Sep-11 22:24:25

My DD's school friends seem to report every little detail to their DP who have used this tactic to embarrass enlighten me.
My DD is the type who lets things go and doesn't naturally make a fuss and I have found myself apologising on my DD's behalf for the stupid insignificant things her oversensitive friends have complained about.
Having watched DD's friends be equally irritating towards DD without her coming to me to whinge, I have now stopped saying how sorry I am..
When these DP say things now, I reply... 'Yes, they're all as bad as each other arn't they'.

KittyFane Sat 24-Sep-11 22:26:57

Thankfully, this doesn't happen often.

cory Sat 24-Sep-11 22:36:27

Hard to know how to deal with it when there is a genuine ongoing bullying situation, though (not saying there is here, OP).

Ds completely lost faith in himself around age 4 because his friend was constantly pointing out (and quite truthfully) that "you can't do the things I can do" and "you are not very clever". It was constant and it really changed the way he thought about himself.

The boy's mother would not believe anything like this of her pfb (this was the mother who went in steaming to school to complain that the other children weren't playing with her son only to have the teacher explain that this was because he kept knocking the smaller children down...)

So how would one deal with this? Go in steaming and confront the parent? Angrily confront the child? Or try a light approach, at the risk of coming across as passive agressive? Hard to tell, I was thankful that some of the behaviour had happened at school so I could pass the buck and let the teacher deal with it.

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