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AIBU to just not be able to get my fucking head round this?

(76 Posts)
Pinker88 Sat 24-Sep-11 12:59:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallulah Sat 24-Sep-11 13:02:56

YANBU, he is.

Tell him he needs to be paying his money into the account.

Huffythetantrumslayer Sat 24-Sep-11 13:03:11

Yanbu.

GeorgeEliot Sat 24-Sep-11 13:03:26

YANBU. He is being totally selfish and unreasonable.

Last weekend when I had to WORK my DH took the DC shopping for new leather sofas (nothing wrong with what we've already got, just a bit old). We don't even know if he's still going to have a job after xmas.

Don't know why men do this.

diddl Sat 24-Sep-11 13:03:49

Well it makes no sense to me

Especially as you´ve paid out money on bank charges that you probably didn´t have to.

I´d also angry as I´d have been worrying myself stupid when he probably had a solution & his selfishness was stopping him helping out.

picnicbasketcase Sat 24-Sep-11 13:05:32

YANBU. If he has the ability to put money aside and not touch it, he has the ability to pay bills with it. Keeping a roof over all of your heads and bailiffs away from the door is more important than a camera and his head's in the sand if he can't see that.

diddl Sat 24-Sep-11 13:06:02

Also, if he´d already got 300GBP put away-how the bloody hell much was he thinking of speb´nding on a camera?

Sometimes you have to compromise!

Ilovedaintynuts Sat 24-Sep-11 13:06:05

YANBU. We all have dreams but real-life comes first. Demand the money.

StealthPolarBear Sat 24-Sep-11 13:06:06

He is being utterly utterly ridiculous and thoughtless. Why are you working yourself into a flap over the state of your joint finances when he is saving £300+ for a camera??

norriscoleforpm Sat 24-Sep-11 13:10:01

Absolutely you are not being unreasonable. What an idiot is really all iI can say. Had a very similar situation to this with first H, we were in a terrible mess and he had, funnily enough, a camera worth about a thousand pounds. In the end he sold it to to keep us housed and his father called me to have a go at me for being so selifish and making him give it up shock, in the end, his daddy bought it back for him!!! Never offered to help out with the bills though. Major reason ex H is ex H grin
You have to make him see what the priorities are, and they're not hobbies at the moment!

TidyDancer Sat 24-Sep-11 13:11:47

YANBU at all. Wtf he was thinking is anyone's guess. Behaviour like this is not acceptable when you are raising a family. A camera is not a priority purchase. He is behaving like a dick.

Sarah8729 Sat 24-Sep-11 13:14:34

YANBU I would be extremely pissed off.
I would text/call him and tell him that "I am taking that money to pay OUR over due bills" and then go and pay what you need to.
Was he aware that you had had bank charges due to things not being paid?
If you call the bank they may be able to reverse the charge and give it back to you .

cerealqueen Sat 24-Sep-11 13:14:40

YANBU, he is being totally and utterly selfish. Money has been so sight because he is saving for a new camera. Savings are what you do when you have money left over from paying the bills, not directing money away from essentials.
Seems like he loves himself and his own needs more right now than anything else.
Intrigued as to what kind of camera though!!

ReindeerBollocks Sat 24-Sep-11 13:16:52

YANBU

Take the money, pay the water bill and get some new knickers. If all of your money is being used on the house then he should definitely be contributing too. I'd also advise him against buying a new camera when you have bills that need to be paid.

sarahtigh Sat 24-Sep-11 13:17:17

YANBU unless he is self employed photographer!

Lifeissweet Sat 24-Sep-11 13:21:05

I also have an ex because of this kind of behaviour. He didn't have a job, I was ill, we had a 6 month old DS and were living with his mother. I had put money aside for a deposit for our own place as soon as he found a job and he spent it on a canoe.

I don't know why they do these things, but it seems to be remarkably common. Very, very depressing.

