AIBU or is my OH a lazy arse?(23 Posts)
We both work, me 50 hours a week, him 37 hours a week.
Despite our home needing DIY improvements and me asking him (sometimes repeatedly) to sort it out, he cannot be bothered! Now, it is his house and his mortgage, not mine, so you would think he would show a bit of TLC to his biggest purchase and investment.
The kitchen sinks leaks
The shower leaks
The toilet doesn't flush properly
The grass in the garden is up to our eyeballs
The front door and patio door have dropped and let in cold air
There are old chords hanging off the skirting
Even simple tasks, like washing up, become a nightmare. I bought new curtains and a curtain pole for the living room and it took him six months to get round to putting it up!
AIBU in not wanting to live in a shit tip or does he need to pull his finger out his arse?
it's his house, it's up to him if things get fixed or not. unless you are now paying the mortgage.
also, if it is important to you to have a pole and curtains put up then do ityourself. why should he do it if he doesn't want curtains and a pole? same goes for all the repairs, you sort it if it's so important to you. if you dont want to do that then stop living with him. how would you feel if he bought wood to make a shed and insisted that you build the shed even thoughyou hd no intention of getting a shed for your house?
He asked me to buy new curtains as the old ones were so tatty!
it's still his house, he can watsix months if he wants to to put new curtains up.
why did you move in with him? surely you had seen the state of the house bfore you made your decision?
See, I think if you're living there as well - regardless of who is paying the mortgage - then there's nothing to stop you mowing the lawn or learning how to fix the loo (or the sink, or the skirting board).
I always had this problem with my ex . We both worked full time but I did all the household stuff , meals , cleaning , ironing , shopping , childcare etc . He fancied himself as a bit of a DIY chap but this only extended to buying the bits and pieces , NOT to actually doing the jobs except on rare occasions which usually ended with him swearing a lot and throwing things . I could have done these jobs but as I did everything else I felt that it was his job to do the home maintenance . So over the years I accumulated a half finished greenhouse , a shed with a caved in roof , a front door that doesn't fit , a broken back door and a garage full of broken old crap etc etc . 2 years ago he had a bit of a mid life crisis and traded me in for a newer model and I now have a lovely gentleman friend who is brilliant at home maintenance and who has now taken care of most of my outstanding stuff , and he doesn't shout and swear while he's doing it which is a revelation . So the short answer is , find a new bloke !
How are the rest of the domestic tasks split? Who does what?
How long have you been together?
What's the difference between what you earn and why aren't you on the mortgage/helping pay it if you live there with him?
It's relevant because you're working a lot more hours than him - almost an extra part-time job's worth.
When both of you are working full-time the best way to ensure fairness IMO is that you both pay a percentage of the bills based on your salary (so a partner earning £40,000 will pay 2x as much as someone earning £20,000, while a SAHM would pay nothing because she's contributing in other ways), and that you both have the same amount of free time to do as you want.
Beyond that, how you divide up chores is up to you. HE shouldn't have to do the man jobs because he's a man, but because he has a lot more free time than you. However, the fact that only he is paying the mortgage by himself alters the balance.
try living with a tradesman - I ended up doing the jobs which he is qualified for 2 years after waiting......
purpleprudence - thanks you have made me feel so much better - H has recently left me and sounds like your ex. And you are giving me hope at the thought of meeting someone else nice (and practical)
Sorry for hi jacking the post gardenpixies32
DP and I are rather more conventional. I do most of the cooking and shopping he does the DIY. It works.
Are you being the homemaker and he just thinks you have "moved in for a while"?
Why on earth did you move into such a shit pit in the first place?
We have been living together for 4 years. When I say his mortgage, I mean on his name, however, we split all the bills 50-50.
I do the cleaning (most of it) and food shopping. He cooks one night, me the next.
When I moved in, it wasn't that shit tippy. The usual wear and tear has resulted in the current shit tipness.
Well call an odd job man and tell him he has to pay. Sorted.
Maybe he lacks confidence in the DIY arena. Its not a given that as he is male that he can do it, or do it well. Just pay somebody.
But if you've been living there for so long and pay half the bills, why not get things fixed yourself?
YANBU to be annoyed that he doesn't care about the state of things, but YABU for thinking nothing can be fixed unless he does it.
Get your name on the mortgage if you're paying half
Get your mower out yourself!
so you have been living there 4 years and you still dont feel it is up to youto sort repairs? why?
ifyousplit bills 50:50 then get someone into do all the repairs and pay out of the joint account. you will both benefit from the repairs being done.
you split everything 50:50 for 4 years, so it isn't just his house and his mortgage anymore is it? get your name onto it.
things like puttingup curtainpoles, noreasonwhyyou cat do it.
cutting grass, doing washing,dishes etc, should be shared and youneed to talkto him about why he desn'tfeel it's his responsibility to wash his own clothes or dishes.
sorry for spelling. temperamental laptop.
If had to do the DIY as well, I would then be doing everything in the house. I think that this should be his responsibility.
Thanks for the handyman tip. Not so easy for some couples unfortunately, especially when last month there was 30 quid left a week before pay day.
well if you know he isn't a DIYer you either have to do it yourself or accept that you will always live in an unfinished house. the DIY clearly isn't that important to him or he would have either fixed it or gotten someone in to do it. idoubt he has been bidng hi time for 4 years in the hope that you will do it. he is obviously happy for things to remain faulty. you are the one that isn't.
I have had a 1/2 finished stair banister for 12 years, the conservatory still needs finishing after 8yrs (just a few bits like skirting, door frame surrounds etc, but still annoying) plus all sorts of little bits a pieces need doing, I call my DH "half a job". I do most of the housework, cooking, mow the grass, etc, we both work, but share the childcare chores. It just seems that, like a lot of blokes, when it comes to DIY, unless its a hobby they enjoy, its always the last thing on their agenda on their days off!
I don't think it's necessarily fair to decide yourself that he needs to do this stuff -- you should sit down together and work out a fair balance of responsibilities. He could argue that actually you should split DIY 50-50.
If he's not willing to do his fair share overall, that's a different issue.
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