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to change mine and the DCs surname to include a name which isn't my maiden name?

(22 Posts)
throwawayforthisone Fri 23-Sep-11 15:10:19

I gleefully changed my surname when DH and I got married as my parents were abusive. DCs have DH's surname (and mine, now), except DS1 who is from a previous relationship and has his bio father's surname.

Over the years I've been thinking about women changing their name on marriage and the more I've thought about it the more I've wished that I'd done things differently. This is NOT a judgement on anyone else.

I would like to change my own name to include a 'family' surname - my grandmother's surname, she was very kind to me and I am proud of the heritage of that side of the family now I've gotten over (well, to some extent), the abusive relationship I had with my parents. DH is absolutely fine and supportive of that. My plan is that my new surname will be DH's surname then my 'new' one. So we are Mr, Ms and 2DC smith right now and I'd like to be Ms Smith Jones.

I would also like to change the DC's names to include my new surname. DH is okay with that too. He isn't sure if he'd change his own surname to encorporate mine but isn't really against the idea - he might prefer to be Jones Smith though as he is an only child/'last of the Smiths'. Or he might just stay Smith.

Is this a silly idea? Totally unreasonable? I think that as DH is fine with it it's reasonable but the couple of friends I've raised the idea to have thought it was bizarre, especially as the name I want to add isn't my 'own'.

AIBU/silly/etc?

itisnearlysummer Fri 23-Sep-11 15:19:40

Don't think you're being U, but have you spoken to your children about it?

It's quite a big deal for children because their name is part of who they are. DS refers to the him before the name change as almost a different person.

I like the idea that you'd be embracing the name of a more positive member of your family so that you haven't just 'rubbed out' your shitty parents and with it your whole family.

You can call yourself whatever you like!

HTH

MamaChocoholic Fri 23-Sep-11 15:21:47

I see nothing odd about wanting to change your surname as you describe. if you'd changed it pre-children, then it would also be normal for them to have your new name. but changing it now would mean for ID purposes they will need to show both birth cert and deed poll. whether it's right to change their name depends I think on their age, and how they feel about it if old enough to care.

what would happen to ds1's name?

throwawayforthisone Fri 23-Sep-11 15:22:44

The DCs who'd be affected (I'd need DS1's bio father's permission for any name change and that's never going to happen), are very small still - I'm mostly considering this so hard now because they'll be starting school soon. Hadn't thought of asking them actually blush - maybe should do.

HereIGo Fri 23-Sep-11 15:42:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaChocoholic Fri 23-Sep-11 15:43:37

at nearly starting school age, then I'd think they'll have an opinion.

the ongoing issue of needing to show the deed poll every time they need to show id they won't comprehend (but can be a PITA, my dp name-changed), but they will be able to say whether they want to have the same surname as you or keep the name they have. if their name already matches part of your intended name, then you will still have a connection to them even if you/they decide not to change their names.

throwawayforthisone Fri 23-Sep-11 15:46:01

I'd love to add the name to DS1's but his father won't agree, he refused to allow us to add DH's sad

carabos Fri 23-Sep-11 16:21:35

You can call yourself whatever you like and you can enrol your kids with school, docs, etc as whatever you want. However, you will at some stage have to legally change their names by deed poll, most likely when you want to get them a passport, bank account, driving licence or similar.

mumsamilitant Fri 23-Sep-11 16:29:01

Change it if you want. When my ex DP and I split we named our son both of our names and hyphenated them (still keeping my one at the end of course (smile) )

mumsamilitant Fri 23-Sep-11 16:29:26

smile bloody brackets!

SnapesMistress Fri 23-Sep-11 16:29:37

I wouldn't do it to the children just because its another thing for DS1 to be left out from. Also why on earth would xp allow his son to take the name of your new partner. Is xp in any way involved with him?

throwawayforthisone Fri 23-Sep-11 16:41:11

why on earth would xp allow his son to take the name of your new partner

Why not? When we married and DS1's siblings, me and 'daddy' (my DH, been together since DS1 was 2), we asked if he could have DH's name double-barrelled with his and he said no. I didn't think it was an unreasonable request especially as DS1 wanted to do it.

DS1 is the product of a one-night stand. His bio father is involved. Not sure why that means he shouldn't want DS's relationship with DH acknowledged? Clearly that's the way he feels though.

throwawayforthisone Fri 23-Sep-11 16:41:39

*had the same name - missed that out, sorry.

wineandroses Fri 23-Sep-11 16:42:35

I wouldn't do it either - DS1 will be completely left out (given XP's desire that his son keep his surname, and that's understandable). How old is DS1? If he's older than a toddler then he will already know he has a different name to you, your DH and his siblings. To then change everyone's name to incorporate a treasured family name, but to exclude him would be very hurtful, and make him feel somehow 'outside' his own family. Why don't you just change your own name and leave the children as they are?

MorelliOrRanger Fri 23-Sep-11 16:59:30

I can see why you want to, but I wouldn't do it. Mainly because your ex had already said no to DS1 having your hubby's surname as well, then surely DS1 is then going to be even more excluded with 2 names he can't have.

throwawayforthisone Fri 23-Sep-11 17:01:07

DS1 is fine with it, he's already said he is looking forward to changing his name when he gets to 16. He wants to be Brown Smith though (his bio father's name then DH's), doesn't want my 'new' name.

MorelliOrRanger Fri 23-Sep-11 17:04:45

So what's the problem then? I'm a bit confused

MorelliOrRanger Fri 23-Sep-11 17:06:04

What I mean is - if your hubby is fine with it and so are you and so are your children why should it matter what anyone else thinks smile

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Fri 23-Sep-11 17:07:32

I can see why DS1's bio dad wouldn't want his name changed. Why would he? If I split up with my DP and he got married I wouldn't be happy with him giving our children the surname of his new wife. I don't see that it's any different.

The only way that I think that would be ok is if his dad had absolutely nothing to do with him and your DH was bringing him up as his own.

As for the actual question in the OP, I think it sounds perfectly fine if you are all happy with it, although very sad that your oldest might be left out. How old is he? Think I might not do it just for that reason.

nickelbabe Fri 23-Sep-11 17:22:43

The way the law is in the UK, you can change your name to anything you want.

You don't even need deedpoll- you just need to habitually use it.

I have a double barrelled name - it is my maiden name and DH's mum's maiden name (he has the same). He didn't want to keep his dad's name due to family stuff and has no contact with him, has not in fact since a teenager. I liked my name and liked the idea of it continuing. DH was happy with this and we love the fact that it is 'our name' - we are the only ones in the UK with this particular pairing. We don't have any children as yet but when we do they will have the same.

Ephiny Fri 23-Sep-11 18:53:34

I think it sounds fine, especially as you'd be adding to your (and DCs) name rather than completely changing it to something different, it's not as though you're taking away DHs name from the children. Not silly at all to want your name to denote some connection with your original family.

As for DS1 - I understand the point about him feeling left out or treated differently, though to be fair he already has a different surname from the rest of you now, doesn't he, so that won't really change. Do you know why your exP objects so much? I can kind of understand him having a problem with you giving him your DHs name, but don't see why it should be such an issue to add a family name of yours. As you say though, he (DS1) will make his own mind up when he's old enough!

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