And YANBU at all.

squeakytoy Sat 24-Sep-11 13:22:23

I hate to say this, but you will be getting nasty letters from the tax man too if you are not careful.. sad

picnicbasketcase Sat 24-Sep-11 13:24:54

Actually quite cross on your behalf the more I think of it. If all the bills were paid and he somehow found enough to put away a tenner a week or something, it'd be fine but it's not okay for him to do this at the expense of your salary and you ending up having to pay bank charges. I'd be pissed off with him saving this in secret when he knows that your finances aren't very healthy at the moment. Would he have expected you to be pleased if he'd come home with a £300 camera that you had no knowledge of??

Icelollycraving Sat 24-Sep-11 13:25:47

Obv yanbu. Take the money,put it in your joint account & pay red bills with it.

kat2504 Sat 24-Sep-11 13:25:50

WT actual F??
You shouldn't need to ask. Of course he is the unreasonable one. How fucking selfish and childish. Taking money for something frivolous while you are getting bank fines and worried about answering the door. Why does he think a fucking camera is more important than household bills. Totally irresponsible. Buying a camera is not being frugal. I think he just wants you to do all the being frugal. What a wanker.

SheCutOffTheirTails Sat 24-Sep-11 13:26:27

He basically stole that money from all of the rest of you.

gaaagh Sat 24-Sep-11 13:27:23

I'd try and get to the bottom of what's going on here. Does he have a spending addiction/problem? Because clearly, when you're at the point where your wife's salary has been eaten up by bank charges, no person thinking of his family's welfare would do what your DH has just done.

1) is your perception and his perception of your finances in the same place? normally i'd suggest perhaps the OP is stressing too much and money isn't that tight (i.e. it's just a mis-match between how her DH copes with tight finances vs. her approach - neither of which is wrong - just different natural thresholds when it comes to money management). But if your salary is being eaten up by charges, that is a very dangerous place to be in. And I can't figure out if your DH doesn't realise the extent of the problem, or is aware, and just doesn't care/can't cope/burying head in sand.

2) What's he like in other areas? You say he's very generous - do either of you generally have a history of overspending beyond your means, or is this just a new development?

3) Are there any clues that his excuse isn't legit? I.e. secret gambling problem? Or is it just a random idea to make more cash i.e. if he's a salaried creative, is he going to try and get some freelance photography work, or something of that nature? What practical reason is there beyond consumerism?

Rather than get angry or do what some posters have suggested ("go out and blow it on XYZ"), you need to get to the bottom of his behaviour.

Only a full, frank, and calm chat will do this.

Any other course of action is short sighted.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 24-Sep-11 13:30:25

YANBU.

DH earns all the money as I don't work. He gives me everything I need and if there is anything left he has that. He was going to be overdrawn but I had money left so I gave it to him. We share. I take money out for the week and anything left goes in a drawer. We use it when we are short, need a treat or have to buy the kids something that I can't fund out of normal money. Works for us.

DH would never see any of us go without so that he can have a new toy. DH is the one that goes without and he would not be happy if I needed underwear, essential things and couldn't buy them.

gaaagh Sat 24-Sep-11 13:30:37

Icelollycraving, I honestly don't think that's a good route to go down.

Taking the money, sorting out the bills, etc - this might seem like a good initial reaction, but the OP needs to know why her DH has behaved in this way. Her being an adult, sorting out the result of his seflishness / bizarre behaviour / reasoning isn't going to get to the root of the problem, or prevent a similar situation in 6 months' time.

Honestly, trust me on this - I've seen several family members have financial difficulties in the last few years, the most severe being my uncle, who if he'd got to the bottom of his feckless wife's spending sooner, would have saved himself a lot of pain in the long run (rather than never getting the full story and just ploughing his energy into doing all the overtime he was capable of getting his hands on).

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Sat 24-Sep-11 13:37:19

YANBU He's being a selfish twat.

gaaagh I don't see anyone suggesting that the OP does go out and blow it, just suggesting she takes the money and spends it on bills, which is totally different.

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